I created my own living hell. No need to kill myelf now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FDSLBH, Dec 22, 2011.

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    FDSLBH Member

    Well, I did it. After spending a lifetime wishing to be left alone and hated, and wanting to kill myself as a result, I've met my goal in a different way. So killing myself is no longer needed.

    I had an affair which ended with the other woman, my wife, my kids, my parents, my bothers and sister, friends, and extended family all refusing to associate with me, and hating me.

    I lost everything I owned, my job, my retirement funds, all friends and family. All I have is an old car, $80 in cash, and access to this computer in the public library. Eventually I'll run of out money and have to sell the car too.

    No need to kill myself. My new life will do it for me slowly over time. I hope it's painful for a long time too.

    I will eventually find an open area far away from people so that my body will not pollute anything as it decomposes. I've polluted this world long enough just by existing.

    Soon, I will no longer exist in any way, and I'll meet my goal completely.

    I'm so happy for everyone else.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WE all make bad choices hun but we can learn we can change we can try to undue the wrong and make peace with ourselves and move forward again one small step at a time
  3. gripster

    gripster Member

    I am in a similar position after 2 years of thinking that something would come of it, I now need to move on, my age seems to have been hampering me, I guess you are not young if you have a family albeit distanced now, stay on here its helping me I had decided that I would end it all which gave me till mid Feb, I thought I would come here just to speak to someone, there are people here who are much worse off and they manage to get by. Keep posting, keep your chin up.

    FDSLBH Member

    This will be my last post. It's time to let my new life take over.

    I'm not young at all. And I'm not seeking any help here like I was before. I've accepted my fate which actually was an underlying goal of mine since age 6. I was not meant to be. I knew that from an early age. Many others knew it too and told me quite often for many decades. I spent my life trying to make other feel good at my expense. I finally stopped when I hurt everyone. No more giving while it hurts. The pain is final. I'm glad to be where I'm at. As for my soul, it will disappear. It has no place to go after I die some day. I will not find peace in passing. I will just cease to exist without a sound. A mistake that finally gets erased.
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Man, you sound a lot like me. I know where you're coming from. I bet we're close in age. I've had it rough and I feel the same way, I'm a mistake that just is taking up space. I too believe after you die, you just cease to exist.

    I hope you know time in your case is your friend. You have kids? Is there a chance they will miss you, if not now, later? I don't really know how to talk you out of your hellish feelings, it's possible no one can or knows the right thing to say, but is it possible in a few years everytyhing can be better? Will your kids come around and can you have another chance at life if you just let some time go by? I hope this is a possible option - like I say, I don't know your situation and I wouldn't presume to simply tell you "no, you're great, life is great, give it a chance." I only think that your kids might miss you, and in ten years you may look back at this time and think "man, I'm so glad I didn't do anything stupid."

    Sometimes I think of really stupid things, even I, someone who considers himself a very moral and ethical person, surprise myself. I think it out. I think of consequences. Then I think how I'd be thinking I wish I could just go back in time and not do it all, which brings me back to exactly where I am - and I don't go forward with whatever stupid thing I was thinking about doing. I don't know if you understand but I hope you'll give yourself some time and think more about the future. Feel free to email if you wnat to talk.
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