Many of you know that I am sticking around solely to take care of my old kitty. She has various medical problems and I am doing what I can to keep her healthy and happy. When she dies I die. That is all there is to it. I will probably give myself a month to get my things in order, <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> However, recently I have been having overwhelming urges to just do it now. <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> More and more I just want to die and be done with it. I am tired of people always telling me it will get better. It won't, nothing will continue to happen in my life. I will sit here in the dark wanting to die 20 years from now just as I am now. So why bother, I am sick of all the surprised looks. That is one thing that always gets me. I am met with shock and awe about my lack of friends of mates. I am so sick of it. There people need to suck it up and start telling me the truth. That I am worthless and I need a miracle to change anything. They all yell at me too. All of them fall back into the usual rounds of You have to help yourself too. What the fuck have I been doing for so many years? Oh yeah trying and failing. Then I am met with Well try again I am sick and tired of my sister lying to me about wanting to help. When I write three paragraphs talking about wanting to die and the most she can offer up is one off-handed sentence to tell me not too. Then why the fuck should I even give her more room. Sometimes I think that moving away from this pit I call a home state will make me better. However, deep down I know the truth. The truth is that all moving far away will mean is that there will be no one to stop me from killing myself. In all reality that is the most appealing part of moving. Knowing that I can say "in 2 hours I am going to <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>" on facebook or something and no one will be able to physically appear and stop me. All I want to do is be gone. I will never understand why people want me to live and be miserable. Why can't anyone just tell me that if I want to die then I should. I guess the world needs pathetic people who always fail to laugh at. I think that is why everyone wants me around still.