I deserve my right to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kiwiguy, Dec 22, 2010.

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  1. kiwiguy

    kiwiguy Member

    Ive been alone for the past 5 years. Before that i was very popular. I had the hottest girlfriend. Everyone liked me. These days i just seem to piss everyone off. And i dont realise how im doing it.

    Going from really popular to nothing isnt easy. I havnt been coping well. I naturally live for interaction with people. To be touched by someone else. everyone i meet, i have to drink with them. I drink myself to excess and ruin everything. Quitting alcohol wont fix anything though. Its my personality.

    Ive been alone so long now, i dont care if i die. Im ready to die. Im just too friggin scared to kill myself. I feel so pathetic. This reality of me being such an irritation to people is driving me insane.i feel like i need to apologise for every move i make. Every breath i take.

    I just want to know if there is someone out there like me.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi kiwiguy. You know, being alone can be a good thing at times, because you can have some peace and quiet and gives you plenty of time get work done. It's definitely nice to spend some with family and friends though, especially if you're feeling lonely. If you would like some new friends, then maybe go out occasionally and meet some new people? Spending time alone really doesn't have to be such a bad thing if you keep yourself occupied.
  3. kiwiguy

    kiwiguy Member

    Thats the thing though. I spend all my time trying to meet new people. And every time, i come across as an irritation they dont answer my calls, or my texts.

    One time someone called me that i met in town. He was chatting to me for about a minute and realised he called the wrong person. "Whos this?" "-my name-" "Oh, wtf" *CLICK* beep beep beep.

    I get over it quickly and become aggressive. Why the fuck dont you like me??? Am i that much of a freak you cant bare being around me?? Why??
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Maybe you shouldn't take it so personally? It takes time for people to become comfortable after meeting someone new. You have to be patient.
  5. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Hey KiwiGuy,

    Your definetly not alone many people feel like you and I am sorry you feel pretty much the same. Like Dave said it's good to be alone at times but can get boring and fustrateing. Maybe you should cut down on drinking a bit, if they were true friends they would be supporting you and not putting you down **hugs**
    You could also think of making new friends who will be willing to support you like join clubs with people around your age x
  6. kiwiguy

    kiwiguy Member

    I can never get this... I feel like im losing it... Im actually getting panic attacks from the thought of being alone forever.

    I care so much about what other people think of me. And you get people saying that all the time "why do you care what people think of you?"

    I dont know why. I just do. And i cant stop. I dont want to be alone.

    I dont want to be homeless because my craziness drives me to the state of being unable to work.

    I need someone to listen to me. I dont know what i need.

    A bullet maybe. I just wish i could get my hands on a gun. Its not so easy to obtain where i live. That would be so easy and so quick. Everything would be wiped. My whole existence would be gone. No more pain or confusion.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I have three of them, but that's really not what you need. You need to just your life the way that it is and keep trying to improve things. Stop caring about what people think about you. All that matters is what you think about yourself.
  8. kiwiguy

    kiwiguy Member

    I feel like im being greedy and selfish or asking for too much just having people like you reply to me!

    Am i using too much of your time? Am i being selfish? This is what i go through every single day, and it shows. People see it and dont want to be around me.

    I thought about hanging myself, but i tried choking myself with my hands and it didnt feel too good. God im pathetic.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey, don't feel guilty for asking for help. That's what this forum is here for. I like coming here to help out every now and then. Also, please don't hang yourself. Your loved ones would be traumatized if they found your body hanging from the ceiling.
  10. kiwiguy

    kiwiguy Member

    Ive been thinking. Maybe i should just become a determined loner. become a bodybuilder. Work on my physical appearance as a means to have a purpose in life.

    Instead of being the scrawny little white guy, become a massive guy that people admire because of something they could never have the determination to do.

    Or even a fighter. Completely stop drinking alcohol next year. Stop smoking. And get some boxing gloves.

    Im so confused right now, before i was saying i am going crazy.
    I feel like i want to fight this emotion. Fight it with will power. Determination.
    People being annoyed with me just angers me. People are pathetic i think.

    Not me. Im a soldier. I will live for me.
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    That's the spirit soldier. Never give up. Take up bodybuilding and go with it. I could use some more muscles too. I think that will be my new years resolution. :smile:
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