K. I'm sorry that I won't tell you about myself. It's just my way. This way when you leave me I can feel safe that you can't hurt me. G. I'm sorry that I was so brutal about how I felt for you. I couldn't take it. I'd fuck anyone else up that did that to you, so what do I do when its you? I told you that, I'm only tender for moments and brutal the rest. I don't understand beauty because I've never understood tragedy. Women drive me crazy. So why am I calling P. when i know I want to find something with K.? I need to slow down and calm down to find out what I want to do in this life. "I'm just wondering we came from a woman, is another woman really the answer?" i feel sick because I'm so fucking pathetic. I don't deserve anything that I have. I don't deserve my family, friends, anyone. I do not want it anymore. I don't want this life. I need to get the fuck away from everyone I know. The only person I actually liked talking to on here left, and now I've made that situation worse . . . . I like to burn bridges as I go through life; so why does this one hurt? Probably because I didn't get a chance to burn the bridge first. . . . There is something someone once told me, that violence is the only pure form of communication. I want to be free of feeling guilty for everything I've done . . . I can't admit all my failures, but I'd like it not matter at all. I can't care for you I can't, I'm selfish, mean, egotistical. I am "Them". I'd rather be the "other" then the "us". I can't stand you and your fucking emotional bullshit. . . . I don't mean acting like it never happened (only idiots say "I'm over it"), I mean accepting it learning to live with the facts of life. I don't mean to be mean, but I don't know how to tell you that life is pain and shit. I've never faced much tragedy. So I don't have the tact to tell you how your suffering changes you for the better. I've only faced a treacherous mind deceitful desires and hate. I don't know, can't know what its like to recover from rape, or childhood abuse. I have an imagination, but that only goes so far. Why keep going? Because with life comes the small beautiful moments. Lying in bed next to someone you care for (maybe even love) and you can feel them breath and their heart beat in your hand their smell making you burn . . . Or, laughing with people watching the sun rise . . . Talking with someone who bears their soul right to you and you feel it naked in your hand alive and free. When you experience your innocence at it's most vulnerable and most precious moment of realization. That sharp pain of loss and utter joy of relief at the moment of death of a loved one suffering. Breaking a window and watching it spiderweb. For the most part life is boring; life is the tedious moments between school and work. Because in death we'd only find nothing or jealousy of the living. I don't know if they post this, but hey, its what I think. I should say good-bye too, but i can't. I feel at home here still even if that feeling is weakened by my friend leaving. Hopefully, I'll make some more. I don't mean to be mean, I really don't. I'm just trying not to care so much, its dangerous. Didn't you know? This won't get posted for hours and no one will really care.