Now I don’t know what to do. My husband cries and cries. I sob and sob. Together we weep. He will help to keep me out of hospital, but knows that he may lose me even so. He is stuck with nowhere to turn. He worries he will lose me if he helps to put me in hospital. So there is no option. No good options for him. No good options for me. There are no good options. There is no cure. There is not enough love to cure the pain. I weep, he weeps, we weep. We cry together because I’m dying. I am honest. I want to die. So close, so close, but always holding back. I nearly said the xxx is in my bag. I could die tonight, so all this discussion on tomorrow is irrelevant. I could make it simple. But nothing is simple. I do not want to hurt him. I do not wish him any pain. I love him. Always love him. But I am so broken. I am destroyed. The xxx is ready. I don’t need much time. Even dying is not easy. But I know there is no other way to rest. I cry. I cry. He cries and his tears burn the heart of me. Why can he not let me go? Why does he hold on so hard? I am not worth it. I am not worth this effort. I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Please be happy without me, for there can be no happiness with me. I cry. I cry. I cry. I am worn out. Exhausted from crying. Exhausted from the pain. Exhausted because I can’t do it anymore. It is encroaching on my work. I had to leave a patient waiting for half an hour today because I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. So I feel I need to come clean. Leave. Give up. Without that I am nothing. So I die. I cry. So sorry. No good options. There are no good options. There is no pill that will return me to myself. I am lost, out in the darkness trying to feel my way but I keep being sucked under and can not breathe. Shoot me. Kill me. Why won’t someone take away my choices for me? I do not want him to think I left voluntarily, I have asked, I have begged for help. But I have to do something to stop the tears. I have been dead so long and nobody has been able to resuscitate me, so it’s time to call it. Hear that doctor, call it. Time of death. Let me go. I cry. I cry for you. I cry for me. I cry because I live. I cry because I die. I cry.
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