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I didn't ask to be born...

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I didn't ask to be born. I wasn't even a planned child; just the result of my parents drunken antics in the bedroom.

I don't know what I did to deserve this life of suffering. Mental disorders, loneliness, and depression are my only friends.

The funniest thing is that I am only still living because of the people that put this curse on me-- my parents. I can't burden them with killing myself. My mother I could hardly care less about, but my dad is just someone I can't do this to.

If you saw me, you would probably think I was just a normal, down to earth guy. I certainly don't look the way I feel inside.

My thoughts and dreams are filled with fantasies of killing myself and finally becoming free. I imagine myself floating up from the Earth, looking down at all the bullshit and suffering I would leave behind, and it brings tears to my eyes.

I honestly can't imagine my life ever becoming enjoyable. I am far too messed up and repulsive to ever have any friends or a girlfriend. I'll be spending the next 60 years keeping myself company and masturbating to internet porn. I wonder how long it will take before the loneliness finally takes my sanity.

I have been having very disturbing thoughts lately. Nothing I would ever act on, but just the fact that I'm thinking them upsets me. I have thoughts of killing people, raping women, incest, and pretty much any sickening thing you can imagine. As I said, I don't think I would ever act on these thoughts, but I just cannot purge them from my mind.

I seriously wish I could just die in my sleep, or maybe in a car accident. If I can't kill myself, the next best thing would be to just die some other way.

Yes, I am one seriously messed up individual.
From the way your post was written, I can tell you know raping/killing people/etc is unacceptable behavior. Intrusive thoughts such as this are seen as the beginning of psychosis. Luckily, people who are only on the first stages of psychosis are able to get rid of it completely through a mixture of perscribed medication and psychotherapy.

You're best off seeing a psychiatrist for assesment, they would most likely perscribe you Respiredone (which tend to cure people at your stage after 2 years of taking the medication), and then decide on a psychotherapist for you to see, so you can learn to deal with and get rid of the distrubing thoughts.

Get better soon, you're in my thoughts,
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