i didnt know where else to go

Its 2am in Colorado and i'm alone. Im not sure why im here. I guess i just need to tell someone. I graduate in one more semester and all I can think about is how im going to kill myself. I can't talk to my family about it because they'll start feeling sorry for me and looking at me like im a freak, and I cant tell my friends about it because I have no friends. the latter is mostly my fault because I never let myself get close to anyone. I always felt like I was always giving but never receiving. My "friends" liked me when I listened to their problems but didn't want to hear an ounce of mine. So I became a recluse. Its easier to be alone and not have to worry about other people's feelings than to be around people who never give a crap about yours. that's what I tell myself. but im so alone. Im so alone right now and all I can think about is why I did this to myself. And all I can think about is how I can never fix it now because I feel more misunderstood than ever and I can't trust people to care enough to tell them how much I wish I were dead.

 

Your right about people. A lot of them are so self centered they only want to be listened to, not to have to listen to you. You deserve to be listened to like everyone else.
You can always make new friends though when youve worked out how to trust a little more (although i don't blame you for not trusting people, some of them arnt nice). What's more important is your family. You said theyde start feeling sorry for you. That means they care. Maybe you need to be felt sorry for. If your thinking of killing yourself and your all alone it seems you might be short of affection.
Why did you say theyde treat you like a freak though?

 

thank you for listening. im sure i sound like a whiny child. Yes, you are right, i am in need of affection. My family loves me, i know that, but we are the unaffectionate kind. everything always has to be funny and shallow. so when i say they will see me as a freak, i mean i will feel so uncomfortable knowing that they know that i'd never be able to say anything without me thinking that they're thinking that i will shoot myself the next day. i'd have to control everything i say to them forever. in essence, i will become a freak. i would never burden myself or them with that. we've already been through enough. i do need affection but i dont think that's the only thing that will get me through this. ive had suicidal thoughts for a very long time. i tried to kill myself when i was 16, i can't remember exactly why now. I had friends. in fact i was pretty popular. i had a few good relationships and got plenty of affection from them, but I still felt like crap. like now. same feeling whether there is someone in my life or not. I met someone recently and all i could think about was how much i couldn't wait for them to get out of my life so i could be alone. and now i am. its completely ridiculous. I know. everytime i think about how to kill myself, i wonder why. I have a warm bed to sleep in, i have food to eat and a fairly decent life, people like me. i feel so stupid for wanting to die when there are people out there fighting like mad to live. i know how childish i sound. ive analyzed the whole thing to death, so to speak. i have a whole whine list of how my psyche got to this point, but still, i can't stop thinking this way. i know how it all sounds and i hate myself for even saying anything, but thankyou for listening. sincerely, i had a fear i'd come back and see the view column lingering with a dreaded 1 forever.
if you don't mind me asking, why is your screen name h2osmack? ho to smack? do you hit women. I won't judge i'm just curious.

 

lol, I definitly don't hit women. Theyde probably beat me up if I did haha.
My nick name at high school was smack because it's similar to my last name (kinda). And the h2o bit comes from a gamer clan I used to be part of (a long time ago).

You don't sound whiny at all, you have to tell people whats bothering you.
But you sound like you like being alone, which isnt always a bad thing but it is very easy to seclude yourself from the rest of the world. I've read posts about how people pushed people away and how lonely they are now and it's very sad. Try and let people in a little if you feel distant.
Another point is a jokey family are the best kind of family. It means they've got humour and feeling and they enjoy life. I bet they love you very much (and I only bet when i'm sure I can win) and if your in a position where you need their help they will help. And they shouldnt be freaked out by you, they will be more likely to be worried, and them being worried about you must be a drastic improvement on them grieving over your suicide.
So i'de stick around and just see how things develop and keep coming back and telling us about things you want to know about and things will hopefully get better.
The best live's are the ones that are made not the ones that are given.

 

thank you ho 2 smack (kidding). I was in an abusive relationship so i thought maybe you couldve lent some insight into the whole matter, but that's OK. my family is jokey but only to hide the real emotions. it's not one of those fun families where we laugh and cry together. But i won't complain because I understand why we are the way we are. They are decent. And I honestly do not want to burden them with this matter, that's why i'm here.
i know this may be strange, but would you mind me asking why you are here? I read a few of your posts and it sounds like you are very kind and very caring. Then I read the one about setting a date and it says you set one for january 6th? I'm sorry for being intrusive.

 

Sure. Although I do feel like a hypocrit because I tell people not to do it and I think about doing it myself. This may not make sense becuase ive never really put it into words before.

I've been depressed for a very long time, i'm 20 and for 7 years i've slipped down and down. This depression has made me who I am. I can think about people easier and see how they tick when they are depressed, I can look at people in the street and can sometimes feel if they're sad or happy.
I suppose I came here by accident, I was looking for people's takes on suicide as well as how to go about it on the net and I found the forum. I looked around for a bit first (never really used forums before) and I kept seeing so many people that just needed to be heard. It's the most core thing I believe in, if people don't have anyone to talk to they will waste away and it's not fair, everyone deseves to be heard.

I really can't work up the courage to say why i'm so depressed because i've not told a soul in all these years, but a catalyst is my work. I am at uni in my third year on a computer games course. I get depressed sort of on and off, but it makes me lose my motivation for my work.
About a month ago I decided to stop going to uni and drop all of my work in a fit of sadness, I know now that i've failed my course, the one thing I really loved, because my mind wouldnt let me do it.
I think i've had a full life with lots of memories but it's time for me to go now, I'll just celebrate one more Christmas with my family and see the new year.

 

As I said before though, that burden will be nothing to having to bear loss. Can you not just talk to one member of your family like your mum? It's great your on here and talking to people but you need to share things with people close to you as well.
I was just thinking about the friends thing. You listened to their problems maybe so well that they possibly never could assume that you had any problems of your own and it threw them when you had.
I have a friend from high school, he was the happiest looking funniest silly and kind person who everyone liked. I found out a few years ago that he'd had to go to therapy because of a relationship breakup, I was shocked. The guy never got angry, never looked sad and really lightened the atmosphere.
I suppose though, if he'd had come up to me and said he was sad i'de not know what to say to him as i'de always assumed he was happy.
I'm not saying your friends are treating you like this example, they might just be selfish, but it's sometimes worth finding out, just try not to get burned by them anymore if they turn out to be selfish.

 

when I was 20, i went into surgery to give one of my kidneys to my mom. She had been sick for over twelve years. everyone called me a hero, but they didn't know the truth. the doctor told me there was a 10% chance I wouldn't wake up. I was so relieved. I finally had a chance to die (even if it was a tiny chance), no one would be blamed and I would be saving my mom in the process. when I came to, I asked the nurse, "where am I?", but I knew exactly where I was. I was still alive. I was numb for the rest of my recovery and since then. I could never tell my mom. i"m going to try to resolve this by myself for now. I have my date set for the last day of june 2007. If I fall completely off the edge, i may tell someone then, but i still have some hope, I think, otherwise i'd be dead by now.
have you told anyone about it yet? and if you don't mind me asking, do you know exactly when and how your depression began? I've analyzed my own situation and figured mine started when I was nine, when my mother got sick and my family grew silent about it. I felt like she had died. the rest grows from it I believe.
about the friends thing. I don't have any friends. i burned all those bridges years ago. I was ready years ago.

you are not a hypocrite, because that would make me one too. I don't want you to die, even though I barely know you and we are in cyberspace, you may be the most real person I've ever met. and the other people on here, everyone's so raw, and you are so right about people just needing to be heard. with the way the world is these days, it's easy for a voice to get lost in the static. i have a tiny hope that the static will clear and one day we'll all see eachother as we hope to be seen. til then, maybe we can reach around and try to find a hand to hold on to.
i've never got involved in any online forums either, til now. I was looking for ways to do it too, to make it look like an accident. to try and spare everyone the guilt. but im here now instead. Im glad you're here to, well, im not really glad because if you werent here, you wouldn't be suicidal and that would be much better, but you are and that's Ok. we still have a while yet.

i got one for you: ...people writing songs, that voices never shared
no one dared,
disturb the sound of silence.

 

noplacetogo

I understand you. I have the same problem withmy friends. they dont give a crap about you and only want what is best for them. pm me if you want to talk.

 

thankyou blackfire,
I used to blame my friends for not caring about me, but I think now I blame myself. i believed in people too much. i had this idea that caring about others reciprocated. i understand now the philosophy of "every man for himself" and i don't blame anyone for looking out for themselves. we have to, to survive, and maybe that's what most of us here are lacking. we were absent the day they taught it in school.
these days, i expect very little from people, and they always deliver.

 

Simon and Garfunkel

What you did for your mother back then was a beautiful thing and it must have been hard for you to set your mind there and then to wanting to die only to wake up? Some people say suicide is a cowards way out, but it takes someone brave to want to die I think. Not to say it's the right answer
I'm glad you've had somebody to talk to now and it might be getting a little clearer. Defeating depressive thoughts is a bit like revising for me, break it all down into bitesize chunks, and sort each bit out individually if possible.
It's good your giving yourself just a little time to see things through and you've encouraged me to re-evaluate my own life and see if I can fix it which i'm very grateful for.

I'm glad i've gotten to speak to you, you seem like a generally good person, it's just a shame you got caught up in this world. The figures I read in the paper say that 1/3 people will suffer from a mental illness over their lives. I could stake a bet and say it's a lot more or will be a lot more.

I've not told anyone about my depression yet save a friend who I told when I was drunk years ago but promised him to keep it secret. I must have been 13 when the whole thing started, but I didnt get depressed till nearly 14, and even then it wasn't really bad. It's just that every time I got a depression 'attack' or 'bout' it got worse.
I'm wondering when the next one will hit me now because I know it's going to do me in if it gets any stronger.

As for the static, in order for it to clear were going to need humanity to change. More sentiment is needed and sincerity. It's always been the person with the biggest mouth that gets heard and yet even the smallest subtlest voice can carry the grandest big solution <(NOFX - The Idiots are taking over). I spose democracy is a way of letting everyone be heard, but it needs a lot of work.

One last thing, there are a lot of really good caring people on this site so talk to everyone you can, get different points of view.
And there's a section called the Uncertainty Principle where people go to ask all sorts of questions and some of them bring up really interesting topics, like "why do most helpers always need help?" always good to take a look.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
Beneath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp

 

to h2osmack,
thank you for being so kind and considerate, and for sharing with me things of yourself, those are always my favorite parts. I appreciate it deeply. I pray you find what you're looking for. i pray we all do. There is so much more to know and so much more to say, but, i'm spiraling right now, so i have to go. thanks sincerely.

have you ever heard of the singer songwriter, Jose Gonzales/ album: Veneer? you might like it. or not.

 

to h20smack,
im so sorry for the last post, and how it sounded like i was saying goodbye. i fell into a hole. i will be completely honest with you, the last post was my paranoia emerging.
(this is going to scare you, i'm sure of it, but i got nothing to lose now) I was feeling like you were trying to tell me to not become too dependent on you...

i know, i'm crazy. i read into like you wanted to get rid of me so i bailed out so i wouldn't make you uncomfortable. this is me. i am nuts. am I?
im so sorry. i don't want to leave this place, i know there are a lot of great caring people on here and i dont want you to think i dont want to talk to you anymore. i care about you a lot and i came back here because i got worried that i hurt you. please shoot me a post or PM me to let me know you're ok or to tell me what a freak i am (honestly, you can tell me what a freak i am). even a short one just to say hi. im really sorry i brought my paranoia into this. I know you were only trying to help me. i know you care. i am crazy. please don't hold it against me.
and if on the slight chance that i'm not being paranoid, please PM me and tell me why you want me to leave you alone.
you have no idea how stupid i feel right now.

 

OMG i'm sorry, i've not been on in days. I don't mind in the slightest if you just wanna talk to me, i'm just glad we got to talk. You've always got a friend here, my other post was just saying that you can talk to others as well and make even more friends. I definitly dont wanna get rid of you and i'de be gutted if you stopped coming on the site to talk.
I get paranoid myself, i've got a thing where I feel everyone is always looking at me in public places so I know how horrible you must have felt, but I can tell you now your a good person and I wouldnt want to see you spiral into an abyss.
keep posting!

 

it has gotten to the point where i fend for myself. i have a very hard time trusting others....even people i am close to. i just take care of myself and watch my back. i have a hard time opening up to others. it is just how i am.

 

im so sorry h20smack. i didn't mean to sound like such a freak. thankyou for writing back. i feel so silly now. i didn't mean to sound like a stalker either. you are a kind person and i know you like to help people. My logic knew you were only trying to tell me to seek help from others as well; i just couldn't help myself. thank you for being so understanding.
I want to ask you a question and you can answer it whenever you have time (or not answer it, it'll be OK), I wont get paranoid this time. Do you know what triggers your bouts of depression?

and about the comment about suicide being 'a cowards way out' and 'it takes someone brave to want to die', i am a coward. i've always been afraid of what people might think of me. i always fear that i will fail at everything i try to do. i fear that i am losing my mind. i fear that my cowardice is proof that i don't deserve to live. the act of actually destroying life may take bravery to accomplish, but in order to be brave, we have to overcome cowardice; the cowardice that made us all suicidal in the first place.

 

Hey buddy!
There's lots of different types of cowardice. I mean, you can get some really strong rough and ready guy (i'm steriotyping here sorry) who's top notch with the ladies, but theyre scared of showing their feelings. I'm like you, i really get quite scared about what people think of me, i get scared when i go to the pub to get a drink or if i have to say hello to someone ive never met, because i dont want to make a fool of myself or say something idiotic or come across as being weird.
I don't really know how to make it stop either, it's to do with apathy i think, that not caring what people think thing, but i dont have any lol.
And bravery isnt always all that clever either, i mean, it might be brave to overcome your fear of wasps by putting a nest on your head, but it's still bloody foolish.
And you didnt sound like a freak at all, I can understand you because youve had no one to really talk to and you dont want to lose that. You dont deserve to die either, you deserve happiness like everyone else.

As for these bouts, I really do have a hard time getting the courage up to telling anyone. It's embarrasing.

 

h20smack,
so it's established then, we're both cowards...LOL. and putting a wasp's nest over your head sounds interesting. I dont think anyone would suspect suicide in that case, just insanity.
it's funny how we feel like we have nothing to live for, yet we still fear what people may think of us. what's that Dylan line...- "when you aint got nothing, you aint got nothing to lose." it's a total contradiction! is it so bad that strangers might find us wierd or idiotic?? (Paranoid self saying yes) or people we know might shun us for being sad?? (yes! god yes!!!) its all so silly but we keep doing it to ourselves don't we, lol. i don't even go to the pub 'cause i fear i might order the wrong kind of beer, and everyone would start laughing. (i actually did that once when i walked into a brewery and ordered a bottled beer, thank god it was only noon and the place was still dead, or i'd be dead now)
h2osmack, thanks for making me feel like i'm not a freak.

about the bouts of depression, you don't have to tell me, but don't be embarrassed. i can assure you the things that depress me are quite embarassing myself. (in fact, they're so embarassing its almost laughable, except if anyone laughed i'd probably shoot myself) pretend like you have nothing to lose and i promise, all embarassment will fly out the window. that's how i was able to tell you my paranoid reactions. I never would tell anyone anything like that. I would've just stopped writing, but this is freedom. we are free here to express ourselves liberally because its our final hour. we have nothing to lose, and here, we are anonymous. (there should be a quote here about anonymity but i dont have one) Don't worry, im not trying to pressure you into saying it out loud if you're not ready. I just want to let you know that you can when you are. you can PM me if you want also. i want to be here for you.

 

blackfire,
i have become that way too, but i know you probably don't want to be that way, because i know i don't, i just can't seem to find anyone sympathetic enough to hear me or even love me. it seems too many people have let you down. i am truly sorry because i know how it feels. i think we have made friends with the wrong kinds of people, or we're the kind of people who let others use us for thier own gain. i know you have a hard time opening up but may i ask you something personal...? do you love your friends? (you can PM me if you want)

 

Hehehe, yes we are. It is an interesting thing though, about us still caring what others think when were on the brink of death. I've always had dreams where one day I completely snapped and became a severe reverse of what I am now, and I didn't care what anyone thought.
To be honest I prefer myself now, but I think we should both aim to become a little more calmer around people. I'm ok going to the pub now (the same pub that is), but if someone even suggests we go to a new place I get this real fear inside of me, like something bad is going to happen.

I think the whole "why we care" subject is to do with lonliness. If people think your weird then they ignore you or leave you alone, we want to make friends not get even more lonely.
One thing though that I find works well is making people laugh. If you can just tell a harmless joke or a witty one liner in the right place at the right time.

Well i've sorta got physical problems with myself. The sorta problems that are very embarrasing for a boy to go through. But the main thing is your gonna think me stupid becuase i've always had the chance to sort it all out I think, but the longer I left it just wishing it would go away on it's own, the more scared I was of going to a doctor, and the worse everything got.