I curse myself for a coward for not doing it!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Valteron, Oct 4, 2009.

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  1. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    In a play I once saw, one of the characters says: " Most people are too cowardly to help themselves. People say 'If I ever become unemployed, I will kill myself.' They become unemployed but they don't do it. Then they say: 'If I am ever homeless, I will just kill myself.' They lose their homes but they don't do it. Then they say: 'I would rather die than be disabled.' One morning their legs are frozen as they sleep in their cardboard box and have to be amputated. But still they do not kill themselves. And so there they are: a stump of a body with just arms, moving around on a little wheeled platform, toothless, covered in sores, begging for pennies. The triumph of life over suicide."

    I am like that, NOT because I am poor (I am financially well off, really) but because I drag my aging corpse from day to day in a world of depression and anxiety which only gets worse month by month. I have the plan and the means to kill myself, but I am a big coward who does not have the courage to do it. I should have liberated myself years ago.

    Nothing interests me but death. I get no joy or pleasure out of anything.

    Lately there is a frightening development. My depression and anxiety used to get bad in the evening and nights. Every night I go to sleep pretending I have overdosed and that this is the blessed sleep from which I will never wake up. But I used to be almost normal in the morning.

    Now, I start to curse the fact that I am alive the minute I wake up.

    It is like a person who is tied to a stake and being tortured to death slowly. He is going to die anyway, but how he wishes he could end it right away. How he wishes he could just order his heart to stop. But the body is a mindless machine that keeps running as long as it can. The survival instinct, which is usually our friend and ally, suddenly becomes our worst enemy.

    All it would take is an act of courage and determination on my own part. I curse myself for a coward!
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know too well what you are saying. We just are. We arent the person we used to be or want to be. We are slaves to our minds that for some reason just wont shut off. And yes it starts as a small thought, then grows til it consumes are days and eventually even our dreams. I dont have a magic potion or profound words to offer that will help. I just wanted to let you know I understand. :arms:
     
  3. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    I agree completely with what you are saying. Life is excruciatingly painful for me... from before I get up until after I go to bed. I pray to die constantly. And yet here I am, still.
     
  4. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i personally am glad you are a coward. i don't want to see you, or anyone go. if you ever need to talk you can message me. :arms:
     
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

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