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I do or I don't

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#1
My fiance and I are seas apart. We're worknig toward applying for the k1 fiance visa and we should have our application sent out by Oct 18.

The thing is he has had such good opportunities arise for him since he returned to his home country. He's on a new career path working at a new job and now his job is funding a 4 year degree in his field. I'm incredibly happy for him. But if he comes here he will lose all those opportunities. If our application is approved, he will be here and unable to work for a certain amount of time.

We've barely had any time together with both of us working but now that he's starting uni, even less. We're barely in a relationship right now - we will be even less as his studies intensify.

He made a point that he was giving up a degree for me the other day while I was in the depths of depression. He was trying to tell me that that's how much I mean to him, but it shouldn't be that way. I am worthless and I have been actively planning my suicide for the last couple of days.

We're doing all of this for what? For me to be absent emotionally and depressed and sad? For me to one day succeed in killing myself? How could I ever make him give up such good opportunities for someone like me?

He's my crutch and ... I'm all alone lately, as having said that we're barely in a relationship. He shouldn't be my crutch. None of this is fair on him. None of it, and yet it's true. Feeling so alone has just... intensified my suicidal feelings.

Oh I've tried to reach out to people, to feel less lonely, to make connections but it just isnt happening, especially as I'm half out of this world already. I even got an ESA but I end up feeling so worthless with my kitten. I've bought him the best of everything but I still can't... get out of bed to go play with him sometimes. I try.

I guess my question is... should I break up with him? He deserves better.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#2
Hi there,

That certainly is a tough one to call, as there are arguements for maintaining as well as for breaking your relationship with him. The fact that he is prepared to sacrifice what seems to be a wonderful career opportunity to be with you, speaks volumes about the depth of feelings he has for you. Irrespecitive it seems of the issues and personal demons you are contending with. You're questioning whether he should be making such a sacrifice? Only he can really answer that. Question is, to what degree has he given this enough thought, particularly with all the possible implications?

For all I know,he might well have already done that and realised that having a career opportunity as he does now, would be meaningless if he wouldn't be able to share his life with you. The fact that you're willing to make a sacrifice so as to "set him free" shows how much you care for him.

Even though you feel that he deserves better, I don't know, I kind of feel that is a decision for him to make? As I said, this is a hard one to answer, only you two can make the ultimate decision. Which I hope will be favourable for you both.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
It is absolutely his decision only. Like Ash said, he's the one who decides not to take that job opportunity, to take that risk, and he can't hold you responsible for it. It means that being with you is more important to him than that... so would you make him happier by leaving him? I don't think so.
Also, who says that he won't find an enjoyable job in your country? Perhaps even better. Then he could have that and get to be with you. Either way, it is his choice to make...

I suppose he knows about your depression and suicidal ideation? In which case, so far he's been able to deal with it and is willing to do so no matter how hard it gets. If it's too much for him, then it's his call to make, but when you truly love someone, you stay for the better and the worse, right? Would you stay if it happened to him?

Have you told him about these concerns of yours? Because that is the most important thing, communicating with him.

Ultimately, I don't think breaking up with someone because *you think* it'll make them happier is a solution to anything, you may lose something potentially amazing for both of you. I think things get very hard at times, but that's when you're supposed to stick with it, to be supportive and encouraging, and optimistic for a better future together. It's not easy, life rarely is, but if he's the only positive thing in your life right now, cherish it, make him your strength in all of this.
 
#4
I think 🤔 the question you’ve got to ask yourself, or address is... in the absence of these obstacles, or difficulties, in other words: if everything else was the same, how would that change your outlook, or view on things? So, if he were an American, or already legally here. If his status to study and get work were equal here, if this & then that... & not to mention the other thing — he’s still here. Standing. Loving you all the same. But there’s no excuses how! Just you, and He (or you, and You!)- what I mean is, do you think the problem, or issue is more with yourself than it is with him. What level of person, how much further down the checklist of approval would they, or he have to fall in order to meet your criteria? Would this potential, hypothetical suitor suddenly have to be in a position of putting you up on a pedestal, as you have he, or him? In order to meet your standards... I guess what I’m getting at is that I think you’ve got to tackle, or address the problems &/or issues that are coming from, or located within. Before you go pushing away something that might not be so easily replaced. But that’s just me, and my poor brain at work. The above posters have already written great lines that I could not have conjured up in my imagination in or for an eternity— ;) I know it isn’t easy, but I’m trying to point out the obvious, as I see it. Without any “varnish,” or gloss for you to consider when it comes to prisms and lenses and whatnot. Feel free to disagree— :D ! Me_;)
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#5
Just you, and He (or you, and You!)- what I mean is, do you think the problem, or issue is more with yourself than it is with him
Of course I think the issue is me. That's the whole point. Disregarding the fact that long distance relationships are hard, I make it worse by being in this vulnerable situation. Needing him when he needs to nourish his own talents and self. Needing him when I'm sad, when I'm down and him not being there. Then making him feel bad about it even if I don't mean to.

He deserves to have a life. Not have it swallowed up by me and all my shit.


something that might not be so easily replaced.
I'm not looking to replace him. Or what we have. There's no point.. I guess that's my point. My point is there is no point. Putting someone through all this emotional pain, through all this heartache when I'm not long for this world. When I'm more in love with death than I am with anything else. It's not fair to anyone.

I do think I need to be whole to be with someone and make them happy and I don't think I ever will be. My mind has been more on suicide than it has anything else.

Even when we speak I can't muster up an ounce of ... just me. Who I am. I see him searching for me in here, but I just sit here, apathetic.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#6
Have you told him about these concerns of yours? Because that is the most important thing, communicating with him.
Yes, I did speak to him about it and he said he could make it work, maintaining a relationship with me and working while going to uni. But he didn't think about it. Already this weekend he wasn't able to juggle it and he's only officially starting uni tomorrow.

He put off something important uni wise, just to make sure we spoke today because he knew I was getting upset (It was supposed to be our day together. It'd been so long). I can see how excited about it he is. I know that it's important to him and I know he wants to do well. Something has to give. He says he's giving up a degree for me but if he really believes that ... why even start the uni program in the first place? if he really believes he won't finish?

It is his choice to stay with me, but maybe it's my choice too to not. Maybe I can be a decent human being for once and give this to him. Maybe I don't want to be the type of person that selfishly keeps someone to myself. I can't live with myself as it is.

Question is, to what degree has he given this enough thought, particularly with all the possible implications?
I don't think he has given it enough thought... and I don't think he will. He is very giving but to a self destructive point. I know that about him.

I don't mean to be combative. Your words are all taken and considered very seriously. It's not a light thing. It's something I've been thinking about for awhile.


I can either suffer alone and just end it or I can suffer with him and take him down with me.
 
#7
Of course I think the issue is me. That's the whole point. Disregarding the fact that long distance relationships are hard, I make it worse by being in this vulnerable situation. Needing him when he needs to nourish his own talents and self. Needing him when I'm sad, when I'm down and him not being there. Then making him feel bad about it even if I don't mean to.

He deserves to have a life. Not have it swallowed up by me and all my shit.




I'm not looking to replace him. Or what we have. There's no point.. I guess that's my point. My point is there is no point. Putting someone through all this emotional pain, through all this heartache when I'm not long for this world. When I'm more in love with death than I am with anything else. It's not fair to anyone.

I do think I need to be whole to be with someone and make them happy and I don't think I ever will be. My mind has been more on suicide than it has anything else.

Even when we speak I can't muster up an ounce of ... just me. Who I am. I see him searching for me in here, but I just sit here, apathetic.
I think that... if you could see what I see—(that you’d feel quite differently!) / because I can see the truth; without any distortion s - like a psychologist, in this way (meaning more objectively, that your subject inability to see “Forrest for the trees 🌲,” kind of a thing!) :)... now see: I don’t even know exactly how that cliche goes, but I know that you do. And that you will understand what I mean. You are speaking the truth other than as you know or see it. Gets this suicidal stuff addressed & handled & then you’ll be good to go - with him (as in stay)! Otherwise, swap out anybody in his place—& for arguments sake - you’re brain’s just going to look to make the same sort of arguments against yourself. : ) You are good enough. You’re in the prime of your life. It happens to also be a very prime time to make other bad decisions- for whatever reason (I know it my self; I some how made it through.,, but it was a goddammed miracle , for Frick’s sake—& if I ever had it to redo: I don’t think I’d lik e my chances so. . ) And I’d be willing to bet, or put money on the fact that those who didn’t see it through, and make it... had they been given a glimpse of what life might’ve been like . When things evened out (so to speak...) that almost none of them wouldn’t do it over again differently— BELIEVE ME!
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#8
I don't mean to be combative.
I don't view anything of what you've said to be combative. I can fully understand your point of view and the rationale behind it, as much as I can see the point from where, how and why your fiance is coming from.

I can't begin to imagine the degree of turmoil this must be causing as it looks like you've both got polarising views on this situation. If there is a middle ground or one such exists which would benefit the both of you, then I truly hope it will be found.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#9
I think that... if you could see what I see—(that you’d feel quite differently!) / because I can see the truth; without any distortion s - like a psychologist, in this way (meaning more objectively, that your subject inability to see “Forrest for the trees 🌲,” kind of a thing!) :)... now see: I don’t even know exactly how that cliche goes, but I know that you do. And that you will understand what I mean. You are speaking the truth other than as you know or see it. Gets this suicidal stuff addressed & handled & then you’ll be good to go - with him (as in stay)! Otherwise, swap out anybody in his place—& for arguments sake - you’re brain’s just going to look to make the same sort of arguments against yourself. : ) You are good enough. You’re in the prime of your life. It happens to also be a very prime time to make other bad decisions- for whatever reason (I know it my self; I some how made it through.,, but it was a goddammed miracle , for Frick’s sake—& if I ever had it to redo: I don’t think I’d lik e my chances so. . ) And I’d be willing to bet, or put money on the fact that those who didn’t see it through, and make it... had they been given a glimpse of what life might’ve been like . When things evened out (so to speak...) that almost none of them wouldn’t do it over again differently— BELIEVE ME!
I think you make a valid point that I should be addressing my suicidal stuff. If I'm not willing to address that then I'm talking bullshit. If I really want to be selfless then I should fight for us which means fighting for my mental health I suppose. It's just been extremely hard for me lately.. doing anything about it. Other than mope on the internet and hope that some poor suckers will hear me out.

If I'm honest it's not just the fact that he deserves to pursue opportunities that's getting to me. It's the lack of time as well. But I think I'd rather give therapy a shot again and see if I can handle the distance until he gets here rather than give up on a 5 yr relationship altogether.

Last night was insomnia galore so apologies If I make no sense.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#10
I don't view anything of what you've said to be combative. I can fully understand your point of view and the rationale behind it, as much as I can see the point from where, how and why your fiance is coming from.

I can't begin to imagine the degree of turmoil this must be causing as it looks like you've both got polarising views on this situation. If there is a middle ground or one such exists which would benefit the both of you, then I truly hope it will be found.
Thank you. I appreciate this.
 
#11
I think you make a valid point that I should be addressing my suicidal stuff. If I'm not willing to address that then I'm talking bullshit. If I really want to be selfless then I should fight for us which means fighting for my mental health I suppose. It's just been extremely hard for me lately.. doing anything about it. Other than mope on the internet and hope that some poor suckers will hear me out.

If I'm honest it's not just the fact that he deserves to pursue opportunities that's getting to me. It's the lack of time as well. But I think I'd rather give therapy a shot again and see if I can handle the distance until he gets here rather than give up on a 5 yr relationship altogether.

Last night was insomnia galore so apologies If I make no sense.
Jesus! Five years?? I thought it was only for a few months (~not that that matters much, but..;)) Wo-man!?!?:) what’s wrong with you. . :^))_~* I’m joking, of course - like the wo man 👨 from Delaware! ;););) honestly, the line you wrote about “...moping & poor suckers, etc.!” (These are the kinds of thoughts that need to be extinguished at once!) / you see them as ‘facts,’ because they are swimming around in your head all the time : constantly; but in reality they are “lies!’ ; ) 👍trust me- we’re here to help. And to try to tell you the truth as we see it... : ) if things were better before when he was here just a little while ago; then in my opinion, that is your answer right there (& furthermore, all the validity in terms of the proof that you should need). Your mind is playing tricks on you - & you’ve know one to guide you, or steer you back onto the straight and narrow! You strike me as the type, kind, person who would be benefit greatly from therapy. Honestly— 💯 (just don’t be a smart Alec , like 👍 me 🤗). . . What’ve you really got to lose? :^) sermon over / n done ✅
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#12
Your mind is playing tricks on you - & you’ve know one to guide you, or steer you back onto the straight and narrow!
I've more of a knack for the bi and wide.

You strike me as the type, kind, person who would be benefit greatly from therapy. Honestly— 💯 (just don’t be a smart Alec , like 👍 me 🤗). . . What’ve you really got to lose? :^) sermon over / n done ✅
I may benefit. Last I went I found it really awkward as we had switched to phone appointments. Also, she has the same name as me and I couldn't take it seriously after that. It was too mirror, mirror.

But I intend to find a different therapist who is willing to do in person appointments. Wearing a mask may even help as I'm less anxious when my emotions aren't splattered across my face.
 

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