I didn't know you, but I'm sorry!

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Juliet, Sep 5, 2009.

  1. Juliet

    Juliet Member

    Sam,


    I'm so sorry you had to go the way you did. I can't imagine anything more horrific than going through that. You were obviously in so much pain and turmoil that it seemed the only way. But why that way??? Im so so sorry you felt you were alone. But Sam you were so loved. The amount of pictures of you and your friends having seemingly an amazing time together and the comments left on your social networking site created an image of a super up-beat, funny, kind, caring, much loved and beautiful young lad. I only wish I had known you. Then maybe I could be justified for feeling so desolate.
    Im so sorry you had everyone fooled in to thinking you were fine. I know you had a terrible time with your medical condition and Im sorry that you didn't feel there was enough support for you. Sam you were so loved.
    All I think about was your pain and your descision and how you were feeling at the time. You must have had time to plan it and I'm sorry you just couldnt give anyone an inclination to your thoughts that would lead them to be even a little concerned. You were too happy for them to realise Sam.
    I feel the grief through your brother. I know it seemed you were both indifferent but he loved you to. I'm sorry his flippant comments to your health may have hurt but dont you often hurt the ones you love most without knowing? Scott feels terrible guilt he wasn't there for you, but your twin brother Sam???? Charlie has lost his other half, litterally. He will see you everyday in the mirror and feel the grief on your birthday. I'm so sorry that even Charlie, with whom you did EVERYTHING with, couldnt pick up that you werent well.
    But most of all I'm so sorry that only your death has highlighted to me just how dreadfull and painfull people can feel enough to go through with that. I wish I could help. I have had similar thoughts at rough times but I was lucky enough to push past it.
    I saw your note Sam, that you left Scott. I will never know how to deal with it and Im sorry I feel so helpless to Scotts pain. I cant understand it so therefore I cant help him. I dont know what to do or say. I'm not allowed to share the grieving process because I didn't know you and I cant reminise with Scott about happier times about you. I can't share anything with the full understanding of it. I just have to sit and watch this pain and being powerless. And then theres guilt of moving on without Scott. I don't know where I supposed to be or what to feel.
    I have dreamt of you Sam. I wish I knew what it meant but I saw you there.
    I wish I could say I miss you, I know you were very special and I'm sad I never even met you. I can't even relate to an experience of seeing you or talking to you, I cant see your true character. Yet I see you everywhere now, but knowing that it isnt you makes me miss you.
    Again Sam I'm so sorry. Im sorry for feeling like this as it has nothing to do with me. I wish I had the strength to be there for your brother and help him.
    I hope that you are at peace. I hope you arent suffering and I pray that you are with your friends and family in spirit. Please look after them.
    Much love, Juliet xxxx
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I just read your letter and was very touched by it. It sounds as if you were close to the situation and to Sam in many many ways as your sense of lose really shows through.
    If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to write to me.
    I hope that you continue to write about this as you have a beautiful talent for putting your emotions into words and are thus able to say what many feel but can not.
    Hugs Bambi
     
  3. Juliet

    Juliet Member

    Thank you Bambi,

    I appreciate that. Thats part of my problem to. The fact that I can only get out what I mean by writing and not face to face. It would help Scott more if I could find the strength to talk to him but I just cant. And consequently I'm separated more and more from the situation than I want to be.
    Its nice to hear someone understands how I'm feeling. My friends and family who dont know Scott cant understand why I feel so hurt. I just feel a huge sense of dissapointment. That life can fail people so dramatically they want to kill themselves, no matter how much they're loved. I just can't believe the turmoil and the planning that must have gone through Sam's head. I'm sure I think about it too much. Maybe now I've found an outlet and people to talk to about it I can start making sense of my own feelings.