I don't deserve to be alive...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Dec 12, 2007.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Sorry, this is gonna be a bit of a rant...
    I am still waiting for a reply from my best friend about going to counselling once with me. I'm not gonna get it. She's not gonna come, and she's not gonna reply.
    She's convinced I'm abusive. So is my mom. My counsellor's convinced that both of them are, but I don't believe her. I'm the problem. Everyone's just better off without me around. I'm always going to end up hurting the people I love and I don't deserve to be around other people. I can't even really understand how I'm abusive, thats what a piece of shit I am. I just wanna shoot something up and pass out and die.
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Don't say that please you aren't a waste you do matter please try and hang on,what is getting to you so much please talk to me.I understand exactly how you're feeling and what you're saying,I know it's really tough.
  3. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I can't change anything - I can't not be abusive - because I don't know how I am. There's NOTHING I can do about it because I don't understand and no one will help me understand. Everyone just blames everything on me and says I deserve it because I'm abusive.
    Or, on the other side, they're totally convinced that I never could be.
    I can't fix myself. The longer I stay here, the more people's lives I'm going to fuck up. I'm never going to be any good to anyone. The nicest thing I could do would be to disappear - to die.
    But then I keep being surround by these amazing people, and I know that as much as I love them and want to be around them, doing that is just going to fuck them up in the end. Even just reaching out for someone when I'm upset, I'll just end up screwing them over eventually. I'd be better off dying and saving them the trouble.
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    You say you're abusive can I ask in what way please?One thing that is difficult is to change I know what you're saying.
  5. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: change is hard but saying u need help is the first step and the hardest, i want u to know i'm here anytime u wanna talk.
  6. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    If you want to talk anytime luv I'm here too.

    You're not a waste. No-one is no matter what. Please, don't think you are or believe what others think about you. Talk to us, let us help you through. Please?


    Take care and keep strong,
  7. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Ace - emotionally. My friend's issue is that she says she's unhappy about something, or something's my fault, and she feels like I say "well I did this because you did that" and blame it on her. Once she said that, I realized that occasionally I do do that, and since I've done everything I can to make sure I don't, but then she said thats not the real issue and she's not speaking to me.
    She and I have some rather large issues. Last spring she almost left because I wasn't telling her absolutely everything about what was going on in my life and how I was feeling. I tried to be more open with her. Over the summer, she invited me to live with her and her family because I had nowhere to go, but once I got down there she wanted nothing to do with me because (and she said this) I wasn't ok. I left for a week to go to my bro's graduation and got an email about how nice it was NOT to have me there. And then at the end of the summer she asked me to leave a week early just cuz she didn't want me there and also said she wouldn't have much time to talk to me when she got back to school. I disappeared for like 4 hours that night (I just started walking, I'm not even totally sure where I went cuz I was so upset) came back and we talked. She said she was really sorry for having been a bitch all summer, asked if we could try again with a clean slate (she was still mad about the me not telling her things issue). I said ok, she went to school and I was lucky to hear from her once a week. This was the girl who I've talked to every night for 2-3 hours for the past 2 years.
    I said I wanted more, she basically told me I should be grateful she was talking to me as much as she was. Apparently tried to give me more, but I never totally saw/appreciated it. She would complain that I basically didn't trust her, or that I was left wondering if she was (still) avoiding me (after the summer - she spent the entire time I was there in her room with the door closed) and thats the kinda stuff where I'd say that I wouldn't be having those doubts if she hadn't avoided me all summer (which she did say she'd done).
    In retrospect, that wasn't cool of me at all. I shouldn't have brought her into it, and I've done everything I can to try NOT to make comments like that. After she said she thought I was being abusive, every time I've written her an email, I've reread it several times, over the course of a couple of days, to make sure I'm NOT doing that before I send it.
    But apparently thats not even the real issue????
    And later she was mad because I said it was going to take two of us to make this relationship work, and to her apparently that just means that I think she's not doing anything. And she won't talk to me.
    I can't fix myself, I don't even really know whats wrong with me. I mean, I already tried to fix everything I know how, but apparently its not even the real issue. I want to die so that I don't hurt anyone else, but I promised her a looonnnngggg time ago that I'd tell her if I was ever thinking about doing anything. I don't know if I still should, since she obviously doesn't want to hear from me. And she's 5 hours away, all she could possibly do would be call the cops if I was about to do something. I don't think telling her would help at all - if anything that'd make me the baby looking for attention in her eyes.
    I just want to kill myself before someone else gets hurt because I'm here. I got needles and a syringe yesterday. I'll have poison in the next few days. But I'm still scared (mainly that I'll fuck it up), and I still don't know if I should say anything to her, and I'm making myself wait until at least the 18th cuz I figure that'll be easiest for everyone else (end of finals, I'll be leaving school and going I don't know where yet, but no one will expect to see me for a while).
    I don't think I can get through this.
  8. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    many people would love to have a friend like you and your friend is taking this for granted. I wish i had a friend like you, sorry to hear you have had such a hard time.. You have done everything to help her, and all the things she has said to you, are awful and abusive... it is abusive to say i am glad your gone just to hurt you... all that stuff is abusive good luck hope you are feeling okay today there are other friends you know.. that would appreciate you better. sorry to hear about your situation honey...
  9. PontyCruizer

    PontyCruizer Well-Known Member

    she needs her head testing - are you in love with this girl?
    if not, and shes 5 hours away and you only hear from her 4-5 times a month,

    why dont you look for a lass close to you than can make you smile and have a laugh cos im sure she wont say your abusive - you seem nice to me mate-

    take care
  10. Urd

    Urd Member

    Have you talked to her about it? (Like sit down and really share how your feeling and get everything out without interruptions and then she shares how she feels about it.)

    Sometimes the problems lie in misunderstanding, we try to feel what someone else is feeling but it is a difficult thing to do, so sometimes what happens is that we come to misunderstood conclusions about a situation. For example her misintrepretation when she thought you were telling her that she wasn't putting enough in the relationship when you told her a relationship needed two people for it to work.

    Another thing that may be possible is that sometimes, the whole problem has gotten entangled and maybe you two just need some time to clear your heads Maybe right now there is A LOT of bottled up emotions and what needs to happen is rather then poking and proding at it by mistake, these emotions just need to calm down and be released. Perhaps if anything maybe its time for another friend, not saying you should give up on the problem but let it repair itself rather then let the mess get deeper and messier.

    I can only suggest, because I can't truly understand what she or you may be feeling but I want to say that you honestly seem to care. You care, don't you? Don't let emotions push you down from the solution, don't let yourself give up, find the answers, find out what you can do because you can do something, because you care.

    What do you really want?
    And what are you willing to do to get it?
  11. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Ponty - I'm a girl, we're best friends. I'm not in love with her, but I love her as if she were my sister. I care for her very very deeply. And in a lot of ways, her family became my family. Only now I don't think its appropriate for me to be talking to them either.

    Urd - Yeah, I've tried to talk to her about it. Face to face isn't possible because of the distance, but I've called, I've emailed, and I've IMed. Basically for a while she would listen but refused to respond. Then she actually did talk with me, but it sucked to no end because I went into the conversation very careful not to say anything negative about her and not to say anything in my own defence (since one of her issues is that she thinks I won't take blame/she says that I've done something that upsets her and I say that I did it because of something she did). And she totally laid into me and tore me apart both times. After the second time, I sent her an email saying I didn't think that was cool (she'd made a commment about my mom, which is totally not cool) and she emailed back saying that yeah, she'd screwed up, but she'd felt threatened so she was justified. I was very careful NOT to say anything against her. And now she won't talk to me at all.

    Even if I'm not the problem, I'm just gonna end up in relationship after relationship like this. Seriously, the only kind of a future I've got is getting like beaten to death by some guy some day. In my mind, its better to be my own victim than someone else's.
  12. alice0705

    alice0705 Well-Known Member

    I second the space thing. Sometimes things get so messed up, you just have to get some distance and come back to talk later.

    PLUS, do not make the mistake of saying that since this is not working out, it is your fault, your character, your actions. It sounds like you are really trying. Maybe she is too, but you are just not right for each other at this time. Maybe you are right for each other too, because I do not have all the details but just know, if it keeps feeling like a major ordeal to communicate, maybe you have another someone out there to find. Someone who is a better fit.
  13. Urd

    Urd Member

    A warning about watching what your say, its not a good thing, because all the holding back may build up tension that releases at the bad time, which also is a cause of misunderstanding. At the same time I understand, all your doing is trying to be kind, all your trying to do is show her how much you care and it is difficult when all that happens is more problems but don't worry. It'll WILL be okay, things work themselves out in mysterious manners and if you've tried all you can all you can do is wait.

    But also, I recommend face to face, confrontations can then be made, and no one needs to back down or hold back. There are two options to let it all out, so both views are clearly expressed to prevent her to misunderstand what your trying to do and vice versa, if anything when she argues its only anger talking, she doesn't mean to but it happens anyways.
  14. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know holding back might not be the best plan, but from my point of view its better than lashing out at someone.

    The rest of it hardly matters anymore. I've screwed things up to the point that I doubt I'll ever hear from her again. I suck at friendships, and I suck at life in general. The nicest thing I can do I not be around.
  15. PontyCruizer

    PontyCruizer Well-Known Member

    sorry, didnt realise you was a girl -

    it seems to me that you are making all the moves to be bestest mates again - it sounds like this other lass just isnt intersted nomore - that makes it HER problem and NOT YOUR FAULT - you dont sound abusive to me - u do not suck at freindships

    you say you spoke all the time for 2 years - then when you went to her house SHE ignored you. SHE stayed in her bedroom - YOU tried to make it work - YOU tried to sort any problems out - SHE didnt want to know,

    thats NOT your fault hun - she isnt replyin to your emails etc and is really being distant with you........maybe she is going through something in her life that is fucking with her head - dont blame her for being such a cow to you - just give her space till she needs you - has she got a b.f? maybe she cant get online as much.....people change as they get older, get more hobbies/interests - maybe you can take something up ? what are you into?
  16. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Not having something to do is not my problem. I'm pulling 18 credits and working 15 hours a week, VP of my one club and member of an Aikido dojo. And she's had things fuck with her before - she's been through the whole suicide thing and the mental health system. She'd get distant sometimes, but never like this. What started as her not having time for me is now her refusing to talk to me because she thinks I invalidate her feelings, or because she feels threatened despite everything I've done to try to make sure she doesn't feel that way.

    I think I AM the problem, but I can't explain how to anyone and no one else believes me. No one else sees that. So I can't even fucking fix myself because I don't even know whats wrong with me. I'd rather kill myself than take the risk that I am possibly doing to her or anyone else what was done to me (the emotional abuse). I know how bad that feels on the other end. Its not worth taking the risk that I'm doing it to someone else. I really have nothing to live for right now, but that is almost worth dying for.

    On the one hand, I'm at peace with that decision. On the other, the actual process of killing myself scares the shit out of me, and I don't know if its something can pull off.
  17. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    firstly.. you DO deserve to be alive.. you wouldn't of been given life if you weren't?? don't think that! i've been through similiar issues with a bestfriend.. and it's one of the hardest things. you can't blame everything on yourself. you're NOT the problem.. you say you can't see what's wrong with you but you still the problem.. trust me you're not! this is just one of the many shit things that happens in life.. but i can say it's probably going to work out somehow.. but i know it's really hard to deal with.. you just have to.. try to move on? know you're better off without somethings that's hurting you so bad.. friends aren't supposed to hurt you so much.. or you can try to fix it.. somehow.. you'll work it out.. but i think for now maybe you should try give her space and look after yourself.. and see if SHE tries to make contact with you.. see how much your friendship means to her.. i hope i made some sense!
  18. emptyheart

    emptyheart New Member

    Well I can relate to feeling like I don't deserve to be alive. I want to die every single day. My husband is chronically, slowly terminally, ill. He is now beginning to have some dementia. I am so angry. I feel trapped here with him. I hate it here. but I promised him I would never leave. And I won't. So I have all these feelings. I feel guilty because he can't help what is happening to him. I am also bipolar so emotional stress just exacerbates that. And to top it off, I had an affair a year ago - it ended last spring with some horrible consequences for me (yes my husband knows and has totally forgiven me). I hadn't had sex in 10 years and I was and am so lonely. I got involved with this guy - my best friend's husband - he didn't give a shit about me. Yet I miss him and I miss him and I cry and cry and I miss her because of course it destroyed my friendship with her. Its like I can't accept its over. Or I just long for something that once made me happy. I don't know. All I know is that I am profoundly depressed. I take a lot of medication. I just want to be dead. I don't want to be here anymore. I pray that God takes me. And I am an addict/alcoholic in recovery - and there is so much major pain medication here.
  19. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like your friend is just very sensitive. Maybe she takes your words out of context and then to her it seems as if you're being abusive when you aren't really? Either way, if you're not doing it on purpose, it isn't your fault. You sound like you're very concerned about your friend, that fact alone makes you a good friend, regardless of how other people interpret whatever you say and do. The world would be a better place with more people like you in it, so please don't leave.
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