I don`t see a point

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jarrett, Dec 30, 2013.

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  1. Jarrett

    Jarrett Member

    Hello everyone first off this is alittle long i just need to but it out in writing

    So first off I am 17 a ginger and i am short being 5'7, i am depressed and for the most part only feel negative emotions mainly angry, sadness. I hate my family, my dad is a alcoholic and my mother takes her anger out on me, for the vast majority of my life (because she hates me because she sees that i am like him). I had friends before i moved because of my parents break up, now i have none in my finale year of high school , my parents never let me hang out with friends or go over to friends houses as a kid so making friends doesn't come easy for me. I have never had a relationship that has lasted more than 1 week. i was always bullied for how i talk (have a slight problem with saying R`s) and for my red hair, and now i cant tell when someone is being nice or making fun of me.

    My only brother has aspergers and hates me and treats me like shit. My abilities in school are sub-pare at best, not that i am dumb i dont see a point. violence and working out are the only things i enjoy without feeling hallow, sexual pain and other peoples pain gets me off and i may be bisexual. I have many psychopathic tendencies, I cant feel empathy for people nor do i think i am able of loving someone, I hate people and animals. i am also paranoid and sometimes hear voices in my head (like a bunch of people talking cant make anything out). Sometimes i think the only thing keeping me sane is my intellect and the fact i am indifferent to all most everything.

    i understand life gets better with time, but for me pleasure is ever fleeting, and i am finding i need more extreme simulation as i get older. This makes me scared in the future of want i will do (i dont want to hurt anyone).

    with all that negative stuff out of the way the only thing good about me is that i have above average IQ and 11 % body fat and weight 155, i am fit ( workout at the gym 4 times a week and try to run 2-10 km every day and bike 8 km in total daily) I also come from money. but that's it i have no talents at all.

    So should i end my life, before i hurt someone or become a zombie on pills
    (ps sorry if this is very disconnected i just had to but everything down, i hope you dont think i am trolling i really need help i am very scared)
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    If family has money then money can be spent on physcharist to figure out whats holding you back if you want that extra help. Have you asked to see one?
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi jarrett...

    it sounds to me as if you need to do like DrownedFishOnFire suggests.... and seek help. Could be anything from the "angry form" of depression with psychotic tendencies to schizophrenia to a diagnosis of several different things. until you get the diagnosis, you cannot treat it for what it is. it sounds like even though you don't feel 100% care of others, you still DO care... or you wouldn't care if you hurt others or not.... i think now is the time to find the help you need, before you lose who you are....
  4. Jarrett

    Jarrett Member

    I figured i would get the standard "you need to find help thing", seems its either that or a religious based answer when ever i tell people this. You know i don't think l will find it here but you know for once i want to find someone like me, not a therapist that gets payed by a company to put me on pills, then says hes there for me.

    demuredawn : losing who i am, did you just read my post, who i am is a person you think should get changed by the help of a professional , but you know i will not loss my self on pills. Second thing is i understand getting help for this is in almost all ways i good idea, it just seems to me most of the time people go to a doctor they get their problem made into a crutch, I don't know how that helps me.

    Also while i my not share much feeling for my fellow man, i do have some but it seems that going away the more i age...
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi Jarrett

    Truthfully this is not an easy post to answer. I am sorry that you feel that life is so worthless and that the combined factors in your life that make it difficult blend into something unmanageable. I do not want to write anything trite - but at the same time it seems you are after genuine opinions from real people so here we go:

    That your only enjoyment comes from working out an violence suggests that you have a lot of anger - which might also account for the lack of empathy you feel for other people. You have a right to be angry. An alcoholic father, a mother dealing with it badly and a brother who cannot connect emotionally cannot be an easy place to grow up. Added to that social isolation and self esteem damaging bullying, and of course you are angry. I have no idea if therapy for anger has any value - but it might be worth considering taking up a martial art or kickboxing or similar as an outlet. Martial arts in particular focus a lot on the control of aggression as well as providing a disciplined environment within which to express it.

    If you really do feel that you have psychopathic traits/tendencies I suggest you see a doctor. Not for the value of 'help' even, but to find out whether that is, in fact, true - or whether your anger and pain are creating false thought patterns that can be overcome. If you know what you are dealing with, you are better equipped to deal with it.

    The fact that your issues include not having had a relationship longer than a week and the fact that your brother hates you and your lack of friends suggests that you want human contact - which in turn suggests that you are not a psychopath. Lack of social contact can make people close off and build defences that manifest in different ways.

    I would ask you to remember that feeling something, believing something, does not necessarily make it true. I suggest you see a medical professional so that you can find out what the 'truth' might be instead of trying to make decisions based on thought patterns that may well be distorted.

    Stay safe :hug:
  6. Jarrett

    Jarrett Member

    It could be just anger issues, and lack of social connections with people. I have my violence ways under control (working out is the only reason ) if I don't workout for a week that changes, but for the most part I can control myself. The psychopath issue is more of something someone showed me, and it fits my personality almost dead on, but i am going to see a doctor for it, as I never take things on face. I am worried because my uncle and other people in my dads side of the family have mental issues from schizophrenia to feel of the outside (unsure of name).

    with that said i am still depressed and get off pain. also just something i want to clear up , I don't get why my depression is always changing, like for some weeks/months I will be depressed thinking of ways of killing myself, then some weeks its like my depression is bipolar, but it seems to shift in extremes, is this how everyone gets or is this somewhat odd.
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