I dont deserve to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eyehateme, Dec 13, 2012.

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  1. eyehateme

    eyehateme Member

    Its so funny how the simplest things really can push u over the edge. So Ive been on a kiss ass tip since i came out of the hospital in Feb. and it went into over drive in Aug. when my husband decided he didn't want to be with me any more. So I do what ever he ask no matter what, no matter the time no matter how loud or mean he says it, i do it. To me i deserve it and he is paying for the roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back so i really don't have a choice. The alternative would be to force my kids to have to live in a shelter and that they don't deserve, so right now hes allowing me to live with him, free room and board and food. Now the things I do for him.....nothing has changed. I still do everything that i did for him the entire relationship. I was raised by a woman born in 1921, married to her first love and they were together for 52 years until he passed away, my grand parents. She was the ultimate house wife and this was at a time when there was no vacuum cleaners, washing machines or microwaves and she made it all look so easy from what Ive been told, so i grew up my whole life wanting to be just like her so when we first moved in together so it started. I was going to work every day but my rules were the same. He never had to cook, clean, do laundry or anything in the house. To me hes my king and he should be treated as such so he should never have to do anything once he gets home cause what king does? So fast forward 11 years to today and ever since he said he doesn't want me anymore i have kicked things into high gear. He changed positions at work so he gets up at 4:30am and i get up and make his breakfast and pack his lunch bag and give him his bag as he walks through the door, most of the time he doesn't even look at me as he takes it and leaves. When I first started doing that he would hug me and kiss me goodbye. I clean the house everyday while hes gone. His bed had to be made and the floor has to be clean so that when i take off his shoes and socks and he puts his foot on the floor there's no crumbs under them. He takes off his clothes and just throws them anywhere but i pick them up cause im suppose to ( he never use to do that before). when i hear the car pull up I start the microwave cause his dinner is in there ready and waiting so that by the time hes undressed, I have it waiting for him on the table with his drink of choice (non alcoholic). I usually get sent to get refills about 4 times but that's normal. He always plays his PS while he eats (and i have to sit and watch, also new) and when hes done about 2 hours later he gets up and says turn that shit off. I then clear his stuff and wash them and do anything else that needs to be done before i go upstairs for the night. I then turn on the shower and set water temperature, put toothpaste on his toothbrush and call him. I then bathe him, dry him, lotion his skin, give him a full body massage, go and get him a midnight snack and his glass of water and leave and go my room. The up side is that the kids have no idea that we are separated. We don't hug and kiss any more and im waiting for my very smart 7 year old to start asking questions cause we have always been affectionate and they are the same way. He has never blew up at me in front of them but the completely ignoring me is insane. Now all the things that i do i have always done and i made it that way cause i wanted to serve him and he always appreciated it and appreciated me but now hes made it ugly cause now he sees it as i have to cause im his bitch. im living for free since i lost my job last year and i really don't have a choice. Now the sex, or lack there of, I knew this man was my forever person cause the affect he has on my body doesn't make sense. An orgasm is always guaranteed and multiple happens without even trying. He is so fine and is always walking around with his boxers after the kids are asleep and i cant touch him. He hasn't made love to me in forever and once a month or so when he feels like it, its from behind with no emotion and i feel like a prostitute cause its so emotionless, no touching, kissing just in, out and leave. I have to pretend in my head that we are role playing just so i don't start crying I cant drive so i don't go any where and im home with my 3 year old all day, go and get my daughter from school and that's it. That's all i do with my life. Cook, clean, take care of the three of them and do it again the next day. i want to die so badly it crazy. they deserve a better mom and i cant be what they deserve. I want my kids to be happy but the only thing in my life that i have ever been good at is fucking up. There should be a degree for that cause i know i would have a PHD. Y am i still breathing?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well h un YOU have the power here you need to leave simple as that call someone a relative womens shelter take your kids and leave YOU are not an object a slave you are a person who has rights YOU need to get the courage now to pack up your things as hard as it may be it has to be done so you can restart your life with some dignity and pride ok

    NO more of this hun YOu get yourself out of there
     
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