I desperately need help (long, complicated story)

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at a very young age. I was treated with a series of antidepressants, none of which did anything at all for my depression. I also have several other mental disorders. Anxiety, Panic Adult ADD, and Schizophrenia (diagnosis later changed to "unspecified psychotic disorder.) I also have seizures. Also, when I was 8, it was discovered that I had brain cancer. The surgery to remove the tumor destroyed the right side of my body. My right arm is useless, I can't see out of my right eye, and I can't hear out of my right ear. The only thing it didn't affect was my right leg, so thankfully I can still walk.

For the Psychotic Disorder, I had to experiment with different drugs. Geodon, Seroquel, and finally the one that works for me, Risperdal. I was in and out of psych wards many times before we finally found out that Risperdal is the golden ticket.

For the Adult ADD, I have Adderall.

For the Anxiety, Klonopin.

For the Panic, Xanax.

I never was able to find anything that helped in the least with my soul crushing depression. It comes in waves. It's not always here, but when it is here, it is the absolute worst thing in the entire world. I have been on at least half a dozen antidepressants, which did nothing. I tried extensive therapy, nothing.

Here's where it gets complicated. I am not close to anyone in my family except for my mother. I have no friends that I feel would care enough to try and help me out. Even my own girlfriend, as I was crying my eyes out last night, just bitched at me because she thinks I should be able to suck it up.

It's getting to the point where I am starting to hate her, but I can't go anywhere else because I have no friends that I could stay with, and my crappy job working for a non-profit pays me literally next to nothing. Also, I live in Washington, DC, which is one of the most expensive places to live in the entire country. I think the only place that is more expensive is New York.

Anyway, my depression comes and goes, and it is back. It's really, really bad this time too. I have attempted suicide at least half a dozen times in the past. I'm thinking that this is going to be it though, the time where it actually works. The reason being because I have a gun this time.

Anytime a psychotic episode or a depressive episode comes on and I am suicidal, my girlfriend almost refuses to take me to the hospital because she is afraid that I will lose my job, leaving her to support the entire household. That has got to be the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

I need help, in a very, very bad way. I am at work right now, but I am thinking that when I get home, I am going to put my gun up to my temple and <Mod Edit, WildCherry>. This is just too much. I literally have nowhere to turn. My one option is leaving my girlfriend and going to the psych ward, but then after I get out, I will be homeless because I live in an EXTREMELY expensive area and I would have no job.

 

Hi
You do need help and there are so many ways to look at this.
It's a hard one because if you get help you deal with the possibility of having a really tough time once you are out of hospital....but you will get help ...but a new set of problems
But staying how you are you are saying you are going to shoot yourself...so...I'm just wondering...Is there anything you can do to plan ahead to a time where you are out of hospital.
I hear there isn't much money but any chance you could put some aside to give yourself a security blanket of sorts?
I don't want you to shoot yourself.
I think the hospital is the best option and then go from there.
I'm sorry I know it's not so simple.

Keep talking to people here and hopefully we can sort it out together.

 

Welcome, James. :hug:

1) I thought about this some, knowing that you have been in and out of psych wards. I was wondering if you would mind staying in there longer this time, until you feel you are ready to go back out. Perhaps an involuntary commitment?

2) I agree with you that your girlfriend being strongly hesitant about bringing you to the hospital doesn't seem right. However, you mentioned that your job pays you next to nothing, being non-profit and all. In the future, I'm not sure whether employers in most viable scenarios can refuse to hire you because of a mental health history.. With that said, I wish I knew more about how it works in the job hiring business.

3) I surmise that your mom could be willing to let you live with her until you feel well and find a job again? (after a hospital stay, that is) The reason being that I despise how your girlfriend is asking you to "suck it up so she doesn't have to hold up the household on her own." I'm not sure whether that's an option, but I wanted to bring it up.

Best of luck with everything, man.

Alex