and researched methods, and watched/researched method of choice on youtube and google. and now i feel much much worse, i want to stop that feeling. it has brought me back to those few times i went "out there" to do it . . . and i keep think it will fail, won't work, and then there would be humungous police business and stuff being in the spotlight being behind the computer screen and researching is nothing like going out there and being poised to do it at that very moment with the very real aspect of failing and going home/being discovered, and dealing with the aftermath, and psychological traumatization. and is not so much that i actually want to die but to change the situation.