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I don't belong.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by perfect-flaw, Mar 13, 2009.

  1. perfect-flaw

    perfect-flaw Active Member

    I'm the person who usually likes writing in code. I speak in riddles, because I enjoy seeing who can read into the things I say, and how they read into them. It shows they care.

    But I don't want to do that right now, I just want to be honest.

    I've lost a lot of friends lately. People who I thought were friends, betrayed me and backstabbed me. I lost a boyfriend (don't ask me over what, because I honestly don't know). I just had surgery last week, and I was given way too much time to think about my life.

    I realized that I have no one I can trust. I *thought* I fit in with some people I know, but I don't truly feel comfortable at all with them. I can't tell them what I think because I don't think they'd understand, and we "hang out", we don't really know each other. There's only one person I can call a friend, and I can't even see her very often. I burden her, I know I do.

    Three people I lost today. Because they decided they were fed up, or they picked each other over me. I've only had 4 people I could call friends in the past few weeks, and I lost three of them tonight because they have better things to do, better people to care for, and they are honestly fed up with me. One stopped talking to me and I still don't know why. The other chose her boyfriend over me, and told me so; that she could no longer talk to me because she had to prioritize, and I wasn't one of them, and the last, my ex-boyfriend, who remained my friend, decided he didn't really care about me, and went back to pursuing his ex (who was best friends with me until she got consumed in her own life as well).

    So, I'm out of school because I don't start until September. I'm in recovery, so I can't do much. My brother comes home, and leaves to go see his friends, or whatever, doesn't say a word to me. My parents and I hardly talk (My mom works two jobs, and my dad is a huge stress ball)... I don't work right now, I can't do much for the next month in recovery, and I literally have no friends.

    I decided today I did belong in one group; my family... And I was watching something.. a show.. where the Father and daughter were bonding and I felt so overcome with emotions, I went downstairs and asked my dad if we could hang out tomorrow... I tried to have a conversation with him, but he was too consumed with the TV, and didn't really care at all for what I was saying.. He shrugged me off.. but when my cat jumped on his belly, he grabbed her and started cooing and petting her...

    I don't know... My mom works until midnight every night... She tries to stick around, but she has alzheimers, she is falling apart because she is a workaholic, and she was convinced her antidepressants were actually screwing up with her brain, so she stopped taking them. I'm more of her babysitter than anything else, and things are honestly better when I just don't talk.

    *sigh* So....

    I don't know what to do anymore!

    Seriously, I don't belong anymore.. I don't have anyone I can.. trust.. Anyone I can turn to.. and yet, I don't want to build a knew relationship with a person... Because no one wants to be friends with someone who is miserable all the time...

    And I am too tired to pretend I'm happy anymore.

    I just...

    I don't know what I want anymore.

    It's really hard to explain because no one really knows my background story, and there's so much of it.

    But what do I do? I don't belong anywhere...

    I'm an island. I'm surrounded by a huge mass of land that is everyone else, but I'm an island, and the water keeps me from truly having a relationship with ANYONE.


    I can't even explain it anymore....

    It's so screwed up I don't even cut anymore, because it doesnt help, because I'm so sick and tired that I don't even have the energy to do it. I don't have the energy to cry... I don't have anything.

    [I can't believe I'm posting this... I'm not even going to proof-read it. I typed as I thought, so sorry if this sound REALLY jumpy, detached, etc...]
  2. danz

    danz Well-Known Member

    People suck in general.
    I'm terrible at offering encouragement or positive messages especially to posts like this because a lot of what you say is so true. A friend that let you down and leaves you when you need them most is hard to take. I don’t bother making new friends either! It’s hard to trust people these days.
    If you have to pretend to be happy when deep down you’re hurting in order for people to be with you then the hell with that. There are enough fakes in the world already. Be yourself and try to find things that make you happy, work through your issues as best you can. It feels like a lonely place where you are now but a lot of people feel the same way, detached from the rest of the world and nobody to talk to. I don’t have the answers but hang in there. Hopefully it gets better for you. I can relate to the island thing.
    Its like every time I take to the water and reach out to someone I drown.