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I do but dont want help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AthenaSyphier, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. AthenaSyphier

    AthenaSyphier Active Member

    .....So....I am not one to ask for help, and typing this is hard.

    Ever since I was 14 I cut...then I hit 17 I slowly but surly stopped.

    Now...after almost 2 twos of being...."sober" I have the worse NEED to do it again.

    My parents split...my dad moved out, thinking me and my mom was gonna follow. My mom decided to split...and so we didnt.

    My bro (we will call him John) has been the biggest asshole to me my whole life and today I had to ride with him to go see dad after 4-5 months. And for once we never fought, nor argued...we actually talked...like siblings...like adults. And as much as it makes me happy it also makes me think it was for a show for my dad.

    My other bro (Karl) told me I am emo and that I think of nothing but myself when I try hard to NEVER tell anyone how I feel cause I am stubborn.

    My mom is changing into something I do not like.

    I am deeply in love with my ex (of 3-4 years ago) and he is living with his ex at the time. I am being called a bitch by his ex's friends, and yet she comes to be saying I am talking smack about her...which I am not. I have been nothing but nice to her. But he is living with his ex because my mom wont allow him to move in. And if this would have happened 2 years ago she would have gladly agreed. But Now I feel his ex's family is rubbing it in my face that he can not be with me. And it hurts so bad...what the fuck did I do to deserve this!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

    My best friend's life is pretty fucked and yet all I can think about right now is my feelings. IS THAT FUCKING WRONG OF ME!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!

    And now....after 2 years...I hold a razor in my hand...
  2. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry things are tough for you AthenaSyphier and glad that you have reached out. I can relate to hard to let someone know how it is for you, people on SF are here to listen. I don't have anything wise to say but i have heard what you are going through. life can be tough, you're strong to have survive this long
  3. LunaCerdiwan

    LunaCerdiwan Active Member

    Sweetie I know exactly what you are going through. Let's just say I have a first hand view as to what is bothering you.

    1.) You have been stopping cutting and that is a great things. That's all that people can ask it really is and as much as it is frowned on you don't do it to kill.....I would hope......so therefore it's not as bad as people may think it is.

    2.) "Drinking" really isn't that horrible and if you "drink" a little here and there that is fine just don't become and "ALCOHOLIC". That is the one thing that you and the people around you don't need. But every once in a while people need a little something to calm them down, cool them off, and clear their minds. Take me for example, I won't "drink" anymore but I WILL have some nice SUGAR to get my mind off or things.

    3.) I know it is hard without your dad this year but there are people there for you. They will NEVER fill that spot of your father but they are there. I'm not putting my problems out there for you but I think about my father everytime around this year and around my birthday and wonder if he remembers me, or ever thinks about me. So, yes I know it is hard but it will get easier as time passes. As it stands though talk to the people around you about it. Get hug, listen to how much they love, and hold on to that to make you happy.

    4.) Yes, "John" was a jerk, and yes it was probably just a show for your father but alas you have to move past that and just enjoy the fact that he isn't being a jerk anymore. Yes, it will take some getting used to but EVERY change does. Just think of it as another person that you know that loves you.

    5.) "Karl" is being a jerk now. He is just saying how he really is. He wouldn't have said stupid things to you like that unless he ment if about himself and just doesn't want to admit it. He is being a jerk. Block him out. Take your loses and count your wins. You have your friends, your boyfriend, and now "John".

    6.) Yeah, well about that. Change is inevitable. The fact that it is a bad change really sucks but all you can hope for is that she wakes up and smells the roses. If not, just move past it, maybe confront her about it if you can, if not don't. If she loves you she will eventually realize how much she is hurting you and change. I know that my seem impossible but stranger things have happened. And if it doesn't happen, again I say. Take your loses and count your wins. You have your friends, your boyfriend, and now "John".

    7.) You DID NOTHING. People are immature and selfish. She wants him back so she will try to succeed in that in any way possible not matter if it means lying, cheating or stealing. Hurting people is pleasure for those kinds of people. You just have to ignore it. You know the truth and if she doesn't want to believe it ALL WELL. People like that aren't worth your time, you know the truth and that's all that matters.

    8.) HELL NO. You are not wrong. That is not wrong at all. If they are your friend, I am SURE they are, they understand completely. They wouldn't want you to put them first. All they probably want if for you to listen to them and give some kind of feed back, even if it is something as small as "Everything will be ok." I'm sure she loves you and you love her and as long as she knows that, that is all she's going to need.

    And Lastly

    9.) Like you said you are stopping, people fall off the wagon all the time as I said before as long as you are not trying to kill yourself and you plan on stopping take your time. I know how it feels. It takes time. You want to pick up that razor, or in my case box knife, and cut yourself. All you have to do is think about the good things. Even if they happened years ago, like acting drunk in a car, or reading a story together, or getting wasted with a friend and funny stuff happened. Just try to fight it and that is all anyone can really ask of you.

    Hope everything gets better sweetie. People DO LOVE YOU!!!! And everything will be ok. Like I said.......Stranger things have happened!!!!!