I Do Not Plan On Surviving...

[doityourself]

so you see alot of stressful and awful things, which probably adds to your stress level. I know I work in legal and seeing the depressing things that go on is a burden to my health but someone has to do it.

Im also bipolar, was diagnosed as teen. I have more downs than ups so I can understand the aggravating hair pulling pissed off feeling you feel. But if you know the ups then you know how good you can feel. I crave those ups, just never shows up anymore.

Have you sat down and talked to your wife about how you feel? Tell her to get off her ass and help you out. Marriage is a 2 way street it has to go both ways to be successful and happy. It sounds like your putting in all the effort, which is unfair to you.

But whats really unfair is your not even giving yourself the chance to be happy, youve set your mind that nothing is going to change so why even try, as long as you think and brain wash yourself into thinking that then nothing will change, you will be in the same place tomorrow and the day after that.

 

[Paramedic21]

Its funny doityourself, if I have one psychologist its my job. The stress I get from my job surprisingly doesnt add to my mental health issues. It actually takes it away. When I have someone who is really sick, or is dying, I go into a total zone and im completely focused. I forget everything. Its gratifying to help save someones life. Its a great feeling and one that makes me feel good. It's a big reason I work so much. When I am work typically I dont feel awful, I am to focused on what I am doing and what needs to be done.

As far as talking to my wife goes there is no talking to her. she is the queen of excuses. Believe me I have tried. It gets no where. Doit, I have tried to be happy. Its not in the cards for me. I believe that some people are born on this earth that simply dont dig life. You know? Some people just dont get enjoyment out of being on this planet. Some people do, some people are born into rich families or love life with a great passion. To those people I tip my cap and I am happy for them. Im one of the people that living life doesnt really do it for me. It never really has. You know what I mean? The highs are nice for sure, my highs dont last long and the lows are much more frequent.

 

[Paramedic21]

Also im not saying rich people dont have problems or get depressed. I was only using that as an example. I know that mental illness does not discriminate. I did not mean to offend anyone.

 

[total eclipse]

again you know the meds will keep you level you won't have as many lows or highs and again you have not been professionally diagnosed so you don't even know if it is indeed bipolar you have. You know it could be many medical reasons for your mood swings. Have you had a medical lately telling you gp about these mood swings have you had thyroid tested sugar levels done hormone levels tested etc etc etc. Go get a medical okay rule out anything that way then go and get professionally diagnosed so you know okay

just as for a diabetic meds do help chemical levels in the brain meds do level ones emotions out and meds are needed for depression to be stable come on you know this so reach out now and get help for you okay your daughter your flesh and blood don't abandon her please don't the pain is too great if you only knew and felt this pain you would not even consider leaving.

 

[doityourself]

Its funny doityourself, if I have one psychologist its my job. The stress I get from my job surprisingly doesnt add to my mental health issues. It actually takes it away. When I have someone who is really sick, or is dying, I go into a total zone and im completely focused. I forget everything. Its gratifying to help save someones life. Its a great feeling and one that makes me feel good. It's a big reason I work so much. When I am work typically I dont feel awful, I am to focused on what I am doing and what needs to be done.

As far as talking to my wife goes there is no talking to her. she is the queen of excuses. Believe me I have tried. It gets no where. Doit, I have tried to be happy. Its not in the cards for me. I believe that some people are born on this earth that simply dont dig life. You know? Some people just dont get enjoyment out of being on this planet. Some people do, some people are born into rich families or love life with a great passion. To those people I tip my cap and I am happy for them. Im one of the people that living life doesnt really do it for me. It never really has. You know what I mean? The highs are nice for sure, my highs dont last long and the lows are much more frequent.

Yep, know exactly what you feel, I do divorces and order of protections, those type of things so when I can help someone it makes all the differance to me, but when I start over thinking thier situation it brings me down. Do you think coming on here and helping out would make a differance to you? It does me, being able to tell someone how I feel and have them actually understand is priceless.

Im sorry about your marriage, thats unfair to you. Was it always like that?

 

[Paramedic21]

Doit my marriage wasnt always this bad. But my wife has always been an excuse queen and lazy. So in a way it has and in a way it hasnt. I actually came on here Doit to basically tell my story and talk to people like me. It is human nature to want to share your experiences with others and thats what im doing. I just wanted to tell my story and share the reasons for me planning my death with people who dont know me and wont judge me for it. I get sick of people claiming that people who want to die are looking for attention or are being drama queens/kings. Its not always the case, some are but some are not. In my case, I am not. I just simply want to share my story with people before the day comes when its my time, which as I said at this point is going to be early January....I want to go, but I can wait until I see my mother and I need to wait for the gun anyhow since I dont own one.

 

[xxtitchxx]

hi im new on here and this is the first thing iv read. im 19 and a student but i have been depressed and suicidal before. im terrified of getting like that again but i can feel it happening. just feels like im always alone and noone understands so whats the point. thing is iv had so much therapy i know when im getting ill and part of me feels like i just cant fight it anymore. feels like iv been fighting my whole life. i have more bad memories than good and everything is so confused i dont know whats normal anymore. when i talk now and as i get older i feel like im just a problem and feel like id be better off not here. the one thing that keeps me is my little sisters who are now adopted and my mum for all the pain i know theyve already had. but everyday is so hard and i just want to stop thinking. i see other people so happy and i know my life will never be that way because of everything thats happened and how much my heads messed up. i know im bright and culd have alot goin for me but i just dont have the energy to keep fighting my own thoughts everyday. i keep thinking how much i wish i was someone else or could start life againg with just people i love. i like to thing theres a better place out there. i hate this world right now its full of selfcentred people. just seems worse the older i get. if this is reality i just dont want it

 

[dazzle11215]

Brandon, true story. I was in the hospital because of feeling suicidal. I was still planning on going through with it, waiting til after i was released. I told the doctor that i'd considered all my options and thought it through. I asked her to tell me what I hadn't considered. And she told me, it's simple. You are bipolar. This is a treatable medical condition. She told me it would be a shame to kill yourself over something that is a treatable medical condition. I've never forgotten her words. Sure I still struggle but I know that underlying my feelings is a condition. One that can be fixed.

 

[Paramedic21]

Dazzle, sorry you were hospitalized for all this, I am glad the doctors words had an impact on you and helped you. I wish you well in the future as you continue to fight bipolar. Lord knows it isnt easy.

 

[total eclipse]

so true like many medical conditions that use medication to help them survive so does medication for mental illness help a person to survive Why is it so different then being a diabetic who needs insulin or a ms pt who needs meds to stabilize them etc you do not have a fatal disease such as cancer you can have peace and stability but you need to see a professional to get that okay so just do it Take care of yourself and no one needs to know anything so many people now can work and lead a normal life with mental illness i know someone who has spent most of their life in the army with schizophrenia 25 yrs to be exact and functioned like anyone else because of her meds.

 

[dazzle11215]

hey brandon, thanks for your thoughtful response. i wanted to share this online book with you. http://www.qprinstitute.com/Foreverweb.htm -- i know it's long but perhaps there is something in there that might help. thinking of you.

 

[lapazyelamor]

i think you have a lot to offer people you are a paramedic and a husband you help people for a living i think you NEED to get on some medication and you NEED some heavy duty stuff get klonopin or xanax or just some valium and it will calm you down and you WILL feel differently under the effects of these drugs i doubt antidepresants will help you though they may but you will definately get help from some anti anxiety medication, dont deny yourself the opportunity to feel different because it is within your reach , being a paramedic you shopuld be able to get some xanax or something no worries, i never understand the thinking of people who think they are too good to take a pill like saying everyone who takes a pill is a loser , not saying that is you but what is better using a crutch like a pill or suiciding ? some people have no hope like me but you actually do have hope just tell your family how you feel and get some anti anxiety medication , all the best

 

[Paramedic21]

I appreciate all of your kind responses...especially to the person that posted above me. You are important to, you seem kind and caring and smart. You cared enough to post on my thread and reach out to me. All the best to you. The problem is, im not to good to take a pill, its not that. Its the fact that pills wont change the things that make me want out. They may male me feel somewhat better and somewhat relaxed, but they wont get me out of this trap im in. Again, to everyone that has posted so far with kind words and encouragement, I thank you all very much.

 

[Cpt-Fantastic]

hello paramedic, i feel you brother. i dont want to be hospitalised or all the other nonsense too. but if your option is between killing yourself or getting treatment, id at least give it a go you have nothing to lose if your other option is death. doctors have a vow of silence and if you dont trust the doctors in your environment look up a doctor further away.

 

[Paramedic21]

Lullo thank you for your comment and concern. As I have mentioned before, the problem with getting help and dealing with my illness that route and getting on medications and so forth is that it wont solve the major issues that have drove me to chose this path. So while it may help slightly it is not going to change my solution.

 

[doityourself]

Its funny doityourself, if I have one psychologist its my job. The stress I get from my job surprisingly doesnt add to my mental health issues. It actually takes it away. When I have someone who is really sick, or is dying, I go into a total zone and im completely focused. I forget everything. Its gratifying to help save someones life. Its a great feeling and one that makes me feel good. It's a big reason I work so much. When I am work typically I dont feel awful, I am to focused on what I am doing and what needs to be done.

As far as talking to my wife goes there is no talking to her. she is the queen of excuses. Believe me I have tried. It gets no where. Doit, I have tried to be happy. Its not in the cards for me. I believe that some people are born on this earth that simply dont dig life. You know? Some people just dont get enjoyment out of being on this planet. Some people do, some people are born into rich families or love life with a great passion. To those people I tip my cap and I am happy for them. Im one of the people that living life doesnt really do it for me. It never really has. You know what I mean? The highs are nice for sure, my highs dont last long and the lows are much more frequent.

It does make it so hard to talk to people that dont and cant understand. Thats why its so good that you came here, I understand, really I do. The feeling of just ending it cause you cant see any other alternative. I wish you would take the words above to heart about this being a disease that can be controlled, meds, therapy, or whatever will give you some relief to see whats going on around you, to see how things can be changed.

I understand about not wanting people to know, I use to be that way-now its more who can I try and explain it to. Its nothing to be ashamed of, is a health issue.

 

[Paramedic21]

Doityourself, you have a good heart, thank you for chiming in. Your responses mean alot, they do. Im just not convinced that seeing a doc or taking some pill is going to make me not sick. I know im sick. I do, on top of whats happening in my life and the illness, I cant convince myself things will get better with time. This is the only way I see out. Even if the meds make me not so moody or control my ups and downs...its not going to control the other issues.

 

[doityourself]

Doityourself, you have a good heart, thank you for chiming in. Your responses mean alot, they do. Im just not convinced that seeing a doc or taking some pill is going to make me not sick. I know im sick. I do, on top of whats happening in my life and the illness, I cant convince myself things will get better with time. This is the only way I see out. Even if the meds make me not so moody or control my ups and downs...its not going to control the other issues.

Thank you for that.

I agree pills and therapy are no miracle workers, but they will help you see that your life is not uncontrollable, the feelings can be controlled. Do you think if you didnt feel so much anxiety, do you think you would be able to work on some of the other issues?

It makes me so hurt and mad that you and others (myself included sometimes) feel there is no other way. This disease is an awful thing to live with, I know. Today, Im not feeling so well, its hard to come up with the words that will make you see that your human, life is not always going to go as we planned or hoped but that doesnt mean we cant be happy or peaceful with what we have.

 

[Paramedic21]

Amen doit. Your doing a fine job it seems with coping. Let me ask you something Doit, if you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist..and you tell them you have a suicide plan ETC...will they send you to a hospital against your will?

 

[doityourself]

Amen doit. Your doing a fine job it seems with coping. Let me ask you something Doit, if you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist..and you tell them you have a suicide plan ETC...will they send you to a hospital against your will?

The last time I went and talked about suicide with a doc, he wanted to committ me but here in the states they cant unless youve already hurt yourself, and then its only for 72 hours.

Coping, dealing, settling is a day to day, today feels like more hour to hour, I to have my ups and downs, my ups are rage, anger, that scares even myself. I know deep down I will never kill myself, I have 2 children that needs me here for them, I cant leave them, I know all to well what its like not to have parents. My downs are the worst, I have learned to know when they are coming and how to control them.

It took me many of years to just agree that I was sick, In my case it was passed down by family and a whole bunch of other BS.

I know its a scary thing, having to ask for help, you feel people will judge and look at you differant. To me those type of people are worth my time anyway, if you want to be my friend then this is me.