Hi. I'm the one with BPD, BI-POLAR and ADD. I've been in therapy for almost 2 years. All last year I tried cold-turketing off my psych drugs and was therefore suicidal for much of 2006. We didn't get much done in therapy because she was always trying to stabilise me and I wouldn't listen. Anyway yesterday I wrote a document sharing with her all the sex abuse I had as a child and teen thinking getting it off my chest would be greatly helpful to me. Well it wasn't. I thought I was going to feel great and just the opposite happened. I feel as suicidal as I did last year. WHY??? It was a closely guarded secret for about 42 years. I never told a soul and now I feel like dirt. Worse than dirt. It's all I can do to not to take the bottle of Tylenol. Please help.
I did something I now regret
- Thread starter nutty
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Hang on tight. You've let the monster out and now fear all the disgust, anger, shock that you experienced yourself will be in other peoples minds but aimed at you.
Also, saying it isnt dealing with it. It's the first step (and a very very brave one) of a long and sometimes frightening journey to come to terms with the abuse. The few weeks and months are going to some of the hardest you've ever had, but (before you freak out with fright) these are the weeks and months where all the wretchedness you've ever felt, all the anger you bottled up, all the self disgust and loathing you've ever felt will be aired and dealt with and finally got rid off. As you deal with each of the emotions you will have carried from the abuse you will find the depression will begin to lift and see a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's a long and very difficult journey but you've done perhaps the hardest bit, actually telling someone what happened.
When it all gets too hard we are here to help carry you for a while.
Also, saying it isnt dealing with it. It's the first step (and a very very brave one) of a long and sometimes frightening journey to come to terms with the abuse. The few weeks and months are going to some of the hardest you've ever had, but (before you freak out with fright) these are the weeks and months where all the wretchedness you've ever felt, all the anger you bottled up, all the self disgust and loathing you've ever felt will be aired and dealt with and finally got rid off. As you deal with each of the emotions you will have carried from the abuse you will find the depression will begin to lift and see a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's a long and very difficult journey but you've done perhaps the hardest bit, actually telling someone what happened.
When it all gets too hard we are here to help carry you for a while.
You did a very brave thing by sharing your deepest secret and I admire you for it. You have probably been trying so hard to supress that secret that now you feel a little let down having done it. It probably also brought a lot of those same feelings to the surface because you really had to think about it and write it down. I think you will probably feel a lot better about it after the shock of actually telling someone has worn off. Even if it doesn't feel like it, I think you did the right thing. Also, DO NOT try to suicide with Tylenol. It is a very slow, VERY painful death (I'm talking weeks here). Take care of yourself and just let the shock wear off.
I feel like I'm going to a pulminary specialist with a cold. This has happened and is happening millions of times all over the world. Why even bother with me? (and I truly aam not trying to be a martyr). I'm nobody special, I'm just taking up space on my therapist's docket. She probably feels like, Oh not another one.
nutty, this is a place where people who are in pain come to share and be around others that can understand the hurt. the reasons for the pain are quite varied, but what is important is that we hurt and we understand that you hurt too. please understand, you are not a bother to anyone here. i'm not as eloquent as some others on this board, but we are here for you to lean on. feel free to pm too
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