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I don't care about myself

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#1
This has been an issue for me for a very long time. I find it very difficult to do things that benefit me, big or small. I've made some progress in the time that I've been here; brushing my teeth once a day most days rather than every few days and cutting down on eating to try and lose weight. It's still not as much as I should be doing though and I know this, yet I still find it hard to justify actually doing anything about it. I don't exercise at all, which is probably the reason why my legs got as bad as they are. My sleep is shit, but I don't do anything to make it better, I just accept it. I also haven't washed in a long time, so I look disgusting and my scalp is an itchy mess often covered in spots that can be a pain in the ass.

So many of these things I just don't bother trying to make better. I pretty much only think about how much I'd like to change these things when they are actively distressing me, like when I wake up feeling horrible or when we have guests over and I worry about them seeing me like this. Once those moments are over, I basically just forget about it until the next one.
I don't know why I'm like this. My lack of self worth is the only thing I know of that would be affecting this, but I've never really been able to improve on that in any meaningful way. It makes me scared for the future, for when the inevitable time comes where I won't have my parents taking care of the bare essentials like food and such. I always come to the conclusion that killing myself is the best option at that point, because I'm just incredibly useless and won't be able to survive because of that.
 

Sunspots

Daydream Believer
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
Self care and low self esteem can become a vicious circle. The lower your self esteem the less likely you are to bother with self care because you think you're not worth it. And the less you practice self care the lower your self esteem goes. It's a common theme with depression. A friend of mine actually threw me into the shower with my pyjamas still on at one point.

You've got the teeth cleaning sorted (once a day is definitely much better than once every few days) and the cutting down on eating (you're doing better than me with that one). So you now need to add something small in. It sounds like showering would be a good one to go with as it should help with two things - you'll look better and it would probably help your scalp so you'll feel better too. You could try a medicated shampoo like T/Gel. Even if you only manage it every two or three days for now, it's a step forward. Make an appointment with yourself to do this, write it on your calendar, set an alarm on your phone. You'll be more likely to stick to it if you give yourself a physical reminder. You can even clean your teeth in the shower - two chores in one :)
But don't try to do everything at once or you're just setting yourself up for a fall and it will dishearten you even more.

Do you think you could do that?
 

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#4
A friend of mine actually threw me into the shower with my pyjamas still on at one point.
I wouldn't mind having a friend like that. Showering is what I've been trying to get myself to do recently, but every time I'm in the bathroom I can never bring myself to actually get in and do it. I stand there for ages trying to convince myself, reminding myself of the good reasons for it, but so far it has always ended with me giving up and leaving it for another time.
 

BraveFace

SF Supporter
#6
you are important, it's just that right now you don't remember it.
Showering too for me was a tough one - still can be. Do it with small steps. Start off just standing under the shower and letting the hot water run washing mabe just the top half *shy. The heat will ease your muscles and the smell of the shower gel will perk you up. Then have a nap, cos you'll wake up knowing you have already done it :)
 

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#8
It's pretty much impossible for me to do something without thinking. When there's nothing to distract me, I'm basically guaranteed to overthink. That's one of the main reasons I struggle getting to sleep, as my brain goes through everything I hate over and over until it can't anymore.

Showering doesn't feel all that good and the good feeling I get from being clean is always very temporary. I can't force myself to do it. I just can't.
 

Sunspots

Daydream Believer
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#9
I know it's hard. There's really no magic trick to it or words anyone can say to make it better.
It really is a case of forcing yourself to do it. Count to three and jump in. Of course the good feeling of being clean is only temporary - that's why we have to do it again. At first you'll need to make yourself do it but after a while it becomes a habit and you won't even need to think about it, it will just be an automatic thing you do. But in the meantime, yeah, you've got to force it.

You can do it. It's just water. I dare you.
 

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#10
I know it's hard. There's really no magic trick to it or words anyone can say to make it better.
It really is a case of forcing yourself to do it. Count to three and jump in. Of course the good feeling of being clean is only temporary - that's why we have to do it again. At first you'll need to make yourself do it but after a while it becomes a habit and you won't even need to think about it, it will just be an automatic thing you do. But in the meantime, yeah, you've got to force it.

You can do it. It's just water. I dare you.
I've come to realise in my time on here that every issue requires me to force myself to do something, either to kickstart the process of getting better or to outright sort it out. The thing is though, at least for this particular issue, I have forced myself to do it before. Multiple times. Doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, the meetup in London and then again when I went out to meet someone. In all of those times, it didn't take much effort at all to get in and do it; almost the complete opposite of how it feels now. It seems like I genuinely need a reason other than just because it's a good thing to do. I don't know, I just feel like a madman at this point.
 

Sunspots

Daydream Believer
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#11
You're not a madman.

Okay, so it's not necessarily the showering itself, it's having a reason to.

Do you meet up with any of your friends? Could this become a more regular thing? Could you meet for a coffee or a drink a couple of times a week? Or even chatting with them on Skype or zoom etc, rather than gaming where you don't see each others faces.

I know it's a hard thing to talk about irl and I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents but could you ask them for help with this? Maybe you could go out once or twice a week with them somewhere. It seems like getting outside with other people might be the impetus you need.

When we're not being seen by anyone it's really easy to slip into not caring about yourself because nobody's gonna know right?
 

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#12
All of my friends are online and they rarely speak to me in general. Even if we were closer in that sense, none of them are close enough in terms of physical distance. As for video chat (I'm assuming that's what you meant) I'm far too scared to do something like that. I can't even do voice chat with people I'm close with, not that I really have anyone I'm close enough with these days anyway.

Asking my parents for help would be another thing I'd struggle with forcing myself to do. It shouldn't be the case, but even asking them to set up appointments for me tends to make me feel bad. I guess it's just the thought of them doing more for me when they already do enough as it is. I also have no idea how they would react, which makes it worse.

It's true that not being seen makes it easier to stay like this, but I actually do get seen every day... every day that I come out of my room, anyway. My dad and one of my older brothers used to tell me that I should wash, but they gave up after a little while and now it's like they've just accepted it as how I am or whatever. No real clue of what they think, honestly, as my family has never been good at talking about things, especially when it comes to mental issues. I don't know if any of them would understand, but I'm too scared to talk about any of it to find out.
 
#13
I'm not important enough
I think you're a good person, it's just that you don't realize it.
It's pretty much impossible for me to do something without thinking. When there's nothing to distract me, I'm basically guaranteed to overthink. That's one of the main reasons I struggle getting to sleep, as my brain goes through everything I hate over and over until it can't anymore
A meditation practice might help a lot. A member here has recommended an app called "Insight Timer". I think it has some guided meditations for self-esteem, and others.

I hope something can help

Hugs
 

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#14
I think you're a good person, it's just that you don't realize it.

A meditation practice might help a lot. A member here has recommended an app called "Insight Timer". I think it has some guided meditations for self-esteem, and others.

I hope something can help

Hugs
I'm generally nice to people and try to help if I feel like I can, but that's about it for what I could consider good.

If by app you mean iOS/Android, I can't do that. I have an iPod Touch but there's an issue with my Apple ID, so I can't sign in to it and without it I can't get any apps from the app store.
I remember trying meditation for my sleep a while back, but if it made a difference it wasn't a noticeable one. Maybe I didn't stick to it long enough, or I didn't go in with the right mindset, but I don't know. I've never been good with my emotions and controlling them. Getting into a relaxed state almost seems like the stars have to align first sometimes.
 
#15
I remember trying meditation for my sleep a while back, but if it made a difference it wasn't a noticeable one. Maybe I didn't stick to it long enough, or I didn't go in with the right mindset, but I don't know. I've never been good with my emotions and controlling them. Getting into a relaxed state almost seems like the stars have to align first sometimes.
It usually takes a lot of practice to be able to meditate. In a state of deep meditation, there aren't any thoughts in your head. It's getting that state of concentration without thoughts that produces the benefits of meditation.

Even if you can't get an app, maybe members here can describe some meditation techniques.

One simple technique that I sometimes try is trying to imagine void, just blank space, then going one step beyond that. That is, void is not nothingness, it has color and space, and implicitly, there is an observer. Nothingness is like the candle of the mind has gone out, and there's no observer and nothing to be observed.

@Sunday16 may have some suggestions about meditation techniques.
 

Reaver

Well-Known Member
#16
I was afraid that would be the case. There’s always thoughts coming and going, good or bad. Something as simple as a single word can cause me to remember something and then that memory can often lead into more memories that may not even be all that relevant or they can make my mind start wandering, going into destructive “what if?” scenarios where I feel like I could have been so much better off if I had done things differently with whatever scenario I had gone to in my head.

I will give your technique a try and see how it goes. I am wondering though: is there any kind of preparation I should do? Any conditions necessary or at least helpful for it? I’d like to make sure that it doesn’t end up unknowingly sabotaged in some way.
 

Sunspots

Daydream Believer
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#17
There's quite a few guided meditations on YouTube.

I'm not good at proper meditation but I find the guided ones much easier. What I find helps me is to make the room dim and lie on the bed with my eyes closed. I normally start with a body scan as I find them really good for physically relaxing the body. Again you'll find these on YouTube - they generally get you to focus on one bit of your body at a time, tensing and relaxing it before moving on to the next.
Then I move on to a guided meditation. I normally try to find a beach themed one as I like the beach. I choose ones that are between 10 and 30 minutes long - any longer and I start getting twitchy.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#18
Something as simple as a single word can cause me to remember something and then that memory can often lead into more memories that may not even be all that relevant or they can make my mind start wandering, going into destructive “what if?” scenarios
Don't try to stop the thoughts, just watch them as they come and go without hanging on to them and being dragged away by them. It's helpful to see the thoughts as cars going by while you just stay still and watch them come and go, one by one. Meditation is standing still watching the cars go by instead of grabbing hold of their bumpers and getting dragged away by them. It is just observing or witnessing, being still, as you watch everything else come and go.

This will automatically slow the thoughts down until you notice the empty space between every thought. This is the thought free state of what's called just being or pure being, but some of the peacefulness of that state is felt as thoughts slow down.
 
#19
I will give your technique a try and see how it goes. I am wondering though: is there any kind of preparation I should do? Any conditions necessary or at least helpful for it? I’d like to make sure that it doesn’t end up unknowingly sabotaged in some way.
I think most meditation techniques encourage you to sit with your back straight. You could sit in a chair or on the floor, but lying down is ok too.

Any conditions necessary or at least helpful for it?
I guess if you pick a time and place where you could meditate peacefully, that is best. Early morning is a good time, but really any time is good. If you stick to meditating at that time and place, that will help you to associate it with meditation and maintain a regular practice.

Breathing slowly in and out through the nose seems to be generally favored.
I’d like to make sure that it doesn’t end up unknowingly sabotaged in some way.
There's no need to worry about this, and worrying as little as possible is probably best.

There are lots of different meditation techniques, so after a while you may find one that you like more than the others.
 

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