I do not know what to do. Ultimately I want to live but I do not see why. I am about to lose everything I have and life will never be the same. my story About 5 years ago I took a job in the middle east. The job dramatically changed my life. I was doing things I would have never done before. I started drinking and doing drugs. I have never done any drugs prior to taking this job and drank very seldom. For a two week time I was downloading and looking at underage porn. I know you are thinking negatively about me right now and so do I. I am not a pedophile, I have never hurt or even thought about hurting another person. I could not tell you why I was downloading underage porn for two weeks. The only explanation I could come up with is that I wanted to see if I could. I went on vacation 3 weeks later and met a beautiful girl, 2 years younger than me. I was 26 at the time. She started to change my life as soon as I met her. I knew when I got back to the middle east that I needed to get out of there or it was going to destroy me. I ended up getting new job 8 months later. I had to go back to the USA to do some training. While I was in the middle east my computer broke and I wanted to see if I could get my screenshot folder off the hard drive. It contain pictures of my vacation with my girlfriend. I forgot about downloading the underage pictures and I never deleted them. Those pictures were found on my computer and sent to the police. I called the detective that took my computer and he informed me that he is going to send it to the DA and they might put out for a arrest warrant. After getting the bad news that I might get arrested for child pornography it was devastating to me. It ended up changing my life to the better. I did not take anything from the gain assault and I did change my life. I have never looked at child pornography since those two weeks stated above and I also have quit smoking marijuana. It has been three years and I have not heard a thing about having a warrant. My parents have not had any knocks on the door looking for me or anything. I ended up leaving my new job I took two years ago to move in with my Fiancé. I went to the embassy yesterday to get a notary that I am single and allowed to marry in this country and I also needed additional pages in my passport. They notarized my notary to get married, but I was unable to get additional pages for my passport. It only takes 1 hour to complete and other people got there's. I asked them when it would be done and they could not give me a answer and asked me many question on where I am staying. The only reason would be that I have a arrest warrant back in the USA for the previous stated things. I am completely devastated. I do not want to lose my girlfriend, she is my soul mate and we are perfect together. But there is absolutely no way I would ever get to see her again. I will be a felon and a convicted sex offender, I will also be blacklisted from this country. Which is not going to do me any help being it is a well known place for pedophiles. I know you might think me of such a person but I know who I am and I am not a pedophile. Truly believe in integrity and i will pleade guilty for what i have done if it gets that far. I honestly do not see any purpose in living anymore.