I Do Not Plan On Surviving...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Paramedic21, Nov 3, 2010.

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  1. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    I have read alot of the threads on here and I see plenty of people have gone the route of overdosing with medications. I can tell you as someone who has reversed those effects many times and saving many people in the field as a medic who tried suicide that Overdosing is not a good way which is why I wont be electing to take that route. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> Things take planning and I am being patient with this. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> is a virtual immediate death. Very unlikely you live from that sort of thing. I told myself if I chose to take my life I will make sure I dont survive the attempt and I dont intend on surviving.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  2. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    What makes you feel like suicide is the only way out?
    Talk about it, please, here. We're here for you.
    :hug:
     
  3. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    Its the only way out a life I really dont want or enjoy for lots of reasons...I have been depressed for years...I do not want to be put on a bunch of medications or hospitalized. I hide my illness pretty much at all costs and there are lots of things going on in my life that obviously arent helping the situation any...this is the best option for me....im just waiting until my mother comes and visits in december...so i can see her one more time....then i have a plan on how to get my hands on a gun....then i need to write my letters....and then its goodbye...sometime in early january im looking at right now..
     
  4. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't think a gunshot wound to the head would be a nice way to go, isn't it possible to die in your sleep ? I plan on dying in ky sleep as I have suffered enough in life , I've heard of people surviving gun shot wounds to the head for weeks or indefinitely,I never thought ODing would be reliable either without some opiates or nembutal which are impossible to get without knowing a vet or doctor, being a paramedics can't you think of a better way ?
     
  5. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    But being on medication or being hospitalized can help you.
    Or try therapy? Less extreme, but there you can get whatever it is off your chest, and make you rethink suicide.
    How will your mother feel when you take your life? She might blame herself.
    I hope these next two months you rethink your decision, because you're worth living :hug:
     
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    if youve been keeping everything locked up, do you think it would make a differance if you opened up. Why hide what you feel, dont you think your important enough to let someone know your hurting?

    I understand about medications, pills were the healer in my family, just not the right ones. So after seeing that for so many years I refused to even try them.

    But now that Im older, sometimes I have to for my own sake and sanity. Not that I take them all the time, its more of year on year off kind of thing.

    What are some of your thoughts on why not try meds or docs?
     
  7. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    The reason I do not want to try meds or doctors is because I have seen many people go that route and it does nothing. Most Doctors that I have seen in my experience are very smart, but lack one very important thing. Empathy. They treat their patients like numbers and make a diagnosis put you on pills and send you on your way. On top of it, my wife's family is extremely nosey. The last thing I want or need is them knowing I have bipolar or some other problem. My wife cant resist but to tell them all of our business so I know she would tell them. My marriage sucks to begin with so she wouldnt respect my wishes any how. All I know is, since I made this choice and began planning I feel much better, I dont feel like a drone thats forced to live life.
     
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You feel better because youve made a decision. You can see an outlet from your pain.

    Im sorry about your marriage, but I dont think that should hold you back from getting the help you need. Why does thier opinion make you decide which way to go in life. They dont pay your bills, or relieve your stress, so why let them decide important things regarding YOUR life. Not your wifes or if you have any kids, yours........ This is your life and only you can decide how your going to live it.

    If you had a heart or some other health issue do you think they would look down on you? Yes some people dont do well on meds, but so many others do. Its all about finding the right kind and dosage for you.
     
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    There is no shame in needing and seeking help when youve lost your way.
     
  10. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    Maybe thats true, that I feel better because I see a way out. The thing is, its really the only way. I know that sounds cliche'd and ridiculous in some ways but its the truth. Taking a look at all the ways to fix whats going on right now...this to me seems to be the best option. All the other options are just going to cause more troubles and more pain and more despair..
     
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    It doesnt have to though, do you think you leaving here unnannouced is not going to cause problems. It will, more than you know and can think of.

    Please dont let others choose what you do in your life, this life is yours. Have you talked to your wife about whats going on? How can you be sure that she would spread the word, and why does that make you feel less of a person. There are many of us that struggle with life, life is not a guarantee to be all nice and sunshine.

    Do you think if you left your marriage that you would feel better?
     
  12. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    Leaving my marriage isnt much of an option. My wife is the type who would make my life a living hell and would want no part of being civil. She has already told me that when we have discussed divorce in the past. Leaving her may help, but my life will be worse off because of the problems she would cause, we have a 4 year old together and believe me she would use her against me anyway she could.

    Just to clarify. No one is making this choice for me and my option to keep my disease away from everyone is more because I have serious doubts that telling people or seeing someone would help. My wife is aware that I have some emotional problems. she does not know that im planning this. She is part of the plan actually, I need her to borrow the gun from her aunt. Which I have already talked with her about and shes on board for doing that after my mom leaves. I told her its so we could go shooting at the range since I have never been. If she did know my plan instead of helping she would turn it into a woe is me and it would be all about her like everything else is. Shes also a horrendous communicator and she really doesnt care to much to begin with..
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i would concentrate on your 4 yr old child and see how your demise would affect that child i was 4 when my father left me still feeling that pain 50 yrs later that is what you want to pass on to your child at 4 we remember don't even think we don't.
     
  14. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    As much as I cannot stand my in-laws they would make sure that the blow was not felt that hard on my daughter. I love my daughter very much. But they would lie good enough to her that she wouldnt know what happened to me. Shes a mama's girl anyhow. She would do fine without me around. She would miss me, but as long as she has her mother and her grandparents she would be fine. Ending my life now would be less of a strain on her than waiting a few years until shes 7 or 8 and then doing it.
     
  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I disagree, growing up without a father is devastating. You have so many things to still teach her.

    And by the way that you speak of your inlaws, Im not sure thats the people I would want to describe me to my children.

    What advice would you give your daughter if she came to you today and told you that she wanted to kill herself?
     
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you have very little insight on how your child willfeel her mother her inlaws will never replace that loss of a father. I agree most doctors do look at their patients as numbers to get through the day. I can tell you there are some doctors some professionals that do have that empathy you say is lacking Took me many years to find them for my twin and now my daughter but there good caring doctors who see and hear and feel you just haven't looked for one.

    There is no way your wife can find out you are being treated for anything if that is what you choose you know your files are confidential.

    Stop all this now and just get some help so you can do what it is you want for you life is way to short to be planning a demise when one is certain at the end anyways for all of us

    get help now enjoy your daughter and let her enjoy her father I have that insight of a child and i can tell you no matter what excuse you use your child will never forget and never let go of the emptiness and sadness inside her. it just won't happen as you say it will.
     
  17. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Good Post Violet, didnt even think of that.
     
  18. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    doityourself, my in laws are good people, they are. Very church going and extremely religious ETC...they just have never liked me. They have always seen me as the guy who took their daughter from them and got her pregnant. But they love my wife and my daughter with all their hearts, which is all thats important to me. I lost my dad when I was 16. So i know how tough it can be, trust me. But honestly, I would have rather lost him earlier in life, around age 3 or 4. losing him devastated me because of how big a part of my life he was.

    I thank you both for your concern, I really do. Violet I know some people take empathy with their patients. I know I do. Every patient I have is important to me. I just dont feel like that universal in the medical field and it should be. Meds and help are not going to be enough...trust me.
     
  19. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Are you a doctor?

    Im glad that you can look at your inlaws and feel good about leaving your wife and daughter in good hands, but why cant they be in your hands, wouldnt that be better? Im sorry that they look down on you, how unfair that you have to deal with that when all you want is to love your family.

    Can I ask what brings these feelings on, did something happen recently to make you feel down? Have you ever tried meds? If not then what if they make all the differance, would you give up that oppurtunity to make yourself happy and at peace? Are you willing to give up seeing your daughter get married, who would walk her down the aisle? Or even graduation?

    Think of all the things that you will be missing out on, giving it to someone else. What if you wife remarries to a man that treats your daughter bad. Please rethink everything. Dont do anything rash, give yourself some time to think about the outcome, not just ending your pain, but the pain your going to cause.
     
  20. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    Doityourself, I am not a doctor Im a Paramedic. I respond to 911 medical calls. Im not a fire fighter or anything like that, I work for a private ambulance service that is contracted to do 911 calls for the city I live in right now in NH. I have been depressed for years, doityourself. I was depressed as a teenager. I never told anyone...then my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. I thought of killing myself many times. But I didnt. I moved from california to NH. Met and married my wife. I have been feeling the depression/ups and downs of my moods taking over my life for the past year. On top of all that, my marriage has gone way down hill. My marriage has SEVERAL issues. I told you the reasons why getting out isnt a good idea.

    My wife has told me she hates me before, she treats me with no love, shows me no affection. She lays around the house all day and does nothing, while I work 50-60 hours per week to pay our bills and I cook and I clean I do pretty much everything while she lays around and is lazy. We cant communicate, she refuses to admit her faults and turns it around on me. But all this isnt the only reason. There are others to. This isnt a knee jerk reaction to my marriage not doing well, its culmination of me growing tired of my low quality of life. My marriage is icing on the cake i guess you could say.

    I have never tried meds and never have been officially diagnosed with a specific illness. I am fairly certain I have bipolar disorder. It runs rampent in my family and I have all the symptoms if it. My moods swing violently and without reason when im in a good mood, i feel like im on top of the world and when im sad like i have been lately I feel like im in the lowest point on the earth.
     
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