I cut myself last night for the first time

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by bluefish, Mar 7, 2008.

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  1. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    A few weeks ago I almost got raped by a coworker, this was about two weeks after my exfiance and I broke up. He found out, and gave me a knife to protect myself.

    Last night I took some sleeping pills to sleep (only two!) and I grabbed his knife and dug it into my left arm. Then I did it again. And again. And again.

    I have never done this before but it felt good. Now, I am here at work and I really want to go to the bathroom to cut myself some more. How fucking ironic - I'm using the knife he gave me to protect myself. If only he knew.....

    How do you guys stop from cutting yourselves? What do you tell yourselves?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i find it really really hard to stop once i've started... but it no longer feels good when i cut so i had to ask myself why i kept doing. well, actually, it was the psychiatrist who asked me... and i realized that once the endorphins wore off, cutting left me alone with one more reason to hate myself. so i've stopped again.

    use all distractions that you would when you feel suicidal... connect with people, like hanging out in chat, calling a friend, or try things that give an intense sensation, like squeezing ice or holding your hand under hot water.

    best, for the long term, is self-calming techniques, like deep breathing and such. realize that the intense desire to cut iwll pass... each time you don't give in you will be stronger next time teh urge strikes

  3. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    the only thing that has helped me when im feeling suicidal is to come to the chat here - i dont get judged.

    i cut because id rather feel physical pain than the pain in my gut when i think about what my father did to me, what my mother did to me - and now the pain i feel for my ex fiance leaving me here alone when i needed him the most. i think about these things and the pain from cutting distracts - i can feel something other than the fucking hole in my chest.

    im not sure whether i should tell my therapist i started doing this.
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    It may be a good idea to tell her because a therapist is non-judgemental and can probably provide great advice to help you stop cutting. Or at least limit the amount you do it.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    yea, i'd suggest telling yr therapist.

    for me, cutting was an outward sign of inner turmoil, i liked the feeling, i liked being the one to punish myself, rather than waiting for someone else to punish me... all of which are deep rooted thoughts that i need a therapist to untangle for me

  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    remember that you can come here at any time, and everytime you feelthe urge you can always count with us^^
    i hope you feel better
  7. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    UPDATE Re: I cut myself last night for the first time

    So last Friday I did indeed cut myself. I hit a low. My ex-fiance was being a total asshole and pretty much told me straight out that a person that cuts herself is not normal and that I was batshit crazy.

    Then - I heard a woman in the background. He said he was with a friend. And he never answered my calls again that night.

    My cousin was with me - I went into the bathroom and I blacked out - the next thing I remember was holding a towel to my arm and my cousin screaming at me.

    I cut too deep. I couldnt stop bleeding.

    I was taken to the hospital.

    37 staples to my arm - a total of 11 cuts.

    Family came in from out of town. People called. And the one person I really wanted to help me, the one person I needed and wanted - he was not there. He did not show. He did not give a shit.

    Its been a week to the day. I took a week off from work and I've been spending time with family. My meds arent working so I have a visit with a psychiatrist to evaluate my med program.

    I take my staples out tomorrow. My arm is scarred. And for some reason, I am glad this happened.

    He is out of my life. I will be stronger - I always come back stronger. I feel like I needed this to rid myself of the shit that was in my life. I guess what hurt the most is that he kept telling me I was crazy and he didnt listen when I told him that I was just hurt, angry, heartbroken and felt abandoned. He also didnt listen when I told him that it wasnt about him anymore - feelings of dad leaving and mom fucking around with a 15 year old female student added on to the grief, the despair, the blind rage as my shrink called it.

    And still, he didnt help. Others came, but not him. I have come to see who I can depend on, who cares about me and who loves me.

    It's going to be a VERY VERY VERY long road to recovery but I know I have it in me to be happy again. Everyone here has helped me in some way or another - but I will stand up, rise up and breathe in. Anyone wanna come with??:wave:
  8. thegrey

    thegrey Member

    Re: UPDATE Re: I cut myself last night for the first time

    Is your ex-fiance dumb or what? Okay no offence, but there're so many people out there cutting themselves too -.- It's not an abnormal thing.

    And at least you have people who still care and love you :) Be stronger, if not for their sake.
  9. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Re: UPDATE Re: I cut myself last night for the first time

    Im so glad you are still with us, and sorry for your pain.

    Maybe we could chat sometime? Ive been struggling with SI too and maybe we could help each other?

  10. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    yeah - my ex is pretty stupid now that I think about it. I decided to be around people that understand my illness, and not think I am crazy.

    i really and honestly do appreciate every kind word that has been sent my way because believe it or not it helps a lot. so thank you :)
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