I didn't even want to die back then...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by BeautifullyChaotic, Sep 29, 2011.

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  1. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    When it happened to me I was a teenager, a human being with no human rights. I wasn't even trying to kill myself, I was just trying to sleep, so I took a total of <edit moderator total eclipse method> and laid down. My dad freaked when he called for me from the door and I didn't respond and called paramedics, they slapped me around till I was totally awake and lucid, then strapped me to a gurney, even though I wasn't fighting them.

    When we got to the hospital the doctor asked what I had taken, they said their best guess was almost a full bottle, what a joke. They pumped me full of charcoal and jabbed a needle in my thigh. I don't know what they gave me, but it gave me vivid, scary dreams. When I woke I was in white scrubs in a white room without windows, all alone. I was so scared. No one had spoken to me directly at this point and I had no idea what was happening to me.
    I remember going to the door of the little room and knocking on it, asking if anyone was there.
    Next thing I knew there was nurses flying into the room, another needle in my thigh, more scary dreams. This went on for God knows how many days, then finally a doctor came to see me. He asked me some questions, stupid things all about my sex life, which I didn't have at the time, and drugs, which I hadn't even tried at that point, not once. From this list of questions it was determined at age 13 that I was bipolar.

    They tried me on dozens of pill cocktails, everything made me crazy, like break a chair over your back and burst into tears crazy. The lithium and depicote was the worst, it made me shaky and numb, I felt nothing; no anger, no sadness, no joy, no hope, no love... no nothing. Apparently that's how you are supposed to feel, because that's what they kept me on for 3 years, till I was emancipated and sought out a new doctor. He told me that I was not bipolar, that there were no signs of it at all before the meds started. He said reading over my history told him I was depressed and suffering from insomnia as a result, the drugs had never been needed, but because I was on them for so long I had suffered damage.

    3 years of hell, 3 years of nothingness. When I finally began to feel again the only thing I was able to feel was anger and resentment. To this day I have not been able to forgive my dad for what he let them do to me. They ruined me and now I realize that medication could actually help me with my depression, I refuse to take it for fear I would stop feeling all together... I'd rather feel bad than feel nothing at all, at least now I know I am alive. I remember thinking as a teenager and maybe I wasn't actually here, or maybe I was trapped in a coma; because nothing felt real.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2011
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you seem to have been through so much so early in life, I hope sharing here help you to make some sense of it. My first thought is that maybe working this out in talk therapy with a counselor or a psychologist would help.
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Meds can help - especially combined with therapy...I'm not gonna say that it'll be the perfect solution straight away - but surely it's worth a shot?
  4. zzzsheeoyzzz

    zzzsheeoyzzz New Member

    Personally I find taking red star 'nutritional flake yeast' helps with my depression. It contains B vitamins, including Niacin. Taken in the morning.

    Theres also Flaxseed/fish oil, anything with omega 3s helps with mood.
    Theres also taking vitamin D,
    and I take a magnesium citrate supplement before bed, it helps you relax.

    These are some natural vitamins which can help with depression.
    As well as Cutting out/limiting things like dairy and gluten, not eating junk food, and trying to eat whole foods, such as oats, meats, and vegetables (I steam mine). Usually eating 6-7 meals per day, gapped every 2-3 hours too. Although with me, my depression is somewhat related to abdominal pains/IBS, so by improving my IBS, my mood helps as well.

    Theres also some natural antidepressant medications such as st. johns wort, L-theamine, 5-Htp, Rhodiola, read up on them first, and dont combine any of these with each other or SSRIs. (some people combine some of them, but I dont reccomend).

    As for your story, the pschiatric medicine world is fucked. I wouldn't blame your dad entirely, because he was probably caught up in what the doctors were saying was 'best for you' of course I dont know exactly what happened.

    these are just some suggestions I can think of off the top of my head.
  5. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys; for your suggestions.
    I am searching for a low income mental health center in my area, my medicaid will only pay for 3 visits with a therapist, and I just don't feel that's enough for me, plus I want to see a doctor as well as a therapist. So far I haven't found anything nearby, and I can't drive the distances to get to the ones I have found, I'm still searching though. Wish me luck!
  6. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear of that trauma you went through at such a young age maggi,no wonder you have resentment towards your father. I can relate to some degree coz my mother had an ambulance and the police come get me when I was sixteen and shipped off to a secure unit. My crime was having low self esteem,agoraphobia and staying in my bedroom most of the time.I struggle with why a mother would do that rather than trying to help me herself. I hope you find the help your looking for x
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