I deserve all the pain.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rods, Dec 8, 2009.

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  1. Rods

    Rods New Member

    Hi all.

    Im 33 Was happly married for 7 years I have sufferred from depression all my life. Out cast at school and bullied very badly. Found out at teh age of seven I was a mistake parent hated each other and cheated on each other all the time I would here the arguments and think it was my fault as if I wasn't around they would be together.

    Strated a 7 yer relationship at 18 with an older woman she cheated i cheated thinking it balanced it out. Met my wife at work and soon after had a breakdown. and was put on 60mg of citalopram. Seemed to help for a while moved from job to job wife to be threatened to leave as I was so hard to live with, I promised to get help and had couselling this helped and for a while I thought I was ok. we got married and wvery thing seemed fine we had a nice three bed house and spare cash to have fun with.

    My wife started to make comments about wanting a baby and how we needed a bigger house I was reluctant but I new it would make her happy and her parents would approve, They have never approved of me as Im a derby lad form a broken home and appreantly no there type of people.

    We bought a 4 bed detached and the mortage was 200 thousand I worried more and more about how we had streached ourselfs. My wife said it would be ok and although i am a worrier I tried to believe her. We had been saving for few years and treated ourself to the holiday of a life time in florida and Ive never felt so happy. We came back and em soone became pregnant. iwas terrified about the money and how we would cope. I supported em completley through the pregnancy cooking all the meals tiding the house and making sur she rested and had to do nothing. We both work for the same comapany and on teh day the baby was due I was taken into the office and told Em had been slwcted for redundancy. Luckly later that day they came back to me and said they had managed to transfer a overhard and em was safe.

    My son was born and he was amazing I was so pround of em and luke. Things were ok for a couple of months and then i was transfered to another part of my company. Very quickly I struggled with the new job and became very depressed and desperate, breaking down regualary. Em tried to help me understand the job but I was so desperate at this point I could do the most basic of tasks with out making a mistake. I tried talking to Em about how desperate I felt with the massive mortage and the job but rightly so she was focused on our son. I started cutting myself but still noting was mentioned and the it was ignored, it was the only way the black hole inside me would staop hurting.

    A female friend on facebook started commenting on my posts and within in two weeks I had started to have feelings for this person. We met for a drink and I convinced myself that my wife was the route of all my problems. I started an affair with said girl and told my wife I was leaving. She found out about the other woman and two days later I realised i had made a massive mistake but it wsa to late.
    I moved into a friends house for and they went on holiday as news broke to our friends I lost most of them understandably they felt hurt and angry. As the relistaion of what I had done and thrown away hot me my deseration became worst. I took a stanley knife blade to both arms and chest and shoulders as I felt I should suffer for what i had done. This only made teh pain and guilt go away for a short time an hour at most and the cust becames deeper and deeper. and as running out of places to cut so I kept going over old wounds. during my third night at my friends house I decided that my wife and son would be better of without me and I was to scared to go on. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I woke the following day in a bad way and spent the next two days in bed affriad and ashemed if myself and my failure. I considered trying a different option but the pain it would put my mum through who lost her mum to suicide after a break down stopped me.

    I tried to make amends with my wife but every thing I did resulted in the ippersite of what I was trying to achieve. Ive begged her to forgive me but I hurt and betrayed her and betrayed our wedding vows. Were getting divorced and I get to see my son for 2 hours a week but she has to be at the house. She moving to her familys in Devon and then I will see my son once a month.

    Ive been sigend of work sinse septemeber and they are trying to find me another job, My wife understandbly hagtes me and tells me teh very site of me makes her sick with disgust.

    I hate my self so much for what I did and became after my up bringing I swore once I had a child I would be a good dad and never let him down, I didn'tg even last a year. I hate myself so much Im not afriad to die I just carnt do it myself as it would hurt my mum to much. Im now on diazapan and 225mg of venaflax but its not working Im trainging for three hours aday butg I still want to open my self up on my shoudlers an upper arms. Im taking stupid risks in my car late at night when theres no one else around that I will have and accident. The only thing that gets me throught the day is hating myself and and what I am and using that hate to train.

    Im not proud of what I did and although my wife wasnt perfect she didn't deserve what I did. She hates me and tells me I deserve to suffer and I haven't suffered enough and I feel shes right. The self harming is getting worse the couselling isn't working and neither are the books im reading there full of good advice but deep inside I feel I deserve all the pain im feeling even though I unable to deal with it.

    Im planning on going to the ring in germany next year and not coming back. People are always having accidents there so it will just be another brit who ran out of talent and went to fast. Ive altered my will and written letters to my mum tellng how much I love her and my son and how sorry i am to my wife. There not written in a way that indicates what im planning I just think its for the best. Em hates me and has every right too and its not fair that she has to suffer seeing me once a month when i see luke. and telling him when he' s older that daddy had an accident is going to be easier than daddy go poorly and left mummy and you. just writing this makes me hate myself. people say he has the right to know his dad but knowing me would be upsetting and non productive. He;s a happy little boy and is best placed with his mum.

    My parents and family love me but I feel like every one should hate me. I hate me the cutting gives me relief for minutes but soon after im back where I started.

    I carn't see it ever getting better Ems right im like poison I destroy every thing I come in to contact with.

    I hate myself so much I keep putting myself in situations where I should get hurt and worse and its not working. There so many bad things happening to so many nice people in then theres people like me who deserve the bad things to happen.

    please feel free to tell me what a horrible person i am I know i deserve it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't think you're a horrible person. You made a mistake. We're human, and none of us are perfect.

    I'm sorry for what you're going through. You don't deserve all the pain you're experiencing. :hug: I know there isn't much I can say that will make you feel any better; but my PM box is always open if you want to talk.
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