First time in a long time... I had a horrible day today and I felt myself slipping over the edge.. I picked up this box cutter and ran it over my skin. When it didnt cut me I stuck myself in the finger with it to see how dull it was. I found another box cutter and my husband saw me with it. I said Dont worry. This thing is so dull it wouldnt cut thru air. I stuck myself in the finger with it and said see. Then I told him to watch and Id show him how dull it was. I quickly ran it over my arm three times. Then I noticed the blood coming from three cuts.. I said oh maybe it wasnt so dull after all... I wanted to cut myself and I did. I think it was 90% on purpose. I think I knew it wasnt so dull it couldnt cut me and I used that as an excuse to cut myself.. I did admit that to him because Im a very honest person who hates to keep secrets from him.. It felt good to see the blood trickle from those cuts.. I smushed them together to bring more blood out. I even told him why it felt so good to me.. They are still there.. Three raised up cuts about 3 inches long.. I felt in controll and I told him that.. I told him I have lost all controll and if I can controll ruther or not to cut myself I will controll it... My life is total shit..I cant controll my own kid because he stays with my dad or my mom to much. I cant controll the downward spiral in my relationship because my husband just wont change.. Im trying, Im trying damn hard. I watch my mouth at home, I try to clean up my thoughts before I talk to him about things..Im trying..Why cant he.... It brought back memories of when I was a teenager.. My incence and my dark candles..I would turn off the lights in my room and sleep under my desk.. I would cut myself and sometimes burn myself with the candle flames. It felt good to do those things.. I was reminded that I could bleed..Humans bleed..I was bleeding so I was human..Alive..I had feelings and I was alive..