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I despise myself

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Ever since i was a child i've had an unhealthy relationship with food. I use it as a form of self-medication. I was obese as a child but at 17 i switched from the extreme of eating constantly to hardly having anything at all. I would restrict my diet to one tuna sandwich a day. I did this for a whole year. Needless to say my weight reduced considerably and for a time my mood improved but i couldn't maintain this highly restrictive diet and i eventually started to eat other things. This was accompanied with a large amount of guilt, shame and disgust as i felt i was letting myself down. These feelings only fuelled my desire to eat more to make myself feel better. Of course this caused a perpetual self-destructive cycle of eating to relieve the depression only for the act of eating more to make the depression worse.
20 years later and i find myself still in this cycle. I've had 2 years of restrictive eating and now i'm fully out of control and can't stop eating. People have said to me, "just eat in moderation" but that doesn't work for me. There is either everything or nothing. This is a characteristic of mine that flows through every part of my life. Whether it be food, relationships or work. My brain simply can't grasp the concept of moderation, it only makes sense to me and feels right in my head when something is at one end of an extreme scale.
I have various other issues i have to deal with on a daily basis besides the whole food scenario but it's the one that's causing me the most pain at the moment. The fact that i'm male makes me feel a little awkward as the media usually portray eating disorders to be a female issue. None of my family or friends have the slightest idea about any of this, i've become extremely good at wearing a smile when i have to. Generally i don't want to interact with people, especially when i'm in the middle of a binging period. I don't want people to see me and how fat and discusting i look. I don't want people to touch me. I can't have mirrors in the house. There are times i just want to take a knife and cut my stomach off. I hate myself.
Counselling, psychologists, CBT have been no use to me whatsoever. They all say they find me fascinating to talk to but it all just leaves me cold, empty and feeling like i'm banging my head against a brick wall. It really has controlled my life. My anxiety, eating disorder, depression, social phobias stopped me from going to university. I find working in environments with lots of people and having to interact with them incredibly stressful to the point i will feign illness just so i don't have to endure the anguish of it. All of this combined with my age makes me feel like i've wasted my life. I often wonder what it would be like to not have these problems.
Although i must say i am a musician and i have noticed that a lot of people who suffer with these dark things are usually quite creative.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I think there are many people in many fields that suffer like you do Being artistic may make you more sensitive to words Have you tried dialetical therapy it works on changing self image A musician what instrument do you play i have no artistic skills i wish i did
One thing you could try: make food that takes a really long time to prepare. Either exercise or watch TV, or do whatever you like doing, while you're waiting on it to cook. This will give you greater satisfaction, knowing you worked hard to prepare the food, and also, you will have been busy making the food rather than eating it. :)

I used to have a problem where I would only eat unhealthy things, like cake. Nothing else. I lost a lot of weight, but I had other medical problems to worry about.

Or, load yourself up on hobbies. Take an art class, do yoga, whatever you want. Spend more time at your job, or in places where you can't eat a whole lot. Spend as little time at home as you can.

Buy a bunch of gum. Every time you get hungry, pop in a stick of gum.

Drain all your money on stuff you want (like a fancy new computer or something). You'll have less for food. :)

Remember though, take it slow. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one instant at a time, one decision at a time. :)

Also remember, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE. No matter how alone you feel, anyone you want is just a phone call away. Or on this forum. :)
Starz, thanks for posting this.
It makes me feel less alone. I feel the same way about extremes. It's been that way for everything, I either have to be in all the way, or not at all. Drinking and smoking were the worst, I had to stop completely. I couldn't have one drink, it is either none at all, or drink 'till I pass out. I don't understand why my mind is like that either, it is either all or nothing. It is at least reasuring to know that I am not alone.

Jordan, thank you very much for the advice. For the last couple of weeks I have been trying to take my time preparing food, cooking 'properly', instead of fast food, or pre packaged stuff. It is taking a while to get going, am learning proper cooking pretty much from scratch, but it does help.

Thankyou both.
I'm with you on this one. I was a fat kid, lost 40lbs in about 3 months and then I lost control and got fat again. I think the all or nothing approach is common with ED sufferers. I think it's because nobody notices us when we're "normal" so we go to the extremes to see if people care about us.

Do you find joy in music? I think it helps (though I'm not very good at anything I play :L). What do you play?


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Something else that will add weight is if you drink alot of sodas...I have a beach ball stomach from all the pepsi I use to drink..
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