Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Scully, Nov 5, 2009.
I hate myself. I wish I was never born. That ugly blood on my arm. I hate myself so much.
I hate my emotions. I hate to believe, I will never believe again.
That I'm loved.
That there was the slightest possibility my Dad could love me, even far away.
I felt dirty, I had to shower. Why?
:hugtackles: even if he doesn't show it or say it I'm sure there is a part of your dad that does love you. I feel the sae way about mine but I like to believe that maybe deep down he really does love me.
How you get know he does not love you?
After my mom died, he started lurking, without telling me anything, I was 11. Until I was 26 I thought I had a sort of stalker, as I saw him everywhere I have since then. At 26, all came back to my memory, what my mother told me before she died. His name, Chris Carter, brother Craig, father William Charles. All the times I had seen him. Now I tried several to join him, by phone where he works. By letters. He never answered me or took me on the phone to explain himself. Before it was traveling, surfing fucking and make children. He just played with my feelings. He prefers big expensive houses now. I can't even be sure he's my Dad. My mother was married then to the SOB who beated her. I live not really knowing. It's unbearable.
:sadyes: :sadyes: :sadyes:
Don't feel ashamed about cutting. It's the opposite of stabbing =) .
I couldn't hurt anyone. But me.
:hug: i'm so sorry =\ i know what you mean about cutting.. i myself cut..
but you can't be sure as to say your dad doesn't love you.. i mean, you are assuming..
of course i do understand your pain <3 i am here if you ever need to talk<3
so let me get this straight
he was never a part of your life properly and instead lurked around but never came close
and then after years of that and you not even knowing who he was even you realise he's "possibly" your birth father?
You obviously read my post every two lines. My mother told me. Why do I even justfy myself to you? Never seen you here before. Yeah, it's pathetic to want to know my true story. I should end the fight here and blow my head off. Bull.
x 2 ..
I'm sure he'd be happy if I died. I'm sure no one would really damn care. My partner, I thought he would, but I had bad news, I cried, something. He didn't hug, show compassion. Better off dead. I think about it. I do.
I mean my x 2 I feel the same. Not that you should.
I cut too much, I can't cope. Too many probs. My psychiatrist told me about anti-psychotics; very small dosage, not like for psychosis, she said, but it remains anti-psychotics. Exhausted and don't see the end of this all. Does other borderlines take anti-psychotics here? How does it work for you? For now I'm up on xanax. I'm on, morning: seroplex 20mg + xanax 50mg, noon: xanax 50mg, evening: xanax: 50mg + atarax 25mg. We'll see if it helps.
My biological father left me when I was born. He couldn't care less about me. Sometimes I question the one I have now..
Hi Rachel, and thank you very much. It's not so easy when you cut, because you think you hold on, and then it happens again.
I want to cut, urgent!!!!!