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I dont belong here.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pisces1, May 14, 2014.

  1. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    I am not trying anymore. I give up. It seems ever time I do something to help myself, something goes wrong.In the last month I was told once again at the shelter that if im suicidal I cannot stay there. Missed first appointment with laywer, hubby disabled the car, second appointment, laywer did not show up. Found a therapist only to be told on the second visit she could not see me again because she lives near me. Went to the doctor for antidepressant only to find out I can not take it due to interaction with new pd med. Had to stop taking new pd med after one week because it was making my blood pressure go through the roof. The one med i take for back pain makes me feel more suicidal so i cannot take it as often as i need. I have not been able to sleep at night due to pain and nightmares. My insurance just got canceled which means I will not be able to see my neurologist. I THINK SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. I DONT BELONG HERE ANYMORE !!! I dont think I was suppose to live through my last attempt or all the nights I sat chasing **** with liquor. I have tried so hard to stay strong and be a good person these last five years. I have tried endlessly to help myself out of this hell I am living in. I cant do it anymore and no matter what I do my kids will be hurt by my actions. They will hurt weather I live or die. I have no one left in this world , no friends, no family, nothing. I will never be mentally or physically healthy enough to take care of myself ever again. I am so messed up no one would ever want to stay friends with me even if I could make one. I will spend the rest of my life alone if I do choose to live. The pain of being alone itself is killing me. For some reason I know I deserve everything that has been done to me. I am not the good loving and caring person I think I am . I am a selfish worthless excuse for a human being. If I was anything better they would have loved me and not hurt me the way they did.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh pisces you are not a bod person you are person with an illness who deserves care and understanding How can your insurance just be cancelled did they tell you why. Your therapist needs to refer you then to a new therapist ok ask her to do that Talk to your doctor get a new pain medication and new antidepressant
    ONe step at a time ok hun i know it all seems negative right now but small steps can help change things hugs
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    That's all you really have to do. No one has any right to judge your heart, to claim knowing if it is loving or selfish or otherwise. Best wishes.

    I take it that you know this web site can't do anything about health insurance, neurologists, shelters, children, and other activities of daily living. All these institutions and situations are often grossly unfair. It's honest to say you will probably have to deal with them as best you know how, and perhaps on your own. But we will cheer for you along the way.
  4. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Total eclipse~ Insurance is being canceled due to inability to pay for it atm. I can not go back to any doctor's or therapist without it. Without help i will never get better. I am beyond tired of everything going wrong no matter how hard I try. I have been doing everything I can to get out of this situation and for me there seems to be no help. I cannot live with this monster who gets his kicks out of hurting me anymore. Even if I could leave, I have no were to go, no friends or family, I will be alone no matter what I do. No one wants to know a depressed crazy person. I just dont feel like a human being anymore and have not for such a long time. I just dont see any reason to keep holding on when all I do is hurt and push away the ones I love with my awful behavior. I dont want to do this anymore. Going to start working on my plan B and be done with all this pain. Thank you for your kindness.
  5. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Hatshepsut~ I dont have any strength left in me. I cant do this by myself anymore. I need help and cannot get any, I have tried many, many times. Thank you for your kindness.
  6. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    help is here, you are thanking for it.
    many people here to give you a moral boost.

    mental health care is so frustrating, things get re scheduled, canceled, remade all the time. it isn't because someone is giving you a sign, it's how the system works or rather doesn't.
    try many times until you get what you went there for. it will happen eventually!

    ever tried herbal meds?
  7. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Logically I know you are right and I will keep trying to push forward to get the help I need. It is just so hard when nothing I do works out. To me it feels like the world dose not want me here and I should just give up. It is also scary to think of all that can and will go wrong when I am able to get out of the situation I am in. It is hard to knowing that because of my personality issues that I will be alone the rest of my life. I dont have much to look forward to. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
    p.s. I have not tried any herbal remedies, probably something I should look into to, being most prescribed meds add to my suicidal thinking.
  8. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    No amount of meds or doctors will ever be able to erase me or what was done to me. I think I have known this all along and now that someone had finally validated my feelings I feel at peace with leaving . I sm so, so, so very tired. Thank you for trying to help.
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    no, it won't erase. but it will definitely heal.