I Do Not Want To Wait Anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jul 3, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Many of you know that I am sticking around solely to take care of my old kitty. She has various medical problems and I am doing what I can to keep her healthy and happy. When she dies I die. That is all there is to it. I will probably give myself a month to get my things in order, <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>

    However, recently I have been having overwhelming urges to just do it now. <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> More and more I just want to die and be done with it. I am tired of people always telling me it will get better. It won't, nothing will continue to happen in my life. I will sit here in the dark wanting to die 20 years from now just as I am now. So why bother, I am sick of all the surprised looks.

    That is one thing that always gets me. I am met with shock and awe about my lack of friends of mates. I am so sick of it. There people need to suck it up and start telling me the truth. That I am worthless and I need a miracle to change anything. They all yell at me too. All of them fall back into the usual rounds of You have to help yourself too. What the fuck have I been doing for so many years? Oh yeah trying and failing. Then I am met with Well try again I am sick and tired of my sister lying to me about wanting to help. When I write three paragraphs talking about wanting to die and the most she can offer up is one off-handed sentence to tell me not too. Then why the fuck should I even give her more room.

    Sometimes I think that moving away from this pit I call a home state will make me better. However, deep down I know the truth. The truth is that all moving far away will mean is that there will be no one to stop me from killing myself. In all reality that is the most appealing part of moving. Knowing that I can say "in 2 hours I am going to <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>" on facebook or something and no one will be able to physically appear and stop me. All I want to do is be gone. I will never understand why people want me to live and be miserable. Why can't anyone just tell me that if I want to die then I should. I guess the world needs pathetic people who always fail to laugh at. I think that is why everyone wants me around still.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2012
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    you have been here a long time and I applaud you for the courage it has taken for you to keep going. Even if it is for your kitty. I have read your threads and posts over these past years and can feel the pain you have so deep down. I wish I had the answers as to how to rid you of it so you could feel better. In a sense, people that say you have to help yourself and try again are right, but as someone who has been there, just once, I would like them to tell me exactly how do I do that? Do they think I haven't tried? Or wouldn't if I could? I am sorry your sister hasn't offered up a better support system for you. It is difficult for family and friends to know what to do or how to handle it when the feelings have gone on for so long. It almost becomes old hat to them and they figure you have made it through this long and will again. That isn't always true, but for someone that hasn't been there, they know no different. I urge you to keep trying as well. I don't like to hear of anyone dying by their own hand. Selfish of me since that is something I consider myself on almost a daily basis. Just know that i will listen if you need someone to be there. i am not here to watch you fail or to laugh at you. I value your life, what I have seen here of it. :hug:
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to offer a listening ear if you ever feel like talking. I don't have the answers (although I wish I did), but I've seen your posts around the forum, and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I hope you can find the strength to keep going; we're here, not to laugh at you, but to support you.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I know no one has the answers... just once I wish someone could have the courage to risk being wrong.... I am pretty sure that is one thing that would perk me up and make me feel wanted and loved. I was really hoping to get that from my sister. My sister could not have known that I was suicidal before I told her. She and I rarely spoke when we were kids. She was always at some soccer tournament across the country. When she was in college she was always busy seeing old friends. Even now when she comes to visit I am the last stop on her list. Sometimes I think she would rather cancel. I understand that is a difficult spot to put someone in.. but still. Just because you take a chance on something does not mean it will be an easy answer or anything. There is just as much chance that something might be more than you can really handle. I was hoping my sister would be able to do take the view of It is not a matter of can or can't. It is a matter of what I must do. I guess that is selfish of me since I cannot even do that.

    Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my counting of days till I can get out of my current location... but at the same time... I hope that I can die before then too. I do not know, I know what will make me happy and what I need to fix myself. The problem is that it is impossible for a loser like me to obtain.

    Thanks, most days I do not know what I can say... that has not already been said before. Especially to someone like you know supports so may already.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What is impossible for you to obtain? If it is something that can help you in this life, let's strive to meet that need. If I m knew your sister I would give her a piece of my mind. She should take the time to really listen. Nothing should be as important to her as your well being.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @gentlelady: I can send you a PM tomorrow..err.. today... after my workout about what I feel I need. I have posted various threads... but I always like rewriting it down. The more I write it the clearer it gets in my mind and the more I discuss it the more arguments I can counter.

    As for my sister, we all have our own lives. She has her own life she is super busy going to grad school, doing her job (who pays for grad school), and not losing her boyfriend. She has her own life to live. Her well being is her first concern. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have our own lives to worry about. I could take more concern for her life. However, it is her life and it is not my job to intervene. I do not like to intrude. So I cannot exactly say I have earned her support or kindness.

    Anyway, figured I would get online and check out what has been said. I need to get some sleep so I can survive crossfit tomorrow.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.