i deserve a death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by billybag, Nov 3, 2013.

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  1. billybag

    billybag New Member

    I didn't know which tread to post this in. I really don't want to be living anymore. to give some quick and basic info about myself and my situation:

    I suffer from bipolar disorder, major depression, anxiety, OCPD, and suicidal ideation/chronic suicidal thoughts. I have all my life and my first attempts at ending my life start at 7 years old. I've made various attempts until my adulthood when I stopped trying for a few reasons. I would still trade all my best days if it meant never being born. I've lived a very independent life. I'm very attractive. overly nice. always helping others to the point of not taking care of myself. never drank or did drugs because I know it would make things worst.

    I find myself, now, in a very low point on my life and I never ever thought this would happen to me, but it has. here it goes.

    While in the hospital for feeling like I may make a serious attempt in ending my life, I was replaced by my employer and have since been unable to find a job. I've now been homeless for 2 months. had to give up my cat and my car.I receive disability, but they withhold some money because I owe them for overpayment. the rest goes straight to my bills, leaving me with next to nothing. I do go to an outpatient program 5 days week and it helps, but it doesn't keep me warm at night. but what is really making things worse is that I have no friends to keep me company or make me laugh during the day. I'm so lonely and I think it's what is going to put me over the edge.

    There are homeless shelters but they rarely ever have room and you need to be there by a specific time. I also feel like if I did get a bed, it could have been given to someone else that probably needs it more than me.

    So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it isn't just mental or emotional problems that are going to kill me, it's my fucked up life and my loneliness that Will kill me.

    I REALLY don't want to be living. I'm not sure what's keeping me from shop lifting some <edit mod total eclipse method> I guess it's the thought of failing at suicide like I've failed at everything else. if I could get my hands on a gun or a certain >edit method> then I'd do it in a heart beat. I just don't know what to do and I'm so sick of crying everyday in public places. I'm sick of applying for jobs that I just doubt I'll get since I haven't already. I'm sick of not being able to shower, shave. clean my clothes, and feed myself when I'm hungry. I'm just sick of it all and I'm sick of being so alone. I really really want to die. I hope I get hit by a bus or become victim to a fatal mugging. I close my eyes and pretend I'm dying and it's the closest thing to happiness that I become lately. I don't want to live anymore. and now after I wrote all that, I don't even know what I am to expect in return. no one can help me. I'm unhelpable. It's like life just wants me to die. it's just pushing me and pushing me. I really can't take another week of this. I've gone to the hospital since becoming homeless and it did nothing. I just got out and continued being homeless and alone.

    and I fucking miss my damn cat so much. losing her is the worse part of all this.

    I'm too far gone and I must end my life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You deserve support kindness care compassion not death hun. If you have to you go back to hospital I do not understand how they can release you without getting you into some housing Call your government see what housing there is for people on disability that you can be set up with . I am sorry you had to give up your pet hun i know how hard that must be for you You will get yourself back on your feet again you will Make friends here ok hun lots of caring people here
  3. billybag

    billybag New Member

    Thanks. I was given a social worker when in hospital the last time. she did dick. I've contacted every single organisation that I can find. the very best I got was being put on a housing waiting list. it's a long list and the housing usually always requires rent still, which I don't have. it's basically a lengthier way of finding a room on craigslist
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2013
  4. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    You do not deserve death, no one does except evil person(my personal opinion) and evil is people who take other's lives intentionally because they like it. You deserve love, and kindness, because you need it. Plus you mentioned that you are very attractive, who wouldn't want you? I'm sure you can find happiness in the future, but hold on for now, fight hard. I know how it feels, I have been there too. I know some part of you still want to live, else you won't be here. Be honest to yourself, I feel the same way as you are in the past, I know how I feel. I'm sorry you have to experience all this pain :( But happiness is there, it's not an empty promise from me, because I know it is there.
  5. billybag

    billybag New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I've never ever had luck with girls. just bad experiences because I'm too nice.
  6. Ai To Hikari

    Ai To Hikari Active Member

    Hi billybag.

    The conditions you listed say allot to me. It sounds to me like you are desperate to find your life's purpose. The conditions you listed act as your demons ~ creating challenges and obstacles. - It keeps you away from living your life the way you want.

    It is the demons that want you dead, they strike you when you are vulnerable.

    I think a good 'first-step' to defeating these demons is to be nice to yourself. You are always helping others, but now is the time to help yourself. ~ Know your value.

    Your current situation is indeed very unfortunate ~ but always remember it can and will change if you let it. Try to find light within the darkness.

    You are in darkness right now, but there is light! The light can get though just as the sun can peak though the clouds.

    You are a powerful and creative soul. Try to spot the many unique opportunities the hard life brings.

    Every success ( even small ones ) means so much more to a poor man, because the success is achieved through creativity instead of through money and resources.

    I have a method of gradually solving issues (big and small). Pick problems that is not affecting you at the moment. Divide the problem into four smaller problems, and attack the weakest.

    Even if problems are not fully solved, it still gives hope when they are being dissected and attacked.

    I support you.

    Wishing you the best of luck.

    Ai To Hikari.
  7. billybag

    billybag New Member

    Thanks for the replies guys but I've stayed very positive for months now and its gotten me nowhere. I appreciate you guys trying to help but it's not going to work. I don't know why I posted in here.
  8. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Seem very young to make such a decision with over 2/3rds of typical life ahead of you. I do not know for certain what the weather is going to be tomorrow afternoon , much less can I honestly say I KNOW what life will be like in 1 year or 5 years .... you are guessing and do not know anything and that guess is being made by a mind clouded by depression. Not from any type of logical place....
  9. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    you sound like someone who really and truly deserves happiness. the completely crappy and cruel thing about life is that we rarely get what we deserve...the good people suffer and the bad people flourish and die in happy old age, surrounded by loved ones. I've seen it over and over and over again. wish I could understand why. also wish i could give you a really big hug (it would be my first one in 3months or so).
  10. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what to say as I am in a dark place too, but I also work with homeless people just as a befreinder hoping that I maybe able to just help them in anyway I can, it's hard on the streets but do keep fighting you seem a really nice person, I know I find if I focus on others helping them to help themselves giving them some hope that things can be different, but it's hard to then apply the same logic to my life. But hey it's true you need to be kind to yourself we never know what is round the corner, you haven't found your true potential yet but once you do it will all click into place. It's still bloody hard and when your in that dark place it can be hard to find a single glimpse of hope but there is always something you can do in any given situation but remember when you are low you are looking at your emotional side and basically that can be so flawed as there's no logic to it, accept you feel bad at the moment, and baby steps and you have the ability to get there people here are great if you want to talk, they care and there is an understanding as people have been there. I don't know if that all makes sense, or if it helps at all but you still have potential and a life that can be more than just surviving, but actually a life that you can enjoy, laugh, and still cry and be low knowing that you can and will get through it. Try and do something positive for yourself everyday something you have accomplished it can be just getting a cup of tea, smiling at a stranger it doesn't matter but when you feel so down its hard to find anything good. Take care of yourself please just try and fight it's tough right now but it can and will get better.
  11. Ai To Hikari

    Ai To Hikari Active Member


    Everyone deserves happiness. In fact that is a big part of our purpose in life ~ to find it.

    To is true the many people never get what they deserve, but I believe anyone can turn their world around ~ that is, if they don't let the negative devils get the upper hand.

    The good people are presented with many challenges to make them even better people.

    The bad people and given all that they need ~ likely because they can never improve. ( if you can understand what I mean)

    Let us rise above our demons.
    Let us rise above those with money and resources.
    With our creative expression, there is no fight we can't win.

    Ai To Hikari.
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