I did it today..

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Aug 10, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    First time in a long time...
    I had a horrible day today and I felt myself slipping over the edge.. I picked up this box cutter and ran it over my skin. When it didnt cut me I stuck myself in the finger with it to see how dull it was. I found another box cutter and my husband saw me with it. I said Dont worry. This thing is so dull it wouldnt cut thru air. I stuck myself in the finger with it and said see. Then I told him to watch and Id show him how dull it was. I quickly ran it over my arm three times. Then I noticed the blood coming from three cuts.. I said oh maybe it wasnt so dull after all... I wanted to cut myself and I did. I think it was 90% on purpose. I think I knew it wasnt so dull it couldnt cut me and I used that as an excuse to cut myself.. I did admit that to him because Im a very honest person who hates to keep secrets from him.. It felt good to see the blood trickle from those cuts.. I smushed them together to bring more blood out. I even told him why it felt so good to me.. They are still there.. Three raised up cuts about 3 inches long.. I felt in controll and I told him that.. I told him I have lost all controll and if I can controll ruther or not to cut myself I will controll it... My life is total shit..I cant controll my own kid because he stays with my dad or my mom to much. I cant controll the downward spiral in my relationship because my husband just wont change.. Im trying, Im trying damn hard. I watch my mouth at home, I try to clean up my thoughts before I talk to him about things..Im trying..Why cant he.... It brought back memories of when I was a teenager.. My incence and my dark candles..I would turn off the lights in my room and sleep under my desk.. I would cut myself and sometimes burn myself with the candle flames. It felt good to do those things.. I was reminded that I could bleed..Humans bleed..I was bleeding so I was human..Alive..I had feelings and I was alive..
  2. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    :hug: This sounds like a cry for help and i can tell you're hurting. I'm here if you need to talk, just PM me dear. Talking about the issues you can't deal with helps far more than cutting does. Are you receiving any professional help?

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think it is a good idea to talk to your doctor or if you have one a therapist about the pain you are having. talking does help alot please phone your doctor and get help okay
  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I want to say Thank You to everyone who stopped by to read my original post. I know its not a big deal. The cuts are tiny and not a major issue. I have always handled differently then other people. I can up and stop behavior if I want to where other people usually struggle. I cut myself yesterday because I really wanted to, its that simple.. Why I wanted to is a bit unclear. Maybe I wanted to proove that I can controll something in this world where I have lost all controll over my life I wanted to say Hey I can controll this.. The only thing I really cant stop doing is eating (and I really wish I could)..

    No, I dont have any health care. I live in West Virginia and Im poor. I cant afford health insurance and I dont qualify for free insurance from the state. I dont live near free health care centers and even if I did they dont offer psych care at those places because of the state laws restricing it. So no I dont have access to a doctor, therapist, or medications... I have been trying to get ssi for over 3 years..I have had 2 hearings and still havent heard anything.. So until I either get a approval for ssi or a miracle happens to give health care to all (or something amazing to give me more income) Im not helpable from a professional point of view..
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