I Don't Actually Know What to Do With Myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Nov 13, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say. I am going to have a go at writing down how I am feeling so I can try and make some sense of it. Things have got a whole lot worse. On Thursday I drank too much. I did try the whole I felt something sting me and it ended up in me having an argument with my Mum (see my previous posts). She got quite nasty about it. I ran out of the house with a razor and went off somewhere to go self harm. My mum followed me and I ran off from her. I went to my quiet place where I have been before to SI at night and cut my leg. I didn't realise my mum was out looking for me. I fell asleep and came round in resus in hospital. From what I have been told someone called an ambulance and my mum saw the ambulance and found out it was me inside. Obs she saw the blood and the people told her what I had done. My parents came down to the hospital where apparently the staff told them was not the first time I had been in from self harming. So now they know. They don't know the extent of it, but they know it's current and that there are problems. They are proper freaking as they don't understand SI. They also said it's a miracle I am alive as I would have died of hypothermia had someone not have seen me. I wish I had. I can't deal with them knowing about this.

    I refused to see my parents when I came round and I was kept in over night. The next morning the Doc saw me and I told him about my arm. He had a look at it and said couldn't see anything, no punture marks etc and if was still hurting me to go to my GP and they would send me for x-ray, so no further on that one! I feel like I should just leave it. I have mentioned to him that there is something in there as when I tried to get it out it pushed it in. He had a very couldn't care less attitude. So I can't either. The pain makes me feel more also. It's a way of constant being able to SI without anyone knowing.

    So, when I got home I got dressed and went straight out. Spent the day at uni. I called the nurse at the hospital who I have seen before and he was horrible. Just basically said there is nothing I can do. I needed re-assurance. I told him what had happened the night before and he was quite off with me. So I won't be calling him again. He just said I am in control and I control what happens. I said I felt as though I was losing control and needed help. I said I was worried about the suicidal feelings and he said he was glad I was worried as meant I was aware of them and could do more to control it. He said I wasn't under him as a patient so there was nothing he could do and wouldn't really be worth him seeing me again as there was nothing he could do.

    So get back from uni and I am summoned in to the dining room by my Dad. He said I needed to get help and that it was selfish etc. That I should consider other people and did I know how much hurt I had caused? Also got phone call from my brother telling me to go round to his house today to talk to him. He said it was obs I was depressed and needed to see someone. I thinks I should go to counselling or something. I didn't tell him much about the self harming as I really don't like talking about it with people I know. It's my thing. It stays in my head. I don't do talking about feelings and why etc. He just kept saying if no one had found me I would have been dead and how someone found me where I was is a miracle and he said it looked like a suicide attempt.

    I really can't deal with people knowing about this. I am pissed off with the hospital for them mentioning about previous self harm. I am not a child (26), what right do they have divulging my personal medical history. I know some of you will thinks it's good that family now know. It's not. It's the worst thing possible. I know I am going to get lectured by them and they don't understand. They will get nasty saying I am just attention seeking. So now I am feeling the worst I have done yet in this episode. I want to self harm more and I would say I actually do feel suicidal now. I really don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so low and so anxious.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Oh, honey, I don't even know where to start. Yes, I do. I'm so glad that you've survived this and you're back here. I'm really glad that you're alive.
    I'll write more soon, but have to go offline now.
  3. MyWholeLifeInWORDS

    MyWholeLifeInWORDS New Member

    They shouldn't be discussing your personal and medical history with anyone... I know it is embarrassing when your family finds out about self harm or self mutilation... i did it in high school and and eventually friends found out, the whole school knew, and worse my parents knew. It sucks to face those people everyday but you can do it, eventually it just fades away and everyone forgets about it. Show them how strong you can be! Maybe it would be good for you to talk to someone.. not a psychiatrist lol, but maybe just a counselor or someone you can talk to. When you keep everything bottled up inside, and you have all those emotions you feel like the only way to get them out and feel better is self harm. With time this situation will get better, it seems bad now but everything will work itself out. Obviously your family is not going to abandon you or disown you, it sounds like they care a lot, they just dont understand what youre going through. Try to do some little things each day that makes you happy, I wish you the best <3
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Can you believe this...the hospital actually called my home number, spoke to my parents about having the stitches in my leg removed. I think I am going to have to make a complaint. They have no right to be doing that. I am not a child. I am 26. My medical history is private and should not be discussed with anyone else!
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Yes, it's true that you're not a child and its also true that your medical history should be private.
    I don't want to sound harsh or mean but you're been screaming for attention for some time now and you've finally got it, so why are you so upset?
    You say that you didn't want your family to know about the self harm but surely you must have realised that at some point it was going to be noticed? You're not stupid, you're an intelligent human being.
    You're annoyed with the nurse because he didn't give you the reassurance that you sought...try changing the word 'reassurance' to 'attention'
    You won't talk to your brother or a counsellor because self harm is 'your thing' and you 'dont do talking about feelings'. Why is that? Are you afraid that someone might actually help you? If they help you and you get better, then you won't get the attention any more will you?
    You're angry with your father for pointing out that you're hurting other people. You're frightened that you're going to be lectured and accused of 'attention seeking' so you don't want to discuss it with family or therapists.
    Well, I'm neither family or therapist but I am going to say you're attention seeking. Only you know what? That isn't your fault. It's part of your illness. Please recognise that because you're going to have to deal with it.
    I don't know why you self harm but there is clearly some issue with your family that you need to resolve. You're full of anger and you want it to be dealt with. What's happened in the past to make you feel like this?
    Unless you deal with the root of your problems, you're never going to get better and you need to get better. Get some help, channel all that internalised anger into getting the right help and into getting better.
    Sorry to sound so mean and horrible. I just want you to get well. xxx
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi golden, sorry you have been through so much since we last wrote. sounds horrible and very painful, both physically and emotionally. the hospital has no right to divulge your information. what happened with teh school counsellor? did you go to the appointment?

    will you please go to your doctor and get the needle looked at. i am worried that it will cause an infection and you will lose your arm. that would be terrible. you don't deserve that. please go and see the doctor and insist on an xray. you need to get that needle out asap.

    can you get rid of whatever you are using to cut (knife or whatever). that way you are less likely to act on impulse. it will allow you to put a little distance between your desire to self harm and your ability to act on it.

    sending you a big hug, if okay. thinking of you.
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I got my dates wrong. It wasn't on Wednesday it is in about 3 weeks.

    Catherine C - I am sorry but I don't agree with you on that one. I don't want the attention. I managed on my own before and I have managed to keep it under wraps. The SH is a private thing. I don't talk to anyone about it and I don't want family etc knowing as will be something that is brought up again and again even when I am not feeling depressed/suicidal. It is something that will be used against me in a negative way. That is why I don't talk to family about it. I don't talk to friends about it as they have their own issues and I am not going to burden them with my problems also as that is not fair on them. I have done what I can in regards to getting help. I have made sensible decisions of going to my GP asking him to refer me on to Psych, trying to get support from people when I do need it. When I called the Nurse on Friday I was close to having a panic attack and I wanted him to chase up this group he has put me in contact with. If it was about the attention I would not have any qualms about discussing the SH or about talking about my feelings. I want quite the opposite of attention. I want people to leave me alone and leave me to get on with things in my own way.

    Dazzle - I am going to the GP next week. I will need to call and make an appointment tomorrow for the end of the week. The Doc at the hospital wasn't too concerned about it. He said take pain killers and if still hurts get the GP to arrange an X-ray.
  8. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Sorry to sound harsh Golden but I've gotta agree with much, if not all of what CatherineC has said. I have to ask you - do you want to get well? If the answer is yes then think of this as an opportunity. Parents will not understand straight away - it took mine over two years to come to an agreeable situation, but they will try.

    If they call it selfish, then consider that depression in the starkest sense, is truly selfish - that does not mean that it is your fault to be selfish - depression is an illness that makes you selfish.

    I hope you'll push on and get help for it - trust me after a while - don't know how long - you'll be thankful things came out in the wash.
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Yes, of course I want to get better. It's not like I enjoy feeling this way and thinking all the time the next time I can SH with no one in. It's the feelings I get when I SH that make me do it. There is something about that feeling of the flesh tearing that is very theraputic. If I get carried away and I have to have stitches I always drink before going to A+E as I hate going so much. It's not very often I drink then SH it's usually the other way round. If it was an attention thing then I really don't think it would have been able to go on for 4 years without any one in my family knowing as I have done so much to keep it all under wraps.

    I agree that depression is selfish as very few people are considered outside of the way you feel. However, what I was pissed off about was the fact that the people who now know were basically saying how they felt and didn't even consider what I was feeling and just brushed that off to the side. Which is exactly what I expected from them. Which is one of the reasons I have done all I can to stop them from finding out.

    I have done what I can to get help and support from other areas. My career is everything to me at the moment and me being the way I am could have serious implications on it. So I have been doing what I can so that it doesn't get to the stage where I was attempting suicide. I called the nurse on Friday for practical advice and reassurance. Last time I spoke to him he seemed to actually listen to me but this time he was quite useless. I explained to him that I was having suicidal thoughts again and was worried I was going to act on them. He wont listen to me when I say it's not alcohol as he is intent it is the alcohol. I don't actually drink that much anymore. Not as much as i used to anyway. Sometimes I do drink as a self harm thing but a lot of the time I have a drink as I enjoy red wine and it's nice to relax with a couple of glasses at the end of a stressful day. I don't see alcohol as a problem this time. It has been in the past but I can not drink if I want to also. Sometimes I just don't not want to drink (If that makes sense).

    I don't see what else I can do on my part to get the help I need. It's hard to explain but having my family know is really not the best thing that could happen. We are not a normal family. I have been to my GP who has refered me on to Psychiatrist, I have been in contact with the group that the nurse refered me to but I have not heard anything from them, I have been in contact with the nurse again to try and chase them up for me, and I have also been in contact with the university counselling service. Now to me if I was someone who didn't want to get better would I have gone to so much effort to get further support.

    At first I was really reluctant to go to anyone else other than my GP as to me the fewer people that know about things the better. I don't want to be carrying this around with me forever. I don't want to be known in A+E as I am in there so often after self harming. I don't want to feel like this and what is scaring me is that I have done what i can to try and stop it and if anything things are getting worse and I am starting to feel that I don't want to live as I can't see a way out. It's bad enough that it is something that is taking over my life, but I have scared myself permanantly. Even if in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time if I am alive I am going to have permanent reminders of what it was like now. I am so scared and there is no way anything will be done about it. Last week when the surgeon was sorting out my leg he said the scar would be awful as they can't stitch it but once it had healed it could be re-opened and have surgery on it so make it better. I just laughed at him. He asked me what was so funny and I asked him if he was blind and asked him what sane surgeon would operate on me to reduce one scar when there were hundreds more on my legs.

    I can't put in to words how it will make things worse my family knowing about things but it will. And that is why I am pissed off and feeling even worse now as I know things will get a hell of a lot worse!
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Well. I have not got an alcohol problem. The nurse kept telling me to go back to this organisation who I saw a few years ago when I was drinking a lot. I wasn't to but I thought if I need people to take me serisouly I need to do what they tell me to do. So I emailed them last night and they saw me today. I explained everything to the alcohol worker person. Opened up completly and explained everything. I said I knew there were occasions where I drank too much and that is was a form of self harm. He agreed with me and you don't have a problem with alcohol just that you are using it to self harm with. He said he can't treat what isn't there and that need to address what the self harm issues are. He was really nice and said it's obvious you need help so even though there are no alcohol dependency or a problem with drink in that I crave it, need it etc I can still go see them so that I have someone to talk to.

    I said to him please tell me if you think I am in denial about it and he said that it's a possibility but the fact that I went there shows that I am concerned there could be a problem but he thought what was more of a problem was why I was wanting to self harm etc. He said sort that out, then you sort the alcohol out also!

    Finally had an email back from that self harm network also today. The nurse at the hospital chased them up for me. They apologised and said was problem with their server not sending emails. So looks like I may finally be getting somewhere!
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that's great news about the self harm network. i really hope they are able to help you. still sending you good wishes, c.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.