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I cry every single night

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Jan 3, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    Every single night I cry, cause I feel so alone right now. All I want is for someone to talk too. I miss that feeling you get when your'e around someone you like, I'm afraid that won't happen ever again. All I feel is sadness. Not many people talk to me anymore cause of how depressed I am but they have no idea what's going on in my life. Ever since I got the phone call from a nurse from my Gyno my life has completely fell apart. I've been told that they found abnormal cells and that I was HPV positive. And they need me to come in so they can do further testing on me. I looked it up and it said smoking can lead into getting cervical cancer and I've been smoking for awhile now but I quit earlier this year. I smoked menthol cigarette's and now I feel as if I'm doomed, I feel as if I'm going to die. I'm 32 years old and I'm not ready to die yet. I constantly get suicide thoughts but I don't act on them. People are worried about me, cause I'm acting differently and distant. Than I put on a happy face and started smiling around my family so they wouldn't worry but deep down I'm completely gone. I've been sexually molested by my father, in a domestic violence relationship for 3 years and raped and than I dated a sociopath not to long ago who also abused me. Lately I've been distracting myself with music, movies, reading books and enjoy my life as normal. However I wake up from my sleep wanting to talk to someone cause I've became an insomniac now and I start crying. I don't have a boyfriend, but I wish I could just talk to a guy.....he doesn't have to be my boyfriend or anything like that but I just want to be cared about. I do care about myself and that should be enough but I just long to talk to a guy, especially if I'm going to die. A lot of people are telling me that I'm not going to die and that I don't know what's going on for sure yet and I shouldn't jump to conclusions that I'll die so suddenly but how do people know? Nobody knows for sure about my results if I have cervical cancer or not and either do I but I'm just so lost and miserable. I'm so tired of crying, I just want this to stop. I long to go back to my happy self again cause I wasn't like this before. Have no idea what I'm suffering from or if I'll be okay but right now I'm scared. If I do end up having cancer....I'm going to be in so much pain. I'm so scared right now......
  2. James Wood

    James Wood Member

    This must have been very hard for you to type. Because it was very hard to read. Im so sorry for the things that have happened to you. I wish there was something I could say to help you. I wish I could fix you. But i wont type an empty promise that everything will be alright. Because we both know that I have no way of knowing that.

    So instead i will tell the truth.

    Know that tonight and probably many nights following, when you go to sleep, spare a moment to think that there is one person, probably across oceans and over mountains, perhaps on the other side of the globe. But there is one person whom you have never met, and will probably never meet, who is lying in bed or looking up at the stars who cares about how you feel. And wishes he could make you feel better.

    I wish I could be there for you, because it doesn't matter who you are, nobody deserves what has happened to you.

    I can see the stars out my window right now, some of them are the same ones you see.

    The next time your crying yourself to sleep, look up at the stars and know that I am out there looking at the same stars thinking and caring about you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2016
  3. Special-Agent-Gibbs

    Special-Agent-Gibbs SF Supporter

    I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. Know that you are not alone! If you ever need to talk you are always welcome to message me.

    Stay Strong!
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Lost, I am so sorry for the tragedy in your Life, I am sorry for the abuse that you have suffered through and endured, I am sorry for the other hardships that you have gone through. I don't know if you are going to die or not and I can understand that you are tired, you are alone and feel that loneliness, I suffered that for a long time, I too thought I could or would never have anyone that cared for me again, but I did, I had given up I was going to end it, I could not endure another day,I was so sure that my life was over. The next day I met someone someone that made me smile, that made me want to live again and I did, I had 3 wonderful beautiful Happy Loving years, I thought I was happy I thought that It was going to be for the rest of my life, But it only lasted 3 happy wonderful years and then She was taken away, I have Lived, I lived like I could never have believed for that time and it made me happy, I have known what True Wonderful Love is, I almost missed that time, I am glad that I did not! I know what true joy is, I know what it is to wake every morning to sunshine warmth and peace and feel so fortunate to have lived and Loved for that time. I have known what it is to truly live, You don't know what is waiting for you around that next corner or that next day, I do not have to wonder, I have found it i have had it I have lived it. No matter what happens now to me, will I complain, I do want to let you know that there are no promises in this life There is hope there is always hope, I am sorry for what you have suffered but please do not give up! I cannot Promise you anything but there is always Hope, we have talked before, I hope we will talk again. please Hold on, Please keep talking in here please keep posting you never know many things but know that there is hope! We are here for You! We will help you when you are down like now, we will help you up!
    In here you do not have to be alone, you can share with us, We are here for each other!
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear the sad news you posted. You have been through a tough life and no doubt you are hurting a lot. Please do not think you are alone as you can see from the posts posted that we really care about you. Life is very important but you have to be strong.

    Don't be scared now, we will get you through this tough period of your life. We understand that you are down but please let us help you get through life on a day to day basis. I must say (no lies) that I would miss YOU if you did do something as life itself is very precious. We only get to realise that when we hit rock bottom in our lives. I might be a complete stranger to YOU but just think that someone, somewhere on this planet is walking does care about your feelings and what you are going through.

    Surely, it shows YOU, that we care enough about YOU. So I plead with YOU from the bottom of my heart, keep posting here and let us share the pain you currently feeling. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND NEVER DOUBT THAT.
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