I did something I shouldn't have

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Jan 29, 2015.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream 80's Kid at Heart

    A few days ago I felt very lonely and I was making something for myself for lunch and I saw some of my father's pain pills. I took three of them, a few minutes passed by and I started to feel the affects of them. The minute I felt the affects of them, I already felt bad for using them but I couldn't take back on what I did. The whole day I felt as if I was going to throw up but I never did, instead I was laying down on my bed trying to get rid of the feeling from them but they made my whole body numb and I no longer felt lonely anymore. Instead I felt good off of them and I feel really guilty for ever taking them. I used to take pain pills in the past with my ex boyfriend who was addicted to them and we both got high off of them. We spent so much money on them and now I'm starting to feel like I want to start using them again, but I promised myself that I wouldn't touch them again. I feel so awful about taking them, I never told my boyfriend now about taking them cause I don't want to worry him and have him break up with me cause that's what I'm afraid what will happen. I don't plan on telling my parents either about taking the drugs cause I know that they'll yell at me. I'm not ready to face the consequences about taking them. I'm deathly afraid about telling anyone so instead I plan to tell my therapist about this only.
  2. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a good idea--tell your therapist. He/she can help you decide whether to tell anyone else.
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I am going to put this to you very bluntly because no one ever did to me when it happened to me, and unfortunately if I try sugarcoating it, youre probably not going to listen or care...I know I wouldnt have. But before I do, just remember Im not saying any of this to offend you, or make you feel guilty, or scare you...but this is the truth of the road that youre headed down right now.

    Firstly, as long as your fathers pain pills are in the house, and especially within your reach, you are probably not going to get over those thoughts you are having about using no matter how hard you try. I dont know if he is currently taking those pills or not, but I take it if you took 3 of them and he was taking them on a scheduled regimen, then he would probably notice eventually that a few were missing. And since youre afraid of telling your parents and getting in trouble, then Im going to assume hes not really taking those pills that often....or you wouldnt have risked taking them out and having him notice. So, heres the thing, you know your dad a lot better than I do, so if you think hes not using those pills anymore at all and doesnt even care that they are there, then flush them straight down the toilet. He wont notice or care, and you wont be tempted...so that would be a win/win. If he is using them, at least periodically, and you do think he would notice if they were gone, well then thats a very difficult situation. Aside from talking to your therapist like you said, and having him/her give you some ideas to reduce temptation, the only other thing you could do is talk to your parents about it and ask them to hide them somewhere so that you wont be able to get them and wont know where they are. But to do that, you would obviously have to explain why. You could just say that theyve been tempting you to get high even though you havent done it yet if you think that would fare better, or you could be completely honest and tell them what happened and just deal with whatever their reaction is. Good news is, if youre completely honest, theres a chance they might understand and take it seriously which is better for you.

    As for your previous situation with your ex-boyfriend, having gotten high on pain pills before, unfortunately that part of your life is not over and it never will be. And Im talking about the drugs, not the boyfriend. Again, im not saying this to make you feel bad, but thats just how it is. I dont know how long you were using or how much, but from the sounds of your post, the fact that you still want to keep using tells me enough. So, first thing you have to do is accept that youre an addict. And that means realizing that any tempation such as opiates lying around the house, or being lonely or feeling bad, or even something you see or hear on TV or while youre outside...all of that and more could trigger you to want to use. Please dont think that because you promised yourself you would stay clean once you broke up with your boyfriend that thats going to always be the case and that part of your life is done. Its not. I used to think the exact same thing. The first time I used opiates was with my ex-fiance who was addicted before he met me. I thought I was just doing it to get rid of whatever bad feelings I had once in a while and if I wanted to stop I could stop. He was my only way of obtaining the drugs...without him, I had no clue even where to go or who to ask, so when we broke up, I decided to stop and didnt touch any of that crap again for about 5 months. Well, that didnt last. Before I knew it, I felt so alone and wanted to get high so bad that I was doing anything and everything to try to find a way of getting those drugs again. I ended up going to NA meetings, but nevertheless, I still got high in the process because eventually I did find someone who was willing to help me get them. After that, it was all over. I went on a binder, sold all my shit, stole other peoples shit and sold that, was willing to even sell my own body at one point, and ended up getting kicked out of my house. All for a bag of heroin. And yes, I said heroin...because thats what youre going to end up doing too once the pain pills stop giving you the same feeling they are now. I started with pain pills too, but my tolerance grew and they werent getting me high anymore, I felt physically sick without them, and they were too expensive to keep buying in large amounts...and I mean just to stay well at this point, not even to get high. So, if you get to that point, which you will if you keep using the pills...everyone does, the only logical (or I guess in this case illogical) solution to the problem is going to be heroin because its a lot cheaper, and youre going to be whacked out of your mind. And heroin is the point of no return. Once you snort a bag of heroin, you will end up shooting it in your arm, no matter how afraid or repulsed you are by needles...I know, cause I was too at one point. So, when you get to that point, youre going to be so much worse than you ever were with the pain pills. Youll do anything to get that next bag, legal or illegal, things you thought you would never do in a million years, and will continue an endless cycle of screwing yourself left and right in the process until you lose everything and everyone in your life and end up on the streets. Thats the way everyones story ends who doesnt get treatment and stop using - homelessness/jail/death. There are no exceptions to that. Which is why at this point, its absolutely imperative that you realize the seriousness of all this, dont be stupid like me and play wih fire thinking you can stop or youre not an addict because I can tell you for sure that you are...and definitely go to therapy and NA meetings. But whatever you do, dont just do nothing and deal with the feelings youre having inside your head without telling anyone and getting help because trust me it will not end well for you.

    Im telling you all this not for shits and giggles but because like I said, no one told it to me when I needed to hear it, and now its too late because I got to that point of no return and still use every now and then no matter how hard I try not to. You dont want that to be you. The path of addiction is very painful both physically and mentally, and it never ever ends.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2015
  4. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    What you did can't be erased.

    So now what matter is what you will do now.

    You have to face the situation.
    Are you strong enough now to stay away from it. Because with those pills being at your reach if your still shaky it's something very hard you put on you.

    Talk to your therapist but maybe you should tell some people around you too so they can help you staying away from this shit.

    And if you have to lose your boyfriend because he can't deal with this because it might be to hard for him now so be it.

    First you have to think about what you want for you on your own.

    If you stop for someone else you will never achieve anything.
  5. Bert29

    Bert29 Account Closed

    I agree with turryburry, you should consult your therapist about this. She/he knows what you should do. I remember my brother when he uses drugs, he never told us about it. But after he consult his therapist, he realize that admitting is the first stage of recovery. Of course we get mad at first, but then we forgive him, and help him end his suffering. Now he’s attending some drug recovery program near Missouri, and I see that he’s improving every single day. So my only advice to you is admit to yourself that you made mistake, be brave to face the consequence. Don’t be afraid of anything, if your boyfriend really loves you, he will understand you, and in fact, he might help you if this. Hope that you’ll be fine soon. God bless you.
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