I am not trying anymore. I give up. It seems ever time I do something to help myself, something goes wrong.In the last month I was told once again at the shelter that if im suicidal I cannot stay there. Missed first appointment with laywer, hubby disabled the car, second appointment, laywer did not show up. Found a therapist only to be told on the second visit she could not see me again because she lives near me. Went to the doctor for antidepressant only to find out I can not take it due to interaction with new pd med. Had to stop taking new pd med after one week because it was making my blood pressure go through the roof. The one med i take for back pain makes me feel more suicidal so i cannot take it as often as i need. I have not been able to sleep at night due to pain and nightmares. My insurance just got canceled which means I will not be able to see my neurologist. I THINK SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. I DONT BELONG HERE ANYMORE !!! I dont think I was suppose to live through my last attempt or all the nights I sat chasing **** with liquor. I have tried so hard to stay strong and be a good person these last five years. I have tried endlessly to help myself out of this hell I am living in. I cant do it anymore and no matter what I do my kids will be hurt by my actions. They will hurt weather I live or die. I have no one left in this world , no friends, no family, nothing. I will never be mentally or physically healthy enough to take care of myself ever again. I am so messed up no one would ever want to stay friends with me even if I could make one. I will spend the rest of my life alone if I do choose to live. The pain of being alone itself is killing me. For some reason I know I deserve everything that has been done to me. I am not the good loving and caring person I think I am . I am a selfish worthless excuse for a human being. If I was anything better they would have loved me and not hurt me the way they did.