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I didn't mean to waste your time, so I'll fall back in line

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Hello there! It feels a bit strange to be posting here, interacting on a site like this. As far as I can tell, I really am not suffering from any mental issues other then some strange backwards thoughts. Actually, it's the way I'm handling myself and my reactions towards my thoughts is what concerns me.

A little background first. I do like to consider myself well adjusted, calm, and collected. I don't act like to act rashly, don't like conflict, and don't like to cause a fuss. But, according to my SO, I'm extremely difficult to "crack" and come to terms with any emotional problems that happen to cross my way. I have a tendency to force myself to "keep calm, carry on", not allowing myself to feel like I'm taking myself seriously, bottling up feelings. I was abused sexually by my grandfather, but it's not really something that bothers me much anymore unless I'm forced to see him at family functions, which is rare. It happened, but I don't think it's really a big factor in why I've joined. My mother, however, is another story. She's many things I loath in a person, and I just realised that I've tried so hard to be nothing like her that it's had a bad impact on my mental health. She's depressed. She cries over everything. She's brutally passive aggressive. Her feelings are worn on her sleeve, unlike the other people in the house. When I was about five or six (I'm almost twenty now), she was in an extremely bad mental state. Long story short, she thought it was a swell idea to feed me poison an attempted to commit suicide with me along for the ride. I didn't start holding it against her until a few years back. So for a few years, I've molded myself into the opposite. I keep my negitive things to myself, constantly tell myself to suck it up, don't complain, and I think I have gotten good at it. Sort of >>.

I'll save the actual events and details of why my mind has been obsessing over suicide in the other forum so I don't have to repeat myself, but the way I'm thinking about offing has got me slightly concerned. While I think I can burst into tears and start grieving, I'm holding back. If I am forced to face embarrassing truths next month, be punished and stressed for being a reliable person and picking up slack for those who are not at work, being exposed as being gay to my family, ruin the trust of the one I love most dearly over something she imagined for the fourth time and take the stinging words over and over once more, shatter my plans for the future with my loved one, and deal with my ever expanding body....well, I'd rather not XD. And as of right now, my thoughts of suicide are not overwhelming darkness or emotion, but almost too logical and the seriousness and almost detached way the thoughts and plans are popping in my head. I guess a tiny part of my is thinking this is a bad idea (or else I wouldn't be posting here), and I am holding out in the off chance she realises she jumped the gun on me again and our plans (which I poured my heart and soul and a lot of money into) are not totally ruined. But if it isn't.....well I absolutely loathe dealing with things that are so big they are impossible not to upset me :c. I get tiny glimpses every once in a while when I let my guard down of the pain (it's so hard to describe) of feeling negative emotions, and I hate it. It's scary and gets me literally sick to my stomach, and I feel so guilty for not being strong and "emo" and taking it like a man that it sets me off. It doesn't happen often, and I'll be damned if I want it to happen again, so I suppose that's why I see suicide for the time being as far better then being exposed.

DERP, I know it sounds silly compared to others, and if I did follow through with my plan people in my life will be utterly confused as to why I did it. I'm not openly depressed, and I'm not even sure I'm internally depressed. But then, a healthy person wouldn't feel so intent on buying xxxxxxxxxx right >>?
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Staff Alumni
I have had some of these issues myself...I was in such extraordinary pain and my coping mechanisms could not take it at all...I think many people contemplate extreme actions in this state...is there someone who you can talk to, a therapist or doctor to see what care is available to you? Also, did someone 'out you'? That, in itself, is so stressful and, depending upon how others respond, so painful...please PM me if I can be there for you...J


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Welcome to the forums..I don't have anything to say because I just woke up.. My mind isn't working yet.. I just want you to know I read your thread and I think therapy would help you quite abit..
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