I made it what it is. I deserve the pain, both physical and mental. I deserve the loneliness, the futility, the lack of money. I am the one who learned to hate myself because I was fat. Being fat taught me how unlovable I was. Yet I was never able to unlearn it...or to control my eating. Even now, when my gastrointestinal system is shot, sending me to the bathroom all the time and causing pain, I won't stop eating. Eating all the wrong things. I am the one who isolated myself from the world. Now I have been alone so long I really don't know how to interact with people. I am only comfortable when alone. I spent money like I would die tomorrow (I can wish that, can't I). I deserve to suffer in this world. I am reaping what I have sown.