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I don’t know if this even belongs here

#1
My body doesn’t feel like my own I stay awake late and wake up early it feels like I am watching myself complete everyday actions from a fly on a wall perspective and after a long time I have finally decided to place my final thoughts somewhere after contemplating it for the longest time after the death of another family member for the god knows year in a row i finally feel the the will to be here whatever this place is has gone I have no fear of death or what lies beyond my choices the conscious thought of me taking my own life is the only thing that brings me happiness I have watched family member after family member suffer in pain and agony time and time again some quick some slow being there in their final moments watching on then walking down corridors of hospitals and hospices with the same feeling of dread everytime hearing the same words from different doctors “I’m sorry there isn’t much we can do” or “make them as comfortable as we can” is haunting my every dream I feel like ending it all without hesitation most days but that has changed this year this lockdown maybe this was the thing I needed the outcome of my next choice can be lost maybe for weeks or until someone notices something I have no one left to miss me i feel at 24 this probably shouldn’t be true a lot of people have judged me harshly before after mentioning how suicidal I have felt I have tried before scars and other mementos from failed attempts I have nothing here I don’t even know why I’m writing this down on this website maybe I shouldn’t maybe I should delete this maybe I will i don’t know hopefully I just want to be ignored on here to prove my point that truly i am as forgettable as I seem a missable miserable flash hopefully someone may find something in here I have missed that’s the key to fixing this but I don’t hold hope I have lost everyone I loved everyone I have cared for I have tried for so long to carry on working and living with a smile making the people around me believe a facade of happiness as I fake laugh and pretend to be happy for their sakes I hope I do get ignored I wish for it I hope for it I don’t need to be here I don’t want to be here It was a mistake a big mistake I want to let it all go maybe I’m posting this because this stupid fucking pang at the back of my head wants permission for me to die first I wish someone could understand the struggle of trying to exist and be normal for everyone else to have them believe the lie I have told them someone to understand the crippling loneliness having a world where no one in it even knows you exist
 
#2
I'm sorry that you're going through this and that you've lost so many family members. 24 is definitely very young to have lost so many loved ones. Is there really no one left?
lot of people have judged me harshly before after mentioning how suicidal I have felt
Many people seem to lack the emotional maturity to support someone who is struggling or suffering in life. It's not your fault, you've just not found people who understood until now.
I have tried for so long to carry on working and living with a smile making the people around me believe a facade of happiness as I fake laugh and pretend to be happy for their sakes
You don't have to fake how you feel to anyone. Not everyone will necessarily respond well, but the burden isn't on you.

You may be able to connect with some people here, so I hope you'll stick around.

Do you feel like you're in immediate risk right now?
 
#3
I'm sorry that you're going through this and that you've lost so many family members. 24 is definitely very young to have lost so many loved ones. Is there really no one left?

Many people seem to lack the emotional maturity to support someone who is struggling or suffering in life. It's not your fault, you've just not found people who understood until now.

You don't have to fake how you feel to anyone. Not everyone will necessarily respond well, but the burden isn't on you.

You may be able to connect with some people here, so I hope you'll stick around.

Do you feel like you're in immediate risk right now?
I truly have no one left between a mixture of suicide and terminal illness, I wouldn’t consider myself a high risk I have felt like this most of my life but only this bad for 3 weeks since my uncle passed from covid and I’m still here kicking around, I have never voiced myself aloud like this before but I do want to try and find people I could talk to that would be able to understand me and not be so fast to judge, especially knowing I have made previous attempts on my life.
 
#4
I wouldn’t consider myself a high risk
I'm glad you're not at high risk, though I'm sorry that things are so bad.
How were you before your uncle passed?

No one here is going to judge you for feeling suicidal or having previous attempts. You'd think people would be more understanding given that you've lost so many family members.
 
#5
Before my uncle passed I was holding on more so for the thought of him knowing I was there maybe giving him a reason to stay as much as he was giving me a reason to stay, he was a heavy drinker and was hospitalised before for with jaundice after almost having liver failure, I hate talking like this cause I know I’m not the only one this happens to I’m nothing special, in honest most people don’t know my problems fully due to being judged so heavily on only sharing basic information. I think what is making me worse is not working normally I’m working 12 hour days if not longer keeping my mind away from it all.
 
#6
I hate talking like this cause I know I’m not the only one this happens to I’m nothing special
It's ok to talk about these things here. This is what SF is for.

If talking about what's wrong helps, then it's ok to do that. You don't have to have it worse or better than anyone else.

I think what is making me worse is not working normally I’m working 12 hour days if not longer keeping my mind away from it all.
I wonder if there's another way to keep yourself distracted, or just another way to deal with this that's better than working long hours.

So I'm guessing that work keeps you distracted to some degree, but also leaves you exhausted.
 
#7
It's ok to talk about these things here. This is what SF is for.

If talking about what's wrong helps, then it's ok to do that. You don't have to have it worse or better than anyone else.


I wonder if there's another way to keep yourself distracted, or just another way to deal with this that's better than working long hours.

So I'm guessing that work keeps you distracted to some degree, but also leaves you exhausted.
I have tried other distraction I used to play my guitar a lot but lately even that doesn’t prove much of a distraction from anything. Working the long hours is what normally helps me get some form of sleep from pure exhaustion alone otherwise i spend my nights starting at the ceiling trying to think of things to distract myself which can last till about 4 am until I black out and wake up at 7 or 8 am getting ready for work, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me
 
#8
Working the long hours is what normally helps me get some form of sleep from pure exhaustion alone otherwise i spend my nights starting at the ceiling trying to think of things to distract myself which can last till about 4 am until I black out and wake up at 7 or 8 am getting ready for work
That's awful. Just the stress alone that you've been under is a lot, it's even harder to get so little sleep.

Do you want some suggestions about treating insomnia, or treatment methods in general?

I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me
You're welcome!
 
#9
That's awful. Just the stress alone that you've been under is a lot, it's even harder to get so little sleep.

Do you want some suggestions about treating insomnia, or treatment methods in general?


You're welcome!
I’m really used to the stress I’m no stranger to it though I wouldn’t mind if it did ease off at some point, I would really appreciate some suggestions at this point I really would be open to anything, it’s been quite some time since I have slept properly.
 
#11
This link has some information about treatment methods.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

...and this sub-link has some specific info about insomnia

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/specific-info-for-insomnia.166820/
Thank you for the information I will happily give it all a good read and try what I can to make it easier although most of the CDC list I already do follow which is surprising I really do appreciate all your help it’s the most I think anyone has ever done for me
 
#13
You're welcome!

Hey, I'm happy to help out if I can. I feel like life owes you something better than what it's given you so far, so I hope some good things will start coming you way from now on.
You are so very kind with your words, I hope you are right a change of luck would be much appreciated
 

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#14
I truly have no one left between a mixture of suicide and terminal illness, I wouldn’t consider myself a high risk I have felt like this most of my life but only this bad for 3 weeks since my uncle passed from covid and I’m still here kicking around, I have never voiced myself aloud like this before but I do want to try and find people I could talk to that would be able to understand me and not be so fast to judge, especially knowing I have made previous attempts on my life.
Hello and welcome. This forum is a good place to encounter the types of people you describe who will not judge, hopefully you will find it helpful here.
 

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