I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at a very young age. I was treated with a series of antidepressants, none of which did anything at all for my depression. I also have several other mental disorders. Anxiety, Panic Adult ADD, and Schizophrenia (diagnosis later changed to "unspecified psychotic disorder.) I also have seizures. Also, when I was 8, it was discovered that I had brain cancer. The surgery to remove the tumor destroyed the right side of my body. My right arm is useless, I can't see out of my right eye, and I can't hear out of my right ear. The only thing it didn't affect was my right leg, so thankfully I can still walk. For the Psychotic Disorder, I had to experiment with different drugs. Geodon, Seroquel, and finally the one that works for me, Risperdal. I was in and out of psych wards many times before we finally found out that Risperdal is the golden ticket. For the Adult ADD, I have Adderall. For the Anxiety, Klonopin. For the Panic, Xanax. I never was able to find anything that helped in the least with my soul crushing depression. It comes in waves. It's not always here, but when it is here, it is the absolute worst thing in the entire world. I have been on at least half a dozen antidepressants, which did nothing. I tried extensive therapy, nothing. Here's where it gets complicated. I am not close to anyone in my family except for my mother. I have no friends that I feel would care enough to try and help me out. Even my own girlfriend, as I was crying my eyes out last night, just bitched at me because she thinks I should be able to suck it up. It's getting to the point where I am starting to hate her, but I can't go anywhere else because I have no friends that I could stay with, and my crappy job working for a non-profit pays me literally next to nothing. Also, I live in Washington, DC, which is one of the most expensive places to live in the entire country. I think the only place that is more expensive is New York. Anyway, my depression comes and goes, and it is back. It's really, really bad this time too. I have attempted suicide at least half a dozen times in the past. I'm thinking that this is going to be it though, the time where it actually works. The reason being because I have a gun this time. Anytime a psychotic episode or a depressive episode comes on and I am suicidal, my girlfriend almost refuses to take me to the hospital because she is afraid that I will lose my job, leaving her to support the entire household. That has got to be the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my entire life. I need help, in a very, very bad way. I am at work right now, but I am thinking that when I get home, I am going to put my gun up to my temple and <Mod Edit, WildCherry>. This is just too much. I literally have nowhere to turn. My one option is leaving my girlfriend and going to the psych ward, but then after I get out, I will be homeless because I live in an EXTREMELY expensive area and I would have no job.