I DO want to live, just not like this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MotownJohnny, Jan 14, 2014.

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  1. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    There is a new song by Eminem, 'The Monster' - some if you may have heard it, it features Rihanna on the chorus, and it is burning up the charts. This song chronicles his struggle with mental illness. 'I'm friends with the monster under my bed' - I take that lyric to mean he has accepted that he is mentally ill.

    I do want to live, but not like this. Is mental illness a permanent black mark on my record??? Can I beat it??? Will it recede into my past so I forget??? Can I live and not always look over my shoulder to see "who knows?" Will I find peace???

    If the answer is yes, I have a future, then I will go for it. If the answer is no, I am permanently branded with "the mark of the beast", then I am done, and will just off myself. This as it is now is a miserable experience.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    not heard it, will give it a listen
    acceptance is indeed first step of moving on and all that.

    future's bright with the 'yes', right? so why not go for it..
  3. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    The thing that is stopping me is the thought that "they can take it all away from me at any time". True? Probably not. Self-fulfilling prophecy is I don't get my act together - probably. Where does it come from -- childhood experiences, when I was constantly on edge, fearing for my safety and at times my life, as well as my mother's life and safety; from how easily I was sent to the psych day program despite my grave fears and definitely against my will, I caved in a matter of hours, seeing no way out; from the feeling that the universe is "out to get me"; from the feeling that stigma is rampant and society hasn't moved past the mindset of 1890 or 1910, when it was "lock them away".

    It is completely irrational. I know this. But it still scares the devil out of me.

    I need peace and closure, I just have turmoil. Which is why I think a lot, in detail, of how I would end it all if I can't resolve this -- death is better than torment, life is better than death, but life is predicated upon that ability to "set it aside" and that is the catch 22, I can't forget or forgive myself. So, the snake eats its own tail.
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    how would you go about moving on in your life to find said peace? do you have a set plan?
  5. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    Well, kind of - I'm applying to grad school and training for a triathlon. But will it be enough to bring me fully back from the edge, I dunno. Throwing therapy and psychiatry at it hasn't solved the core problem, but I can identify it more specifically. Maybe I need desensitization therapy like people afraid of flying? So, a partial plan anyway, better than no plan.
  6. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Definitely yes you can and you should go for it. The first reason I know why is because you say you want peace. People who recover know what they want, stick to that, and never let it go. Think peace, breath peace, obsess on peace... become peace. Peace feels good, and feeling good is the relief in this.

    The other reason I can tell you are gaining wisdom is that you recognize the importance of acceptance in the Eminem song. Its not a fight, its a surrender. That is the first lesson and you are already learning it. So keep your eyes sharp for more lessons and stick to your intuition, that is your ticket. Adjust, learn, grow and never stop.

    So go for it, you are already on track, you can believe it. Start planning your future my friend, and go, go, go and never look back.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I certainly can relate well to that song too, and yes it does lead me to believe he has heard voices or suffered with some form of mental illness. My advice to you is never give up on yourself Always hold on to that small bit of hope you have in your mind. We are always here for you too.
  8. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    Right now, I'm not so sure I do want to live -- because, I am tired of this. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of worrying all of the time. I'm tired of searching for "the next thing" that I hope is going to "fix" it. I'm just plain tired. And I can't rest. It's all very overwhelming.

    Can I just run away and start a new life somewhere else, where no one knows me??? That might be one option -- I've always been attracted to the PNW, maybe I would like Seattle or Portland. Get in the car and just drive until there is no more road, just the blue Pacific.

    Because no one here cares about me. I'm never going to be anything but "a mental patient" to them. And that hurts.
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i'm sure they've not said that last bit, so you're only assuming there
    if they've said that, they're unprofessional
    if they've not said that, which seems more likely, they're only out to help you move on
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