I deserve to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by washout, Dec 4, 2010.

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  1. washout

    washout Member

    I've been in college for six years trying to finish a four-year science degree. My marks are so bad and I've flunked so many courses that when I asked my career adviser if I can get into graduate studies, she just laughed at me. I doubt I'll be able to pick up a professional work placement either. Who'd pick a student with C averages when there's A's not getting jobs. My expensive six-year science degree won't be worth the paper its printed on. I keep trying to motivate myself to work harder; I set goals to do better; nothing changes.

    I live with my parents. I'm a single guy, 24, overweight, and my life is a dead end. Offing myself looks very, very good right now. People might say, why not aim lower, find a job that more realistic. What if I don't want to? I've proven myself to be a washout at everything I do. I never follow through on any sport, I don't have any friends, my profs look at me like the loser I am--flunking courses and sheepishly crawling back the next semester. I don't have any motivation, I can't follow through, I fail at everything.

    For the longest time, what's been holding me back has been my family. Every now and then, my mom says offhandedly "I don't think I can live if you pass before I do" but I think she's exaggerating. She's a strong woman. She'll grieve but I think she'll get over it if I killed myself. Then there's my 12-year-old brother. Perfect little angel. It'll be a shock to him, a big shock, to see my corpse. My parents put me through college and if I die, they'd have to pay for my funeral too. How could I do that to them?

    But then I came across life insurance. Turns out they come with a two-year "suicide exclusion" clause. If you take out a policy and kill yourself the next day, you don't get paid anything. Fair enough. But if you wait two years and then kill yourself, they have to--by law--pay out your insurance in full. That means I could leave my family--me, a dirt poor college student--half a million dollars in insurance payment. It won't make up for the psychological trauma of my passing, but at least it's something.

    I plan to go to the bank tomorrow and sign myself up. I have two years to turn my life around. If everything works out, great. If my life is still fucked up, and it likely will be, I can end it knowing my family will be well taken care of. I have detailed plans of how to commit suicide. If I do it, I plan to do it right. I want to be dead, not in the hospital room being interrogated by psychologists.

    Mind you, I haven't told anyone my about my suicidal thoughts; I'm not ready. You guys are the first. I haven't talked to any professionals because I don't have any mental illness. I'm not depressed, I'm perfectly capable of laughing and feeling happy. I don't have extreme mood swings (not in any way bipolar). You could argue that thinking of suicide is a mental illness but I don't agree with that. My life just sucks. I'm crushed by guilt and shame about leeching off my parents while flunking my courses. I have no self-esteem. I deserve to die.

    I blame myself for my situation. I'm the one who screwed up my college education. I had every opportunity to succeed--I squandered every one of them. What I want to know is: does my plan sound crazy to you? (the bit about killing myself and the insurance).
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2010
  2. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    What you plan to do is morally equivalent to insurance fraud. Though obviously you can't get prosecuted if you're dead, it's still a kind of theft. Paying your family's claim out costs money from everyone else who is using insurance as risk reduction. Their rates would be slightly higher to pay your claim.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG your parents do not want money get it they want YOU Lots of people are unable to finish college you move on find something you can do and enjoy.
    You obviously have not loss someone to suicide because NOONE get s over it
    UNderstand that noone moves on your death will not only kill you it will take your father and mothers and brothers spirit with you and you will have sent them up for years of pain and sadness wondering why
    YOu do have a mental illness low self esteem guilt shame all signs of depression
    GET some professional help the will get you motivated get on meds to give you that will again to try. but don't pass on pain to your family MONEY is nothing get it you are what is important YOU so get help now please
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I don't want to upset you but YOU DEFINITELY HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM.
    Seriously hun, you're going to have to stop the denial and accept it. It will be the first step towards getting well.
    Do you really think that people who are depressed can't laugh and be happy? Of course we can. I've been in depressions so deep that I can't get out of bed, can't wash, can't eat but my husband can still make me laugh and my children can still make me happy.
    Depression doesn't work in the way that you think it does. It works in the way that you've described in your post. There's a lot more than that to it as well.
    Get to a doctor and tell them how you feel. Go to the college counsellor and tell them how you feel. Get some help and start educating yourself on what depression actually is, instead of going along with what you think it might be.
    You'll be amazed at what you discover.
  5. washout

    washout Member

    What I do is perfectly legal. I have been paying for one kind of insurance or another all my life. Insurance companies makes payments all the time and don't you claim that one more policy is going to raise anyone's insurance premiums. Insurance companies are the ones who make up the contracts, and they have the obligation to live up to the words of their contracts.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2010
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ya but they never do they always find away a small print that gets them out of paying it like i said money is not what they want it is you they want
  7. washout

    washout Member

    I doubt anyone here is an insurance expert. Regardless, it's my plan B in case my life doesn't work out.

    Is it really me that they want? I sit in front of my computer all day. I barely talk to them over dinner. I don't have a job. I'm like an ugly piece of furniture that they have to keep paying for. They always ask me what I plan to do with my life. I've made one career goal after another and they all fizzled out. I graduated high school with a bronze medal for having the highest average in my school district. I was the perfect student. Then everything changed in the second year of college. I burned out. My marks crashed. I'm now a C student. I started out with a science degree. Then I made what my career adviser sarcastically called a "sideways shuffle" to get an English minor. I planned to become a writer, a reporter. It took two years and two separate writers to tell me I can't write sh!t. Now I'm back trying to finish my science degree and it's not going well. I've tried all this time to get back to the person I used to be: disciplined, intelligent, knowledgeable. But I realized that person's gone. I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I don't want to live with who I am: a failure.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes it is you they want you are struggling right now that all. no i am not an expert on anythng really. but maybe i have experiance in the loss of someone from suicide The loss is so great it does not go away. i am telling you this because i know.
    change takes work and help support i hope you can get some therapy to see why you are stuck where you are. maybe take a year off school travel meet new people have new experiances change the life you do not like they get back to school sometime that is what it takes.
    take care okay your parents do not see you as furniture they see you as their loving son always.
  9. washout

    washout Member

    Do I have a mental health problem? I feel perfectly sane. My guilt and shame and unhappiness didn't come out of the blue. I feel this way because of what I did: I stopped going to classes, I handed in two-bit reports, I procrastinated until the day before major exams. This went on term after term until I dug myself a hole so deep I can't get out of it. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just a stupid bum. Wouldn't I be lying to myself and to everyone else to blame it on depression, on mental illness? Wouldn't I be better off dead so I won't be a burden to my family or to society?

    I feel selfish doing all this complaining. I realize that most of you have gone through worse things than I have. I appreciate your help and your kind words.
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm not a doctor but you sound depressed to me. low motivation. low self-esteem. thinking of suicide. those are all signs. you have two years to turn this around. why not spend that time trying some alternatives, like medication, therapy, alternative treatments for depression (acupuncture works for some, light lamps, etc.). depression is not an excuse, it's an illness. suppose you had a broken leg. wouldn't you get treatment for that? same thing.
  11. josephMerrick

    josephMerrick Member

    I'm the last person who should give out any kind of advice and I was actually here for a different reason but I came across your post and thought I'd add my own two cents (I know you're only looking out for your family)...

    I'm not an insurance expert but I have worked at P&C insurance companies (not the same as life, I know). Now, you might have it completely right but i'd suggest having someone very familiar with Life Insurance read and interpret the policy since there might be a caveat hidden in the wording. After all, the main purpose of life insurance is coverage of accidental death.

    My own policy had a similar two year clause but the payout is only for the actual premium payments I've made. So, if i paid $100 a month for two years on a $500K policy, all that gets paid to the family is $2400 ($100/month for 24 months), not $500K.

    Also, insurance company litigators can be ruthless (no offense meant to any litigators here). There's a possibility that your family will be asked, and forced to answer, unsettling and unsavory questions at a very trying time in their lives.

    I ask that you please, please don't take this as an endorsement of any kind. I'm merely trying to state some facts as I know them from my various conversations with people in the insurance industry. If this post comes across as offensive to you, please accept my apologies and ask that it be deleted. One of my many problems is that i'm overly analytical... i just wanted to help.
  12. washout

    washout Member

    You guys gave me a lot to think about and I appreciate it. You guys are caring and smart.

    Someone posted a link to the book Forever Decision. It talks about the psychology of suicide and I saw some of myself in that. I guess some of my reasoning doesn't exactly make sense. I'm at a very low point in my life and I guess that's why I came up with such an elaborate way to catch the bus. I thought I had my mind made up but after reading the book and replying to your comments, I realized I still had doubts. I see now that things aren't nearly so hopeless. I decided to postpone the decision. That's the best I can do for now.
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that book is great, it saved my life the last time i was feeling suicidal. i'm glad you found it and read it. i wish more people would look at it.
  14. chickee

    chickee Active Member

    maybe you aren't depressed, maybe your life RIGHT NOW isn't ideal. You are probably using some catastrophic/black white thinking. So, here's what I recommend: live. It's hard but life is a series of ups and downs. When I was in college I thought I would never amount to anything and that I sucked and I hated myself. It has definitely changed since then as I am married to a great guy, have a well-paying job and have a baby on the way. life sometimes sucks and you just gotta roll with it.

    If you are overweight, join a gym. If you are getting bad grades, study more. If you hate your life, try something new and mix it up a bit. meet people and get out. If you really want to end your life then why not just pick up and move somewhere where no one knows you? what have you got to lose since you were going to lose your life anyway? Leave all the bullshit behind. I would choose that over death anyday!
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