I deserve suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Garner14, Sep 23, 2010.

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  1. Garner14

    Garner14 New Member

    I have only made bed decisions in my life going as far back as grade school. I did not do well in school (mostly because I was lazy) and this disappointed my mother. Then I had a friend slap me around in front of people like my mom, other friends, my girl friend. I was the bitch. To scared to fight back. After high school i work fast food, selling Kirby vacuums, cleaned carpets, ect. Then the worst thing i did was used a women for a place to live and sex. She was an Indian women 20 years older than me, going though a law suit. During the worst time of her life I demanded sex, and to stay there rent free while i somked pot in her basement. She sold Kirby's door to door from 9am to 12am 6 days a week to pay the bills. After about two years of this I would disappear for three days, she waiting up all night then going door to door from 9am to 12am with no sleep. After the third night I would show up just wanting sex. Sex was me doing her doggy-style and only to get myself off. She would cry after sex some time. Her torture went on for 3 years. Finally I quit smoking pot and realized what a monster I was to her. I decided to dedicate my life to make her happy. Well, she needed a marriage cause her visa had expired. So with no love in my heart only guilt I married her. After 3 years she wanted a baby, and I realized the reality of the situation. A baby with a woman I never loved? So I left in the middle of the afternoon while she was at work. Just left a note on the table. Now one year later, she is saying you are my only chance to have a baby. You wasted 8 years of my life using me, and now that you are do well in your own life you threw me away like a piece of garbage. So as of today I need to just go back and give her a baby and continue to be the fake loving husband i was for the last 3 years. Suicide is not the answer, maybe after she has the baby, then I can get what i deserve. Death.
     
  2. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    Hi Garner, it really sounds like you have had a rough time. You are beating yourself up over it though my friend. Yes you have done some bad things, BUT, that was in the past. You need to try and accept that this was in the past, you were not thinking or acting rationally. Cannabis and a bad head make us act differently. I was a cannabis user for over 25 years, I know. I have also attempted suicide 5 times. I do understand Garner.

    Personally, I think going back to your ex and giving her a baby would be a bad move. Not only would you be moving backwards in you life, you will be putting yourself back into a situation that would cause you more harm. Being a father is also more stress which you don't need at the moment. Move on. have no contact with your ex, try and get yourself better. Get rid of the cannabis. These are things that I have done. I am not yet fixed but I am coping. It isn't easy Garner but it can be done. Don't be afraid to ask for help Garner, It isn't a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Stig.
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm gonna be harsh here...
    I don't think making a baby is the right thing to do..I think you already know that..
    If you don't love this woman you need to move on...what's done is done ...
    forgive yourself ..you are not totally to blame and she is using your guilt for her own means...
    If you have made a better life for yourself well done...don't throw it down the drain for something you don't want..
    and definately don't take your life over it...
    stay strong..
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG do not have a baby do not bring a child into this world use your brain you know this is so wrong. She was just as at fault as you are for letting the situation go on as long as it did She was the older of you too and knew she was being used. YOu move on now what is done is done over with get it. You move on to someone your own age someone that won't take advantage of you
    She in a way did that taking advantage of you for her own purposes.
    DO NOT bring a helpless child into a loveless relationship and cause that child hell.
    I think you know that so get on with your life and let her move on with her life
    end of story.
     
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