I do not know what to do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Belak, Dec 3, 2010.

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  1. Belak

    Belak Member

    I do not know what to do. Ultimately I want to live but I do not see why. I am about to lose everything I have and life will never be the same.
    my story

    About 5 years ago I took a job in the middle east. The job dramatically changed my life. I was doing things I would have never done before. I started drinking and doing drugs. I have never done any drugs prior to taking this job and drank very seldom. For a two week time I was downloading and looking at underage porn. I know you are thinking negatively about me right now and so do I. I am not a pedophile, I have never hurt or even thought about hurting another person. I could not tell you why I was downloading underage porn for two weeks. The only explanation I could come up with is that I wanted to see if I could.

    I went on vacation 3 weeks later and met a beautiful girl, 2 years younger than me. I was 26 at the time. She started to change my life as soon as I met her. I knew when I got back to the middle east that I needed to get out of there or it was going to destroy me. I ended up getting new job 8 months later. I had to go back to the USA to do some training. While I was in the middle east my computer broke and I wanted to see if I could get my screenshot folder off the hard drive. It contain pictures of my vacation with my girlfriend. I forgot about downloading the underage pictures and I never deleted them. Those pictures were found on my computer and sent to the police. I called the detective that took my computer and he informed me that he is going to send it to the DA and they might put out for a arrest warrant.

    After getting the bad news that I might get arrested for child pornography it was devastating to me. It ended up changing my life to the better. I did not take anything from the gain assault and I did change my life. I have never looked at child pornography since those two weeks stated above and I also have quit smoking marijuana.

    It has been three years and I have not heard a thing about having a warrant. My parents have not had any knocks on the door looking for me or anything. I ended up leaving my new job I took two years ago to move in with my Fiancé. I went to the embassy yesterday to get a notary that I am single and allowed to marry in this country and I also needed additional pages in my passport.

    They notarized my notary to get married, but I was unable to get additional pages for my passport. It only takes 1 hour to complete and other people got there's. I asked them when it would be done and they could not give me a answer and asked me many question on where I am staying. The only reason would be that I have a arrest warrant back in the USA for the previous stated things.

    I am completely devastated. I do not want to lose my girlfriend, she is my soul mate and we are perfect together. But there is absolutely no way I would ever get to see her again. I will be a felon and a convicted sex offender, I will also be blacklisted from this country. Which is not going to do me any help being it is a well known place for pedophiles. I know you might think me of such a person but I know who I am and I am not a pedophile. Truly believe in integrity and i will pleade guilty for what i have done if it gets that far.

    I honestly do not see any purpose in living anymore.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    wow that's rough. i think you are right, you may have a warrant out for you. they are very strict about these things, as they should be. even though you did not have bad intentions what you did was against the law. can you explain it to your girlfriend as you explained it to us? that it was a mistake, one that you never repeated except for that two week period. you shouldn't do anything rash. you don't know what will happen before the judge. wait and see. perhaps he will be lenient, esp. since you don't have a history of abusing children.

    sad to say you have to face the consequences of what you did. you didn't mean anything bad but you did break the law. i think you should start by having an honest talk with your girlfriend. let her support you through this.
  3. Belak

    Belak Member

    Thanks for the reply Dazzle. From the research i have done it is 5 year minimum sentence for having 1 picture. There are no deals.

    My girlfriend knows there is something wrong with me, but i have not told her yet. I do not want her to worry about me.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think you should tell her. she'd be devastated if you hurt yourself. give her a chance to support you. if you explain it to her, like you explained it to us i'm sure she'd understand. after all she loves you.

    we've only just met and i believe you. and i have a very good bullshit detector. plus i was abused by a pedophile in real life (age 6) so i'm very sensitive about this topic.

    i believe you and hope you can reach out for support. you are going to need it.
  5. Belak

    Belak Member

    I know she will support me and believe me. I will tell her by the end of the week. I want to make sure she is okay, i will be transfering all my money over to her. I want to make sure she has a decent life and not to wait for me.
  6. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    If it's been 3 years you probably don't have to worry about it...
  7. Belak

    Belak Member

    I do not think the DA cares if it was 1 week ago or 3 years. Its all the same to them.
  8. Belak

    Belak Member

    I am so depressed i can not sleep or eat. I lay down all day doing nothing. I have no energy to go outside. I feel like the only option i have is to jump off my balcony or live a life of misery and hell.
  9. dirtybirdy

    dirtybirdy Member

    what you did is wrong, you know that
    it would be worrying if you thought it was okay, you don't
    you're not attracted to children and do not wish to abuse them
    maybe its worth speaking to a psychiatrist about how you are feeling? They will not judge you, they will have worked with far worse and can help you trough this,
    its important you have a 3rd party view right now
  10. Belak

    Belak Member

    i wish i had someone to talk to about my situation, but being in my current location i do not believe they have a english speaking psychiatrist where i am at. My girlfriend knows something is wrong she can always tell. I will be depositing all my money i have today in her account and when she gets off work i will tell her what is going on.
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please don't hurt yourself. your girlfriend would be devastated. let her help. let us know how the conversation goes?
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Belak and welcome to SF. I think that you are trying to get your life in order and you deserve a chance to be happy. You definitely made a mistake by downloading child pornography, but you have expressed regret for your actions and I don't believe that downloading kiddie porn makes one a pedophile. You could have just been curious? Just keep in mind that there are many people here on SF who have been harmed by pedophiles and this is a touchy subject.
  13. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're not the first person who has downloaded stuff like this just to see if they could. Pete Townshend who is the guitarist in The Who, was arrested for this years ago. He was actually doing legitimate research into how easy it was to download child pornography as he was seriously concerned about it and wanted to highlight the issue in the press. Nevertheless because of the law, he was given a police caution and placed on the Sex Offenders register. It's ironic that he did actually manage to highlight the issue right but only because he got arrested for it.
    There was also a university researcher who went through the same thing.
    I should imagine that there's far more people than anyone realises who've done it just out of curiosity.
    However, what you did was wrong. There's no two ways about that. Killing yourself is not the answer though, it just makes you look guilty. How would your Fiancee and family feel about that?
    I would rather have my husband in prison having made a genuine mistake than dead and presumed guilty by everyone who knows us.
    Before you do anything though, you have to tell your partner. Then you can make decisions together.
  14. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I have tried not to respond to this post because I am so angry. So it's ok for this guy to download and save images of child sexual abuse - calling it kiddy porn completly trivialises it - because he was curious!!!!?????? Just because he knows it was wrong does not let him off the hook - most sex offenders know it is wrong. We don't know what stopped him from pursuing this or even if he is telling the truth. How many people on this site have had their lives destroyed by childhood sexual abuse and have to now experience their lines of support acting as apologists for this vileness?
    Shame on you!
  15. pileofgarbage

    pileofgarbage Member

    Indeed, this is the one sin for which no forgiveness is possible on SF. Seems like like SF response to it can only be condemnation.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I agree that it is wrong and illegal to download child pornography, but he recognized that what he did was wrong and he has agreed that he won't do it again. To be fair, he didn't victimize anyone.
  17. Joshuwa

    Joshuwa Well-Known Member

    i think if you're willing to accept consequences of your actions then you deserve a second chance
  18. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Fitzy,
    I can well understand your anger. I felt like that too and it was very difficult to respond.
    It isn't okay to download child pornography. It isn't okay to look at pictures on the web even. In doing so, this man supported the whole industry so whilst it might look on the surface that there's no immediate victim, in reality there are a lot of victims and there will continue to be victims as long as theres a market for it.
    I think this man should go to prison even if he only downloaded the stuff 'out of curiosity'. Curiosity is not a good enough reason to support the abuse, torture and rape of children. I think he deserves five years in prison and I think he should spend five years in prison to show that he's willing to pay the price of his actions. To show remorse and a willingness to acknowledge what he's done. That is my own opinion on the matter.
    What I'm not prepared to do though is ignore someone who is suicidal. I'm certainly not going to encourage suicide. The man who wrote the original post isn't the only person in this scenario though, there's also his partner. I think she deserves to know what's going on which is why I suggested that in my post.
    I'm not an apologist for this vileness. I don't, however, think this man is a paedophile. I think he did something very stupid and very wrong and that he needs to pay the price of that. I think death is too high a price for a moments stupidity. I'd rather see him do the five years in prison.
    You are quite right that we don't know whether he's telling the truth or not. Isn't that true of all of us though? We have to take it on faith that people are being honest, we've no guarantee that they are.
    If he is lying and he is actually a paedophile then I hope he rots in hell. (If I'm allowed to say things like that on this forum) We're never going to know though, are we?
  19. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i agree with catherine and i've had first hand experience with a pedophile. what he did was wrong and i think he acknowledges that. but i still feel compassion for him and his situation. he is asking for help and advice and i have no problem sharing my thoughts with him. i am not excusing his behaviour.
  20. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hello CatherineC and Dazzle
    I've given some thought to your posts and I accept your comments. I judged Belak based on my own "stuff" and allowed my self-righteous anger to get in the way of the reason for sf - to support people who are suicidal. In no way do I want Belak to act on his suicidal impulses and I'm sorry if I gave that imression.
    Belak - if you are still accessing this site - I hope you can accept that I do not wish you to take your life.
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