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I do not know how to continue

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Riddle_me_this, Sep 27, 2014.

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  1. Riddle_me_this

    Riddle_me_this New Member

    So I'm resorting to online forums because our country's suicide hotline wasn't available at 4PM, 8PM and 3AM over 3 consecutive days.

    My story.

    I come from a middle-income family with hard working parents. They treat me and my sister right. They are really loving parents. Everything went alright till I got into college. My first year I failed a lot and decided to change towards something different, something a bit easier. However in doing so, I lost all of my friends from high school and that first year in university.So I started over. This time in a university which is more to my skill. Made a lot of friends and really blossomed there. However my academic points were still lacking.
    I think I do know why I did poorly in school though. It's definitely not the lack of wits or being able to comprehend the subjects. This may sound a bit cocky but I graduated from a high school as an honour student with straight A's. (This is my countries comparison to American system). Yet I think that I was just tired of studying and more focused towards real life education (hence learning on the job in societies). Whenever the time came to really study hard, I became a serious procrastinator. Even when studying it would not seep in. Our tutors aren't really the type to talk to because they have 600+ students in every lesson. So I ended up with a lot of failed classes, which I lied about. I have kept on lying about grades for the last 2 years and it finally caught up with me.

    I just heard the news that I am forbidden to return for another year at that university. I am not allowed to return to the faculty unless I get a degree somewhere else (minimum 3 years). Then I could try some special program.
    I have taking different positions in clubs (Student council, AIESEC and others) in which people depend on me. However I am not allowed to return. This + the fact that a lot of people will shun me and make my life miserable again, give me a hopeless feeling.
    I am fortune for having such great relatives and friends yet I let all the different options slip out from under me.

    I would have committed suicide already if it wasn't for the pain that it causes to the people around me. They have no right to be the bearers of it. However my internal suffering is too big for me to handle and will eventually catch up with the consideration towards them.

    I don't have anyone I can really talk to in real life. Part of it is a macho guy thing of not talking about your problems but the truth is I have been lying to everyone I know for 2 years straight about my grades...
    It sucks that this just fell on me when I was head of a youth society and member in 3 other organisations.

    I just don't know what to do, how to continue...
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Please remain calm and most important DO NOT ANYTHING TO HARM YOURSELF. At the moment you are feeling low but those who care will be understanding to you. You need to tell the family what has happen as they will support you. You seem a very social chap and you use those skills to get yourself a job. Perhaps doing voluntary work will help you and keep you focused.

    You are young and yet to experience life. Life is important and you must remember that. Keep yourself busy and stop over-thinking the situation as it causes you more turmoil. Keep posting here for support from others who understand what you are going through.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2014
  3. Riddle_me_this

    Riddle_me_this New Member

    Thanks for your answer.

    But who will understand me?
    - My mother always says that I'm old enough to make my own decisions in life. So she would react that I have brought it on myself, which is true, and it is my mess to get out of
    - My entire family thinks I'm doing pretty well. How will they react to the lie?
    - My friends think I'm doing pretty well. They regularly talk about people failing classes as if they aren't good enough or not worthy enough. So am I a part of that subdivision
    - The societies I work in will fall flat on their belly. In one of the societies I'm the "big chief" so if he suddenly goes, who will take over? They won't be happy either.

    Finally, on a job market that's this competitive. Why would they hire an uneducated fellow for a nice job?
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