I don't care anymore!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Nov 4, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have been trying to stay positive, to no evail. The thoughts just don't go away. I have had my method for six years now and have been fighting from using it on a dailey basis!!
    I finally found a combo of meds that help and they have been taken away from me. My sister thought I was having side effects from my xanax, but I wasn't. The doctor just prescribed to high a dose for me. I cut them in half and they were fine just like that.
    I don't care about myself, I don't care that my daughter and grandaughter are here. I can't find anything to hold my interest. Everyone is pushing me to get off the meds and find a full time job. They have no clue that I am still just as depressed as day 1.
    The only thing that has eased up a little is my augoriphobia because my therapist has been working on that to get me out of the house. I don't give a shit. I am retreating back to my room, I can't do this anymore.
    Talking here on the forum has been good therapy for me, but I feel I am letting people down instead of helping them!! I don't want to fight anymore!! I just don't have it left in me. I will commit between now and the weekend. Life sucks. I have no friends in the physical world. Even when I did They were only there to get what ever they could out of me!! I don't have to put up with this shit. I can't beleive everyone thinks I am heald!!I guess it is my fault because I don't tell them anything that is happening with me. I want it to be over. If I disappear then you know I am gone!! Thank you all for the support and I'm sure you can use your time with others!!! ~Joseph~
     
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Joseph,

    I literally only have 2 secs to reply but I promise I will be back on later to write a more thorough reply.

    Please don't give up, you have been such a great help to me & a lot of other members, let us help you now.

    Please don't do anything to harm yourself. I will be back online in a few hours.

    Stay safe, Claire xx
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Joseph...you seemed to be managing much better before ppl stepped in to 'help' you..about taking meds...if you had a cardiac disorder you would take meds...why not with depression??? and about getting out..it takes practice, but you can do it...all the best, J
     
  4. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member


    Joseph you know I am here for you my friend. I won't let you go down without a fight! You mean alot to me! Lean on me my dear friend, anytime, day or night ..all day , all night ! Please don't give up! I am here , reach out to me. You know how to reach me!

    :hug:
     
  5. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Heya Joesph,
    Taking your meds is part of you, and if it is helping you, and if your therapist agrees with you and has suggested this to you, then I rekoon you should keep them up. I hope you dont follow through with your method, as you are a very good friend to me, and you have helped me, so I am going to help you as much as I can, even this is to just lend an ear x

    I hope yo do reconsider about commiting, and I hope you can think of your daughter & Grandaughter to help you, and pass over the thoughts even just a little bit.
    I know what you mean by the thoughts always in your head, but I cant understand completely, but I want to try. PM me anytime xx

    Xx Sky xX
     
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    Hi Joesph

    i hope you can find the strength to carry on trying mate, please don't go thru with your method, don't worry about trying to help others on here right now, we understand and now is the time for us to help you, help you get back to being positive.
    you have never let anyone down on here so please don't think that, you are a welcome part of our ' family ' and you will be sorely missed.

    if you feel better on the meds then carry on with them, put yourself first and your own safety, if others don't understand then ok, tell them or dont tell them but as long as you are know the meds help then stick with it.

    i know its been a long time but depression is a long fight, you have done great to get this far, if you need us to let us help with your burden for a while.

    please take care :hug:
     
  7. FallingStar

    FallingStar Member

    Joe,
    Get rid of ALL of those thoughts, about the method about when you plan to do it EVERYTHING. You are better then that! I know its hard after a certain point time of people telling you shit you start to beleive it and it is hard to re adjust. You DO have the stregnth in you to fight this!!! Everyone on here does. They just don't know how to find it. Which is why you are surrounded with more people then you realized willing to help push you in the direction to help you find this stregnth and help you heal. It takes time, more then just 5 or 10 years. The only time to give up is when you feel like you are not better then that. Think about that sentence and think really hard about it. I may be very young and the differnce of JUST me alone is not going to help you much. In fact the only person who can truly help you is you! PM, me back when you get this. This is my reply. I am trying but I am afraid that is all I can do.
     
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for caring. You will have to excuse me but I am a little drunk right now. I don't drink and I just decided today was a good day to get drunk...I just want to be numb right now!!!
     
  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey Joseph,

    I said I would be back :hug:

    Like J said, if you had a heart problem or you were diabetic then you would take meds for that so it is no different for depression.

    You need to take things at your own pace, you know how it can be with depression, 2 steps forward then 3 back. That's just the nature of depression & it's a shame that your family can't be a little more understanding. If the medication is working for you then stick to it, you have come so far recently & I would hate to see you lose it all over this. You say yourself that your agrophopia has eased up recently, perhaps within time the job, friends etc will follow.

    Don't feel guilty & think that things are your fault just because you don't tell your family anything.

    If you ever want to talk then I am here for you :hug:

    Please take care, Claire xx
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't go through with your suicide plan Joseph. :hug:
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you Claire but the meds are the problem. They have been taken away from me and they were working!!!This is the shits!!
     
  12. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Joseph -

    If we were to lose you, we'd lose one of the most encouraging members of this forum.

    One thing my sister told me when I started meds for depression was never to stop. I haven't voluntarily. One of my meds comes only in by mouth form, and anytime I'm in the hospital with an NG tube I can't take anything by mouth. Bad deal, for real. Withdrawal sends me to some strange places. And one time when I was in a mental health facility, the attending psychiatrist thought I was being overmedicated, so stopped all my meds. Stupid thing to do. They heard about it when I got home.

    My daughter takes medication daily for migraines. She hasn't had one nearly like she used to before medication. My wife takes estrase since having a hysterectomy. Neither of them intends to stop because they don't want to have to deal with the results.

    Medications for depression, PTSD, OCD, BP and anxiety disorder are ones I will happily take the rest of my life if they keep me away from being controlled by those mental illnesses. I don't really care that my wife doesn't like the one for OCD. It's doing its job, and I don't want to mess with it.

    I really hope that before you make a final move to die, you'll give all your meds the chance to do their jobs. They may not make you feel exhileratingly happy, but they do take the edge off. Obviously, from all you've said at sf, they have kept you going, and you consistently recommend a combination of meds and therapy. How about giving your recommendations a chance to help you? How about going through all your coping skills?

    You will be in my prayers.
    Jim
     
  13. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    nothing wrong with being drunk joe, theres a time and place and this is obviously the time.

    please keep on fighting these feelings and be strong
     
  14. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Who took your meds away Joseph?

    :hug:
     
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Joseph all you need to do is go back and read the posts you made to hundreds of threads here. Mine included. You may not ever get an answer or reply but you do help my friend. Just your pluck and determination are enough to show people that it can be done and that you love and care for the members here. Now let us do the same for you. As for your meds... did your doc or therapist take them away on your advice or someone elses. No one knows you like you do. I'm sure your professionals have seen the edge the meds have given you. Make an appointment to talk to these people again and tell them what a dive you have taken since they took you off. Just the withdrawl from them alone will send you bonkers. And keep coming here hun. Let us help you through the darkness and help you see the light again. You can do this..... because you are Josesh, you are important to your children, grandchildren, people here and you are a fighter. Keep fighting with lots of help from here.
     
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know it's been a stressful time having your daughter move in with you. don't forget that stress can do terrible things to us in our recovery. it can throw everything off kilter for a while.

    about the meds, time to call the psych and get an emergency appointment so that you can get back on the ones that work. only you know best what works for you, never mind what your sister says.

    and don't forget that you always have other options other than making an attempt. don't forget the hospital ER is always open and available to you. you have made that trip before and you can do it again, if things get really bad. they want to help you, as does your online family here. please don't give up. you have helped so many people here, me included, so now it's time to receive some help yourself. you are worth it. don't give up.
     
  17. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hey Joseph, If somone has stopped you getting your meds then you will not be thinking straight at the moment and if you are a non drinker who has now hit the booze that's going to make it even worse. Please don't do anything while you are in this state. You yourself say that the meds were helping. How come they have been taken away? That is so out of order and should not be allowed to happen. You were beating it mate. Don't give up now. As you say it is a slow process but you were even starting to get out of the house a bit. It's clear to me that there are a lot of people here in the forum who have a great respect for you. You are a great help to a lot of us. That's why you are going to get loads of replies to this. Hang on in there mate. I know that is going to be hard but you can do it. A lot of us will be pretty devastated if you dont. My thoughts are with you. PM me anytime.:sad:
     
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Claire, My sister called my doctor and told him I was having major side effects to my xanax. I was taking to high a dose, so I cut them in half and they were working.For the first time in years I had control over my anxiety. My doctor took what she said to him and cancelled my xanax and called the pharmacy and cancelled my refills.
    Because I felt comfortable about my anxiety being under control I let my guard down. Now that I am out of them all those thoughts I was keeping fenced up came rushing back. I have reverted back to not trusting ppl in the physical world. I know you all won't hurt me.
    I called my shrink to try and get a letter for my regular doctor to let him know it is o.k. to let me take the xanax but he hasn't bothered to call me back. It makes me feel like I don't matter!!!
    I hate this life, it really sucks big time. Because I have tried two times to commit, I am not afraid to end it. I am still trying to straighten this mess out. If they can't come around and see that it was working for me then it will be time to go!!! Thank you for your kind thoughts. I know I can lean on you all. And I have a couple of friends on the forum who are there for me anytime!!! Thanks Again!!~Joseph~~~
     
  19. Phoenix1985

    Phoenix1985 Well-Known Member

    Hi Joseph,
    You are such a wonderful support :hug:
    Please don't go through with commiting
    Be safe,
    Phoenix xx
     
  20. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Please don't do anything to harm yourself until this problem has worked itself out. I've experienced withdrawal symptoms from a SSRI and it felt horrible but when I was withdrawing from a benzodiazepine-it was really hell. Feeling betrayed, misunderstood and ignored was bad enough but the withdrawal symptoms have made this whole episode tremendously hard on you. We all understand the pain you are in and we are all behind you.

    Please go to an ER if you start to really believe the false temptation that you would be better off gone from this world. You are a genuinely kind-hearted human and you have a big following of admirers here. I hope this problem is resolved soon and you feel well again. Please stay calm, try to find hope and keep safe!

    :arms:
     
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