My body doesn’t feel like my own I stay awake late and wake up early it feels like I am watching myself complete everyday actions from a fly on a wall perspective and after a long time I have finally decided to place my final thoughts somewhere after contemplating it for the longest time after the death of another family member for the god knows year in a row i finally feel the the will to be here whatever this place is has gone I have no fear of death or what lies beyond my choices the conscious thought of me taking my own life is the only thing that brings me happiness I have watched family member after family member suffer in pain and agony time and time again some quick some slow being there in their final moments watching on then walking down corridors of hospitals and hospices with the same feeling of dread everytime hearing the same words from different doctors “I’m sorry there isn’t much we can do” or “make them as comfortable as we can” is haunting my every dream I feel like ending it all without hesitation most days but that has changed this year this lockdown maybe this was the thing I needed the outcome of my next choice can be lost maybe for weeks or until someone notices something I have no one left to miss me i feel at 24 this probably shouldn’t be true a lot of people have judged me harshly before after mentioning how suicidal I have felt I have tried before scars and other mementos from failed attempts I have nothing here I don’t even know why I’m writing this down on this website maybe I shouldn’t maybe I should delete this maybe I will i don’t know hopefully I just want to be ignored on here to prove my point that truly i am as forgettable as I seem a missable miserable flash hopefully someone may find something in here I have missed that’s the key to fixing this but I don’t hold hope I have lost everyone I loved everyone I have cared for I have tried for so long to carry on working and living with a smile making the people around me believe a facade of happiness as I fake laugh and pretend to be happy for their sakes I hope I do get ignored I wish for it I hope for it I don’t need to be here I don’t want to be here It was a mistake a big mistake I want to let it all go maybe I’m posting this because this stupid fucking pang at the back of my head wants permission for me to die first I wish someone could understand the struggle of trying to exist and be normal for everyone else to have them believe the lie I have told them someone to understand the crippling loneliness having a world where no one in it even knows you exist