I Deserve It

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by redrobin62, May 13, 2014.

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  1. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    About 23/24 years ago I had a boyfriend named Peter. After 6/7 months I broke us up. Peter said he loved me and cried (over the phone). I was taken aback. Love me? But I'm nobody, a nothing, a societal reject, surely he must be joking. I got to thinking about him and started feeling bad about it. I figured that anything that befell me I deserved it. When I became a drug addict and alcoholic I deserved it. When I became homeless, despondent and suicidal I deserved it. When I ended up sleeping in cars and parks and moving from city to city I deserved it. When I couldn't establish a relationship with anyone I deserved it.

    Today I am a perpetually depressed and suicidal individual. All these meds I take, along with therapy, doesn't help. I made a serious suicide attempt 22 years ago and I fear I'm headed that way again. I've been looking up methods on the internet. Another thing - I'm losing my apartment so I'll be homeless in about two weeks. Things just don't seem to be looking up for me. I think I deserve it.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hi there Redrobin62,

    I have been homeless before. I hated who I allowed myself to be at that point in time. I used to just accept who I became. I held onto that identity because it was all that I knew. I know how scary change can seem, but change is a good thing. I shudder at the thought of what could have happened if I didn't decide to change. I have no doubt that I would have died all alone in a motel somewhere.

    One morning; after my last attempt, I decided that I was going to try living a new way. My current choices at the time was destroying my life, health, and sanity. I was able to take a long look at my actions and I decided to push through that fear of the unknown. I told myself that whatever lies ahead had to be better than what I have been dealing with. It took time, and effort, but I was able to change. I am still changing. Lol. It never ends, but it's enjoyable for me to learn and to change. I am alive and healthier than I have ever been.

    In short; no one deserves to be miserable. There is hope and its within your grasp. Take a look at your life, and thoughts. You may not be perfect, but no one is. You can be loved. We as humans have huge potential to do anything we set our minds to. You may have hurt your ex's feelings at the time, but that was so long ago. Forgive yourself; get the closure you need. Live in the present; learn from the past. Tomorrow is your future. Make a plan; see it through. Don't expect too much and be happy with what progress you do make. Do this daily and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the big change these little steps can accomplish. Your not alone. :hug:
  3. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    Whatever you did, I think you already paid the price.
    It is hard to tell and sometimes impossible to understand it, but even failure brings us knowledge and transforms us into a better person than we were.

    Maybe Peter loved you, or maybe he was confused about his feelings. But he certainly forgave you by now and you should let it go and move on.

    You already proved you are such a strong person. You passed through many trials, struggled and weaked sometimes, but kept holding on so far.
    Whence I believe you have the strength necessary to successfully pass through this next difficulty. Do not give up now.
  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Welcome to this forum. ,... :witch2:
    I haven't been able to read all your posts, but I hope you find this place useful. Being sober helps. I wanted to congratulate you for that.
    You sound like you're having a crash and burn crisis. Does your therapist know that you are losing your home?

    You deserve the best. That doesn't mean you will get it, but no one deserves to be out on the street. I spent a lot of years there, on the street, and only bad things happen there in the end. I don't know what is happening with the guy you mention, or whether he can help you after 20 years. But I would guess that right now you need to find somewhere to go. Sometimes the mental health system can help with this--they might have temporary housing or be able to go to bat for you on housing issues. It is a good idea to apply now for public housing, too, provided you're not currently on bad terms with a public housing authority. It usually takes a long time to get in public housing, but it would start the ball rolling.

    all the best to you...
    Last edited: May 13, 2014
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. The misperception that people do not deserve what is good, is a very destructive and painful belief system. I wish I knew a way to resolve this issue. I work on it from my own perspective. But thats mine. Each person has to find their own understanding of why they do deserve what is good. And then work on replacing that correct perception for the misperception. I hope that you can find the correct perception that you do deserve what is good. I really do.

    In the meantime, coming here is a great decision, as far as i am concerned. I am sure there are so many of us who feel undeserving of good things. You are in good company. I wish us all clarity to see how we are worthy of what is good. I wish us release from self persecution etc. I wish us all the understanding that we do deserve what is good. As I said, I am working on it. But I have a long way to go. Glad you are here !!!!
  6. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    To everyone: thanks for your thoughts and responses. If there's anything that helps me most is finding that there are others who've been through the same trials and tribulations as me. I don't know why life has to be so hard. I guess I really do have to make myself stronger to deal with it somehow.
  7. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    what financial back up do you have if any? loans, money advice?
  8. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    I have no money. I'm waiting for a disability hearing which should be in about 8 to 10 months. My rent is paid by Housing & Essential Needs program which is administered through DSHS. Most places don't take HEN, though, that's why I'm looking at homelessness in the face.
  9. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    Hi Redrobin62. How are things working out for you?
    Any update?
  10. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    Thanks for asking. I'm almost resigned to the fact that I'll be losing everything in here and be sleeping in my car in two weeks. I told people about it at my NA meeting and they understand. Some of them are homeless, too, so at least I'll have some company. I spoke with a company called Pioneer Human Services which places poor folks in clean and sober buildings. They told me to call them next week to see if anything opened up. I also have an application out with an apartment complex but they haven't called me back yet. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
  11. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    I see you are actually lookin for a solution. That's really great! I will cross my fingers too! haha :-o
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