I did it again

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Mibani, Dec 4, 2013.

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  1. Mibani

    Mibani Member

    I cut.

    It was a very nice day, me and the newer boyfriend had finished some... activities. We talked, as we always do- bringing up things in the day that troubled the other. He mentioned that I have been making some mistakes- I acknowledged them and promised not to do it again, simple.
    Soon enough he brought up the fact that I very strongly emotionally punish myself when I make a mistake. He added that one of his friends tends to blame- and I work with him. He would always blame me, and I would always blame myself, leaving this nice hole in my heart where a mistake rested.

    I stood, walked to the kitchen, found a dull blade, and did what I needed to. Sobbing as I came out to him as someone who cuts, someone who's afraid of blood who scrapes the skin until it stings. He returned it, as he admitted to cutting and suicidal actions as a younger boy.

    This is all fine and dandy... but I thought I was... done... with all of this.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Milbani,

    I used to carve myself a lot.... did that for about 5 yrs. I've been free from it for about 5yrs now too but when my depression creeps up as it is hitting me hard now..or I get stressed, I still have a very very big urge to carve. There have been times recently, if it wasn't for the fact that I had someone here to talk to , I would have carved myself. There have been times the only way to keep myself from carving was simply by forcing myself to sleep. The point is.... cutting/carving/buring/self injure in general... becomes an addiction. You never truly stop being addicted to something once it starts. After a time, you will find it easier to control the urges for it, but there will always be times you feel that urge.

    It seems to me that either you did not know this was an addiction or else you thought addictions were curable. Either way, the fact that you felt the urge against surprised you, shocked you even.... and because of that you ended up giving into the urge. Don't kick yourself for it. Just forgive yourself, and get back up and continue the fight in quitting.
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