I do it because i deserve it

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by wienerman, Nov 16, 2006.

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  1. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    yes thats why, i deserve to be punished, and i dont want to hear the lies that i dont deserve it. there must have been a reason why i was bullied for that time, for them to harass me at school, and then come to my house, and do it there, upsetting my family too. i could take the stuff at school, in the end i just didnt care 'do to me what you will' was my attitude, yet why did they have to do that to my family too, they never did anything to you, and its my fault they decided to attack them too :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: .

    i hate myself for so many reasons, the hate they showed me must have been for a reason, im a bad person, dirty god there arent enough words in the dictionary to cover the negativity and disgust i have for myself. i harm to just have a reminder that i am bad, that it is truely deserved. i need to be tortured and as i dont have anyone giving me the abuse both physical and mental i need to do it myself, but i do it properly, the pain cleanses me, sounds wrong but thats how i feel. i broke my promise to myself to stop, but i always do that, another sign of how much of a failure i am.

    it is no surprise to me that no one really cares for me, for the type of person i am. my counselour told me that all this stuff in my head is poison from the bullying, but i dont know. all i know is that my friends if they can be called that said they have noticed a difference this uni year (started in october) i am not the happy person i was last year, i have changed. not surprising when the last time we went out i just sat in silence and looked at the light fixtures of the bar we were in. even my housemate said i need to sort out my mood swings, which i totaly understand. i have been on and off my meds recently, by my own fault.

    i really am at a loss really, i care for the people here, and i wont lie, some certain people have made me a happy person. yet its a shame that the sadness it has brought me far outweighs the happiness. again certain people have hurt me so much, i doubt they can contemplate the hurt and worry i have been through, what i am sure of though is that they dont care they have done it. imagine someone saying something or doing something that makes you worry so much that you end up making yourself physically sick and unable to do anything for the rest of the day, you cant catch your breath, and when you do it is uneven, so is your heartbeat, and you feel like you have been stabbed in the chest. yes thats how i have felt on some occations, but dont care for me, i dont deserve it, i deserve the pain and hurt, i guess it is another way for me to hurt myself.

    speaking of that i thought maybe doing charity work would be good for me, and help 'atone my sins' and i applied to help a cause that is close to my heart, but again i let myself down, and am too scared to phone up and arrange a meeting. i am so pathetic argh, i cant even bring myself to end things, i have sooo many oportunites every day, and yet the thought of doing it is all i need, the ultimate escape. i dont know what stops me anymore, i really dont. ugh its pathetic, i am scared to go around my own town because i may bump into the bullies, and yet i want to see them to get vengance, i had so many opportunites to beat them into a pulp, yet i restrained myself, thinking it only brings me down to thier level, and that the school said if i did anything i would get thrown out forever. whatever, things are spiralling out of control i dont know what to do anymore.

    oh yea in case you didnt get the point of this post, i just cut and feel bad, now all i have to do is wait about 2 hours before this gets hidden in the load of posts, at least then i can say at least i said something. :sad: :sad:

    im sorry
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm sorry you are having a hard time here. to be honest with you i don't believe that when shit happens to us it's because we deserve it, because we don't. we deserve to be respected and loved and unfortunately we don't see that enough in many cases. sometimes it might be the only way to make sense of bad things happening is to say that we deserve it. the truth of the matter is it has nothing to do with it. shit just happens.

    i wish i could say what could help as far as encountering bullies. i am dealing with the same thing right now. not as far as myself is concerned but as far as my son is concerned. it tears me up to watch him go through it but believe me i will get to the bottom of it and it will stop. why? he deserves it no more than u do. he deserves to be respected and so do you.

    i hope for the best for you. just write any time you feel you need to or just want to guy. i'll do my best to support you however i can. also know this...
    it doesn't last forever. please take care and please try not to cut anymore it won't help make things any better.
  3. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    im sorry i dont have much to say that will help right now. i just wanted you to know that someone was listening...not that that will probably help. i'm sure this probably won't help either but i also..do it..because i deserve it though for different reasons..i dunno how thats supposed to help. sorry this is probably the worlds most useless post. anyway :hug: . sorry for not being much help.
  4. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    oh god..just to point out i didnt mean you deserve it. you dont. im sorry.
  5. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    thank you for your replies, it means a lot
  6. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    Bullies bully to make themselves feel better. It's their form of self therapy.......except they choose a shitty way of doing it where it hurts other people. they fuck with your brain an d manipulate you into thinking its your fault but it isn't. where is blaming yourself for stuff gonna get you? nowhere....just say fuck em and live your life for you.
  7. me_

    me_ Guest

    :sad: I didn't know you were bullied. I feel kindof sad now to know that ...
    You most definitely don't deserve any punishment at all, I think your councelor is right, maybe the bullies are to blame for seeing yourself in a wrong way. Or maybe it's something else, but it's clear that you see yourself totally different than you really are. I honestly think you are an exceptionally good hearted person, you have a really nice character, and it seems absurd to me that you feel like you deserve punishment. If you do, then who doesn't? And the fact that you consume yourself so much over other people also shows just what a good and caring person you are.
    I am very sorry to hear that you cut ...
    I am sorry, I didn't have anything useful to say, I just felt like replying.
  8. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    the only logical explination i can think of them bullying me is because i had bad dandruff, which was caused by stress, hence a circle i had no way of getting out of. oh and once they got bored of that i started getting good grades, and the more they made fun of that, the better grades i got, i went from a c/d student to pretty much straight a*'s which i guess they didnt like. its amazing how i have lots of stress with uni, but no one making fun of me and my danruff suddenly went. but i guess something positive came out of it in the end. :dry:

    Anyway yesterday i had probably the worst day ever, i woke up and went on my computer and got my heart totaly smashed into pieces over msn. i mean every guy has their pride but it hurts when someone who said they love you and only you, suddenly says they are confused and love 2 other women. talk about denting pride. :sad: :sad: :sad: i can accept confused feelings but no matter what it hurt bad, especially knowing that a proposal of marrage was made, to one of the other parties, before i knew the truth. :cry:

    lets just say that set the mood for the day, i was then late for a project meeting because i got the time mixed up, hence they were angry. i also had trouble doing some work which got me worried, this with the heartbreak meant that i couldnt concentrate in my lecture later on in the day. then i slipped on some stairs and fell over and no one around cared i was ignored. then there were closures on the trains so i had to go a long way round, and wait for a bus in the rain. then whilst on the bus we had some rasta telling everyone about god and how sinning will send you to hell :dry: yea thanks i was in the mood to hear that. and once i got off the bus it was raining, but this time it was like a monsoon, and at that point i snapped, i gave up i was already wet and upset and angry, i thought i may aswell just walk rather than run needless to say i got soaked and i ended up just taking them all off and getting into bed, thats how low i felt. :sad:

    pathetic isnt it, but it seem like everyone and everything is against me at the moment.
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun its not pathetic and your not pathetic!

    My honest opinion is that you don't deserve this, not one bit. Your such a great, honesty and lovely guy, my list could go on and on. Its true about the bullies leaving poison in your head. 100% true they were out to ruin your life, and to a extent they have, they made you feel like this, like you deserve to feel like this when you don't! its a knock on affect from what they did.

    I care for you alot, and you know i do. I you know i would never lie to you.

    Im sorry you had such a bad today yesterday, i completely understand why tho. Must of hurt, i know how much you cared and still care for the person. Give it time, it will work out in time :hug:

    Sending you big hugs


    Ps. i got caught in the bloody rain aswell :mad: the streets turned into a mini river where i live! :eek:hmy: i got bloody soaked aswell :dry: :mad:
  10. Lucie

    Lucie Well-Known Member

    I agree with everything Vicci said ^^

    Please don't think you deserve it, you are such a lovely caring person and hell DON'T deserve it. Stay strong hun. *massive hugs*
  11. I do it because i deserve it

    look at that thought


    see an i problem fix it, maybe it is just that we need to get out of self

    and deserve it
    is just a selfish attitude again all about self...
  12. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    how is that meant to help anyone? effectively you have only said i am a selfish person.

    ok i will add that to my list of general character flaws, thanks
  13. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    What a load of crap, you don't know him at all, i do. And he does not deserve any of this at all. What he decides to post is down to him, why bother making stupid remarks like that.
  14. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    :hug: vikki
  15. me_

    me_ Guest

    Oh give us all a break Mr./Mrs./Ms. my life, my soul, my mind, my goal. :rolleyes:

    No don't do that! :hug:
    You are so far from being selfish, you KNOW that!
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2006
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