I dont belong here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by conchaos, Feb 26, 2008.

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  1. conchaos

    conchaos Member

    I am so done with this world. I feel totally disconnected from everyone and everything. Every interaction I have with others is awkward; I feel so alone in the way that I think and am. I feel like I have so much to offer to others, but it's like I am in a different dimension. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even speaking the same language. I'm on a different "channel"
    Nobody cares. Everybody just "says" they care. I'm guilty of this too.
    And worst yet, the only person who has ever truly cared about me, and been there for me, has rejected me.
    I feel like I don't belong on this planet. I just want to stop existing, but I am scared that if I kill myself my mind wont stop thinking. That I will still "exist" even though my body is dead.
    I told my friend I want to end it, I spilled my guts to him. I told him I dont feel like I belong in this world, I feel so alone, I have no commonalities with anyone. No emotional connections. He just said "text messaged me" telling me not to do it. I hate text messaging.
     
  2. conchaos

    conchaos Member

    I feel like the only reason I am living is because I love my parents. I am their youngest and they have invested so much love and time and money into me and my education. Killing myself would devastate them; they are ready to retire and it would ruin their entire life efforts to be happy and comfortable.
    But I cant help it, I'm so alone. I'm so uncomfortable with myself and my life and the people around me.
    I hope everyday I get in a car crash (not involving someone else), or some freak accident takes me out of this place. That way, at least, my parents wouldnt have to wonder why I killed myself. It would be an honest accident.
    Nobody would have to wonder why I did it.

    Until then, I know I have to contribute to society. I go to school, have a good job, I help my family out as much as possible. I even started my own business. Its so weird because from the outside you wouldn't guess I was hoping everyday is my last.
    I feel like I'll always be alone, and rejected.
     
  3. Hatemylife88

    Hatemylife88 Well-Known Member

     
  4. conchaos

    conchaos Member

    I have no personal motivation to live. I don't even really understand what it would feel like to have an internal "drive" to survive anymore. It's been so long since I've felt like I belonged in existence.
    If something happened to my parents, god-forbid, I would be gone in a heartbeat. I know it.
     
  5. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    same situation as you. no motivation to live at all, no motivation to do anything. no survival instinct in me and hanging on only because of my old folks.

    I'm done with life but I still got to go on living. it's hell.
     
  6. conchaos

    conchaos Member

    Thank you for your replies. At least I have some common factor with someone out there on Earth.
    Its so hard because a lot of society, especially around where I am from, look at suicidal people and see someone who is "doing it to themselves" and "bringing down others".
    Thats not true at all for me. I get good grades, I do my part in society really well, I eat really healthy, wake up early in the day, I put on the "happy mask" whenever I am out...but it's all just to make life a little more bearable.
    Other than that, I'm suffering so badly emotionally and mentally. I go to work, school and then I come home and sit on the computer all day. When I make myself go hang out with my "friends", I HATE every minute of it. Its like they are all speaking a different "life language" than me. But I wear the mask.
    When I did "spill my guts" to that one friend (I called him crying, sitting in a parked car in a canyon with a bottle of sleeping pills ready to down)...he just said "Dont do it" and it was all so fake and forced and...indifferent. I told him I had to go. He "text messaged" me an hour later and said "Don't do it." Text messaging is the epitome of everything I hate about society today.
    I was able to convince myself not to take the pills because of my parents. Since then it's been a constant struggle to go on everyday. To communicate with people on the most basic levels, so look decent when I go out the door; The dark circles under my eyes are getting worse. I look uglier everyday.
     
  7. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    whats worse is I'm the only son and my parents are in their late 60s. if i die, there will be no one to take care of them.
     
  8. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    I feel the same as well, I'm just so disconnected.

    I don't live, I just exist.

    Hope things get better for you.
     
  9. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    Be happy, I did same and this is the answer I got : "how do you plan on killing yourself?"

    Other than that, I'm feeling a lot like you do...
     
  10. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    you seem like youve been through a whole lot of crap, and i kno because i feel the same way as you do.

    but about the text message. dont feel bad about that... i have a few suicidal friends, they tell me this all the time and sometimes i feel very speechless in what to say to them, so i try to say something, anything and its quite hard. you gotta give your friend some credit, maybe he was just freaked out but he did care.
     
  11. Sylvester

    Sylvester Member

    Well, comparisons are usually odious. In this case, they may be a saving grace.

    I will type it again and again it I have to. An old saw it may soon become.
    My baseline emotion is the instinct to die. I am generally kept above water by taking Provigil, which when working completely changes your thinking so much that it can be scary (for those it works for).

    I realized that it was chemical indeed. My chems were off, and it was up to me to try hard to fix them.
    It's been a mess, but I am here to talk about it.

    I have 2 great medical reasons to kick the bucket, one social reason, and an assumed mental illness. Lots of fodder.
    And then, I have a mother and a father. My mother, she is the one who's pitch lowers by a minor third when I have to tell of something bad. Like a suicide attempt.
    (she understands completely, as my grandmother would)

    "I've done it all." My grandmother would say this, and that meant she was ready to die. She lived well into her 80s, anyway.

    I am 44, and have no hope of getting back into the "mainstream." I have no cell phone, so text-message is not an option. I don't like computers, but I admit that places like this are really therapeutic.
    "Better on the outside, than on the inside."

    I like to think that I surf the waves, in life. I'm reasonably good at it, given the rough seas. Some says, I just say: I was given more than I one I am equipt to bear.

    That's when you tell people who care, who won't throw guilt at you.
    The "I have parents" motivation is not guilt. It is an optional responsibility. Not everyone has this option.
    I really want to outlive my mother, especially, but I may not (medical reason). I hope the feeling lightens up, so you can compare the nice feelings in life to the dark days.

    Peace,
    sylvester
     
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