Every day is such a slog. I’m rarely ever happy and most of the time, I’m downright miserable, especially when I’m working at the military medical centre. I still have nearly 600 days left before I complete my mandatory military service. My superiors have been so, so accomodating to me but I’m still struggling. My colleagues are usually nice too, but I can’t help but feel like they hate me, which feels worse than if they just outright said it. I just feel so much dread all day long while I’m at work, and I’m in constant fear of screwing up, which I do more often than I should. If it weren’t mandatory military service, I would have gotten fired by now.
I feel really dejected because I’m probably going to have to do this for the rest of my working life. I’m still going to feel that dread and stress all day long. I’m basically just doing an office administrative job and I can’t even handle that.
My sister came back for a holiday earlier this month and she raised the topic of my university applications. It’s something I should be driven by and excited for, but I feel absolutely nothing. I’d love to be out of the military but the prospect of further studies and moving abroad doesn’t excite me the way it used to. Nothing excites me anymore.
I just don’t want a future at all. My life feels like such a miserable slog, day-in and day-out, and I feel awful at the fact that I’m going to have to do this over and over and over again.
I hate my life so much. I hate being forced to serve in the military and doing this job. I hate having to look like a man and live as a man. I hate testosterone and everything it’s done to my body. I hate being so lonely. I have a counselling appointment in Wednesday and it’s the only thing I’m looking forward to for the rest of the month because my counsellor is the only person I know personally who understands my problems and empathises with my situation. Everyone else just dismisses them… I hate having to hear about how military service is “my duty” and I need to “serve it with pride” (by people who never served btw), or how my depression is getting better (it’s not… I just don’t talk about it to anyone anymore because they don’t care).
I just want to die so badly. I’m never happy and I don’t know if things will ever get better. If they don’t get better, I’ll just be stuck living like this forever and I’m so scared of that. If I could choose between my dream life and a painless death, I would choose the latter because there’s nothing I want out of life. I have no ambition, no passion, no love & happiness to share. I’m just so empty and it hurts so much living like this.
I feel really dejected because I’m probably going to have to do this for the rest of my working life. I’m still going to feel that dread and stress all day long. I’m basically just doing an office administrative job and I can’t even handle that.
My sister came back for a holiday earlier this month and she raised the topic of my university applications. It’s something I should be driven by and excited for, but I feel absolutely nothing. I’d love to be out of the military but the prospect of further studies and moving abroad doesn’t excite me the way it used to. Nothing excites me anymore.
I just don’t want a future at all. My life feels like such a miserable slog, day-in and day-out, and I feel awful at the fact that I’m going to have to do this over and over and over again.
I hate my life so much. I hate being forced to serve in the military and doing this job. I hate having to look like a man and live as a man. I hate testosterone and everything it’s done to my body. I hate being so lonely. I have a counselling appointment in Wednesday and it’s the only thing I’m looking forward to for the rest of the month because my counsellor is the only person I know personally who understands my problems and empathises with my situation. Everyone else just dismisses them… I hate having to hear about how military service is “my duty” and I need to “serve it with pride” (by people who never served btw), or how my depression is getting better (it’s not… I just don’t talk about it to anyone anymore because they don’t care).
I just want to die so badly. I’m never happy and I don’t know if things will ever get better. If they don’t get better, I’ll just be stuck living like this forever and I’m so scared of that. If I could choose between my dream life and a painless death, I would choose the latter because there’s nothing I want out of life. I have no ambition, no passion, no love & happiness to share. I’m just so empty and it hurts so much living like this.
ty :3
