I dont care anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ket93, Feb 18, 2009.

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  1. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I cannot fully explain the way I feel right now or have felt for the last three days since me and my BF broke up. I have done nothing but cry, I have thought and felt like committing suicide several times. The only thing that has kept me going so far are my two girls. I know they need me. That is the hardest thing because I need to be here for them but I feel like I am not even strong enough emotionally or able to really be the kind of parent they need.
    I have seen a counselor a few times and she has prescribed some anti-anxiety meds for me. Along with something to help me sleep at night. But, I do not feel like it is helping and I do not even feel like myself anymore. I feel like I am not here. I feel like it is only my body that is here and my heart and soul and mind are gone. I dont know if that makes any sense.
    I know I have issues that I need to work on and that is what ultimately cause the breakup. He says he still loves me and that he just wants to take a break and let me get myself right and he just wants the person back that he fell in love with. But I feel like I will never be that person. I feel so devastated right now that I am not sure I can ever be happy again or even able to be with anyone again. Including him. I want to be with him more than anything in the world. But I am so afraid that because of all of my issues I will never be with him. I feel like I will either be alone the rest of my life or I will end up dead.
    He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am not sure I can face life without him. I know people get hurt all the time and get through it. I just do not know how or if I can. I know it is all still fresh, but I feel like the longer I go on without him, the more my heart is going to hurt. Not that it could really hurt anymore than it does right now. I just feel like I want to die. In some ways, I feel like I already have.
    I feel like I lost my best friend, I could tell him anything. I had told him things I never told anyone else. And he had told me the same thing. I felt like we were really meant to be. But I feel like I lost it all because of all my problems. I feel like the biggest loser in the world.
    The only thing I keep thinking is that with all the meds that my dr has given me and my sleeping pills, I feel like I could easily take them all and not think another thing about it. :sad:
    I really do not even know why I am here. I was on here a little before when we were having problems and sort of broke up but it was not like this. This is more permanent. And it feels like forever. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I wanted to grow old with him and share things with him. I just feel like my life will be nothing if I do not have him.
    I have not been able to work for two days. I have not been able to stop crying. I finally felt some better today only because I got a text from him asking if I was ok and he then later said he did still love me and just wanted the person he fell in love with again. But I feel like maybe that person is gone or maybe was never there. I feel like with time he will soon forget about me and move on and find someone better that he deserves. I feel like I am or never will be good enough for him. And that was part of my problem to start with.
    I feel like I have so many insecurity issues and that is a big part of what has caused us problems and why I always seem to want to walk away over what seems like nothing, but for some reason I let even the dumbest things bother me.
    The worst part of it all is that we had a good weekend, we spent Vday together and that night, then the next day was our one year anniversary. And that night is the night we broke up. I sort of broke up, even though deep down I did not want to. I just knew I was upset and did not want to fight with him so thought I would leave. But it upset him too much to just take me right back this time. I really hurt him. And that is what kills me the most, not only that I hurt him but I did it on our anniversary.
    I physically hurt. My hurt actually hurts and my body just feels numb. I do not want to even go to work tomorrow but I have to. I also have schoolwork and other stuff I have to get done, but I do not know how or if I can. I feel like all I want to do is lay here in my bed and just cry or sleep. That is what makes me feel best right now. Not that I feel good whatever I do, but at least I am ok when I am sleeping because I do not have to think about all of it...
    I know that more and likely most people will not care about what I have said because there are a million other stories out there like this or even worse. I know that no one should care because I did this to myself and cannot really ask for help.
    I just want to be happy again. Not just for him only, but myself. I feel like maybe one time I was happy, but I guess not...
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi.....i am sorry that you are in a very bad situation. and a personal 'shout-out', because i am from ky, but call ill. my home - indy was my '''middle-place'' for many happy years (now too far away to even think of it) i also can identify - because i have two daughters and recently my husband told me he no longer wanted to be married to me.

    i have gone through days like you are going through, now. our situations have some differences, but first i ask you to NOT be so hard on yourself, blaming yourself for 'hurting him'. all relationship problems stem from two sides.
    second and very important - it IS normal for you to feel this way right now. it is still very fresh. but - you can and you must - continue to work through it.

    last but the most important - is the fact of your two beautiful daughters. if you go - their lives will be forever damaged. you take way THEIR chance....you are and can still be, a good parent - you are simply a woman going through a really hard time and a heartbreak. that doesn't mean you cannot parent them.

    reach out here - s.f. saved my life - therefore i consider the friends here also saved the lives of my daughters - they helped secure better futures for them - simply by supporting me. . . so i , and many others, are here for you - talk to us, vent, sort it all out- it takes time - but hang on and know that it is worth it to go through the struggle.
    pm anytime you want to talk - i care what happens to you, and your kids..... :console:
  3. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for caring. I feel like nobody cares right now. I know that is not completely true. I do have two very good friends who care about me and I know I have probably put them through a lot in the last few days. But I know they care and that means a lot.
    I am sorry to hear about your situation. I believe that everything has a reason. My ONLY hope right now is that maybe this happened so that I would somehow get through it and get the help I need and get myself better. I know that somehow I need to carry on.
    It is so hard because I do love him so much. I know that people lose loved ones all the time and I know that somehow they get through it.. at least most of the time.
    It is funny how you mention your home was Indy for awhile, I live about 70 miles from there, but he lives right outside of it.
    At this point, I really just do not know what to do. I thought about starting a blog so I could try to keep track of all my feelings and thoughts and try to move forward each day. I really dont know if that will help or not but the only hope I have is that time will somehow help and I will move forward.
    Thank you for listening to me and please add me as a friend if you want.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Ket,
    Sorry. Iwrote out a whole reply to your thread and it disappeared in to cyberspace. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Is there any way you can get your boyfriend and the two of you see a therapist so you can work out these problems??
    I agree with the others that you need to be there for your daughters. You are everything to them in there eyes and hearts. No one can ever replace you.. Now I have forgotten what all I said previously because I am an old fart and have bad memory.
    You can get thru this if things don't work out. I know right now you don't beleive that but it is true. You need to learn to be intimate with yourself and be a little selfish so you can heal your heart. There are many caring people here at the forum and you can lean on us for support. If you are more comfortable talking one on one then you can PM any of us and we will be there for you!! Take care!!
  5. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    after this week I just feel like a horrible person and I feel like things will never change for me. I know that I always think negative about everything and that is one of my problems.
    I have been put on two different kinds of medicine in addition to the lexapro I was already taken, which was not doing much anyway. But I feel like it still doesnt help sometimes. Just like today, I took a sleeping pill and slept most the day.
    I have talked mostly only on text with him and he has said he still loves me and wants me in his life but that it just cant be like it was with us always fighting. Which we werent fighting all the time but we did have problems. Now tonight I was chatting with him online and he said that he felt like we both needed more time and that me going to counseling was just the first step. That things have to be different before there can be a chance. But like I told him, how can I show him they can be different if we arent together anymore.
    I know I am being impatient and I know I need to give it more time. I just feel so miserable and lonely now and feel like the longer time goes by he will just end up moving on and finding someone else.
    I was happy with him. I just was not able to show it. I am starting to realize and understand that I have deeper problems from as far back as when I was a young girl and I have dealt with a lot of rejection and abandonment and have been depressed for a long time. So I guess I feel like I will never be able to show him I can be better and change. I guess I feel like I dont even have faith in myself that will happen in time for there to be a chance for us again.
    All I know is that I cant go on without him. I know everyone keeps telling me it will be ok and even if you dont get back together you will make it. But how do they really know? How do they know how I really feel in my heart and mind? I feel like I have dealt with so much in my life already for so many years that this will be the end of me and I feel like in some ways it already is.
    I feel like I have lost everything I had. I feel like he was my best friend, everything to me. And he seems like he dont really care even though he has said this is hard on him too. But I feel like I am the one who is dieing here. Not him. I am sure he would have no problem if we did not get back together.
    I just want to take all my sleeping pills and not wake up. I feel like there is no chance for me and him. And in the meanwhile my life is going downhill.
    I cannot concentrate at work. I cannot study on my school work. I just feel like this is hurting everything in my life. I feel like I am not even here. I am just here physically but not mentally.
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