I did it..

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ImInLovexx, Jan 9, 2007.

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  1. ImInLovexx

    ImInLovexx Guest

    So last night wasnt..the best night ive had. I cut..deep. and i told my bf, he told my therapist..so now my mom knows that i started my "bull shit" again, as she likes to put it. *sigh* oh well, i guess its better she know than to be left in the dark. >< but still! gosh!
    It usually..never hurts when i cut, but this time it stings..it hurts so much that it makes my eyes tear. It used to be just..numb.. I guess I learned my lesson? ...idk..its actually nice that it stings...i want it to sting...
     
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i know how you feel hun, and i wanted to tell you that it doesn´t matter if it stings or not, you need to hang on and try to not to cut, for your own safety, i wish i could say something to cheer you up, but i don´t know what´s going on in your life or how many time has past since you started doing it...i´´m not being helpfull i know but i just wanted to tell you top hang in there!!!:)
     
  3. ImInLovexx

    ImInLovexx Guest

    Thanks, u really did help a little. :smile: its really rare for me to cut, i mean the last time i did it was in the summer that just passed. so...like i guess my urges got the best of me..
    im okay now though, thank you. :smile:
     
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i just wated to adice you, try to find another way to let all the sadness and the pain away, bacause you don´t do it so often now, and you think thar may be isn´t not a big deal, but when the days and the years pass, you won´t be able to come back from that way.i´m trying to warn you, becasue you will feel some day like the sticky thread on this self harm section (actually the way i feel everynight) and you will be alive just for hurting yourself and it will take aways everything that you ever loved. i don´t know if you already read it but i´ll copy it below:

    ....before you make that first cut remember:
    You will enjoy this.
    You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
    Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep,
    And will heal easily ...
    They will get deeper.
    They will scar.
    They will sometimes take months to heal.
    And years for the scars to fade.
    If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body,
    Think again...
    It will spread when you run out of skin.
    Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
    Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....
    You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
    You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
    You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth
    of your shirt, or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
    Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
    Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your
    entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and
    covering up cutting.
    And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
    And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
    And you are gasping....
    And you feel yourself shaking all over.
    You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't
    tell anyone.
    So you sit there alone...
    Praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far
    again...
    But you will, and further.
    Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that
    you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
    And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.
    You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself
    spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
    You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the
    counter to ring up your order.
    Butterfly strips...
    3 or four different kinds of dressings...
    Betadine....
    Antibiotic cream..
    Medical tape..
    Scar reducers.....
    You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move
    and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
    And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...
    Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same
    supplies...
    Someone who understands but of course that never happens.
    Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
    Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...
    Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots... gloves.. the list goes on and on.
    You will start looking at everyone in a different way...
    Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI...
    Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
    You wont even think about it ..
    As your eyes scan their wrists + arms...
    Hoping just hoping they will be like you....
    But they are not.
    You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
    You will start doing a lot of things alone.
    You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
    You will always be cleaning up the blood..
    Scrubbing your bathroom floor...
    Wiping the blood of your keyboard...
    You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....
    Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
    When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting
    tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen.
    Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will
    find something.
    Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
    Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A
    normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
    Get ready to itch.
    Because you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you
    have fleas or a skin disease."
    You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully..
    You will dream about cutting...
    you will dream about being exposed.
    It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will
    wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting...
    At the same time, you love it and can't live with out it...
    i didn´t wrote this a member called jaicee did it.


    hun i feel this way every night and i don´t want other people feel like this, that´s why i´ll always here if you ever need to talk(just pm me if you preffer to talk in private)i wish you luck and take care:)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2007
  5. ImInLovexx

    ImInLovexx Guest

    wow... that paragraph...it scared me, it reminded me of all the times i would do some of those things...it really honestly terrified the crap out of me...:blink:
    thank you...for making me realize, though its hard to stop and to not think about it..but..that does help..
     
  6. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Yes i found that paragraph very very powerful too.

    i read it a while ago cos its a sticky but each time i read it it still seems so powerful to me.i can so so so relate to it and what it says.

    im sorry you had a bad night the other night but im glad you were brave enough to post about it here.Well done.im glad you got through it and please know that we are here anytime you need to talk!My PM inbox is always open too and it would always be good to hear how you are doing.

    Please look after yourself.

    Take care and best wishes
    kath
     
  7. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry your mum has taken that attitude. I know it isn't helpful.

    How are you now? Physically and mentally, I mean.

    Hope you're okay :hug:.
     
  8. ImInLovexx

    ImInLovexx Guest

    Im fine, mentally im exhausted...and physically i hurt..
    but feelings wise, im alright. :) thanks
     
  9. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Good, I'm pleased to hear that :smile:.
     
  10. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    yeah it scared me too lol, but not when i read it, when i realize i feel like that, that´s why i´m always here, i try to help people so you or aybody feels the way i do. hun pm me at anytime if you need to talk:)
     
  11. silence1one

    silence1one Member

    POWERFUL MESSAGE! Wow! Jane Doe,I salute to your contribution in those message.I joined this site not because I cut but due to challenges in my relatioship,I needed friendship and understanding from people who experiences anxiety and depression (?) in life.I know of a friend,s daughter who cuts and she is only 15 years old!This girl's parents are going through some challenging time in their relatioship as well.She came from a well to do family but MAYBE her dad is having a mid life crisis or something and is currently neglecting her welfare at the moment.Well thanks Jane and keep up your good message,take care.
     
  12. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well i started at 15 too, and i know how she must feel, the best you can do if you want to help is try to listen what she needs to say, because she NEEDS to say something and she feels she can´t, may be for her family´s troubles, i don´t know what else to tell you because i still do it...
     
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