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  1. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    Now I don’t know what to do. My husband cries and cries. I sob and sob. Together we weep. He will help to keep me out of hospital, but knows that he may lose me even so. He is stuck with nowhere to turn. He worries he will lose me if he helps to put me in hospital. So there is no option. No good options for him. No good options for me. There are no good options. There is no cure. There is not enough love to cure the pain. I weep, he weeps, we weep. We cry together because I’m dying. I am honest. I want to die. So close, so close, but always holding back. I nearly said the xxx is in my bag. I could die tonight, so all this discussion on tomorrow is irrelevant. I could make it simple. But nothing is simple. I do not want to hurt him. I do not wish him any pain. I love him. Always love him. But I am so broken. I am destroyed. The xxx is ready. I don’t need much time. Even dying is not easy. But I know there is no other way to rest. I cry. I cry. He cries and his tears burn the heart of me. Why can he not let me go? Why does he hold on so hard? I am not worth it. I am not worth this effort. I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Please be happy without me, for there can be no happiness with me. I cry. I cry. I cry. I am worn out. Exhausted from crying. Exhausted from the pain. Exhausted because I can’t do it anymore. It is encroaching on my work. I had to leave a patient waiting for half an hour today because I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. So I feel I need to come clean. Leave. Give up. Without that I am nothing. So I die. I cry. So sorry. No good options. There are no good options. There is no pill that will return me to myself. I am lost, out in the darkness trying to feel my way but I keep being sucked under and can not breathe. Shoot me. Kill me. Why won’t someone take away my choices for me? I do not want him to think I left voluntarily, I have asked, I have begged for help. But I have to do something to stop the tears. I have been dead so long and nobody has been able to resuscitate me, so it’s time to call it. Hear that doctor, call it. Time of death. Let me go. I cry. I cry for you. I cry for me. I cry because I live. I cry because I die. I cry.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU need to go to hospital and stop the pain okay you need to let your husband take you there and get some stabiltiy back in your lives Healing will happen okay in hospital medication is needed to decrease the depression the thoughts of wanting to leave
    Do that for YOU okay go to hospital and get healing hun please don't wait go get help hugs
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    agree with TE..
    please get help asap
    you deserve to feel better and before you end your life try all other options..
  4. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    Thanks for the replies. Saw my psychiatrist this morning, told her things have been worse again. Meds have been upped and if there's still no change in two weeks, then they will be changed totally. Lithium is the next contender, which I'm not too keen on.

    My husband dropped me at work, but I didn't go in and rather went home. I was going to try and kill myself, but in the end couldn't go through with it. The conversation we had last night kept playing in my head. I haven't told him what happened, because it is scary for him to know how close I come. Due to chosen method and how far I went, it is possible I may not have been able to hit the abort button. (It's hard to find a way to say what I want to say without discussing methods).

    I want to be able to live for him, but I have reached such a non-functional place and I worry that by the time the meds kick in and start working I will have destroyed my life.
  5. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Its okay for others to take care of you. I might be mistaken, but you sound very much like a natural caregiver and when you feel you have no more to give, you have no worth left and no purpose to be. But that is not true. And I think your rational mind can acknowledge it but feelings don't always listen to reason. Now is your turn to get help and give yourself time to get back to a place where you feel rested and "full" again. Yourself would never give up on somebody you love, now is time to do yourself the same gift. The storm will pass, just grab any and every lifeline in sight and hold on until it does so. Hope this help and wish you well.
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