I don't deserve to live.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pervert, Sep 12, 2007.

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  1. Pervert

    Pervert New Member

    I don't know if this will trigger anyone. If you have strong feelings about child abuse, or if you've been abused, I don't recommend reading this. Really. Stop now.

    I don't know if I'm breaking rules. I've been banned from forums for posting things like this before. They think I'm a predator, a rapist, how insulting that I'm here on a forum where people have been hurt and abused. Hopefully, if there's any way for me to maintain a happy and legal life, I'll find out how here. If not, I'll go ahead and end it.

    I'm 15 years old. Female. Bi-Sexual. Two years ago I figured out I'm attracted to Children. Eventually I figured out I'm primarily attracted to Children. This means I find Children more attractive than any Teen or Adult you could throw at me, but occasionally still find Teenagers or Adults attractive. Usually when they're Child-like.

    I've never broken the law.

    How did it come about? It just did. I haven't been abused. I hate pornography. I just... figured it out. I wouldn't wish this on myself. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

    Well, why don't you just cure it? I've tried. The therapy made me feel horrible. Like a monster, a ticking time bomb. It made my urges worse. I never want to go back to that, EVER. Go out with people my age? I've tried. It's uncomfortable. Forced. Their personalities are alright, but I think they're ugly. Intimacy never works. Even the relationships with Child-like teens don't work. It's not the same, it's never enough.

    Having a relationship with a Child is obviously not an option. A child's sexuality and mine are entirely different. A child wants affection, attention, a friend. I want a companion, an outlet, a happy life. The two wants don't mix. A relationship with a child would never work. I'd hurt her. That's the last thing I want.

    I've attempted suicide twice before. Once after a therapist appointment. Once yesterday. I'm thinking about trying again.

    I feel like the Monster society says I am. I feel trapped. I feel like there are two sides of me, the side attracted to Children, and the side that I put up for other people. It hurts that I have to hide this from society...

    My friends know, but they don't UNDERSTAND. My mom knows, insists its a perversion, a mental problem. Maybe it is. I don't know...

    I won't be happy in a normal relationship. Asking me to be in a relationship with a Teenager or Adult is like asking a Straight man to go out with another man. It's not going to happen.

    But I can't be in a relationship with a Child, and there's no successful support system for "Paedophiles" that haven't offended.

    What's the point? If this keeps going on, I'll end up hurting someone. It's best for everyone, especially Children, if I end it NOW.

    I'll bet all of you agree I deserve to be dead.
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i for one do not agree that you deserve to be dead...

    please dont hurt yourself? you can pm me if you want to talk at anytime..
  3. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    i too dont think u deserve to die. what you said is a big thing. there will be people here against it but i for one will try my best to support you. if you ever need someone to talk to then you can pm me. it must have taken some courage to admit this. i understand that you must live in a society that is against you and i imagine you must feel alone. also i noticed you are quite young, this could be something that changes as you get older, as your hormones change.

    Here always

    Clare x
  4. asvt

    asvt Well-Known Member

    When I started to read your post I wanted to kick your ass for even thinking such things but the fact that you are fighting it shows a real sense of moral. The fact that you are willing to end your life to protect others is very courageous of you, but this does not mean that you should. Take pride in knowing that you are fighting this thing and know that you have my deepest respect and support. all the best to you.
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    i dont think you deserve to be dead. mind if i call you T?(last letter of your picked user name)

    T, maybe if you can someday, try to look at the reasons why you might find this form of affection deeper. I know that certain feelings really really tread in deep waters, and if they arent seen from the point(s) they originiated from, (or from the innocent concept or feeling that they are) they become somewhat twisted and combine with quick assumptions or aspects that relate to them.

    Sometimes we see something in a certain situation or aspect, that touches us. It's not exactly the entire situation or aspect, but merely a single part of it that ignites our attention,while the rest might disgust or confuse us.

    T, it is wrong to ever do anything to a child, they are innocent, the free life before whatever it is we as people of responsiblity and society become.

    Perhaps, you need to look deeper into this, maybe you're falling short of what you truly are attracted to, and landing on the generalized aura of a child.

    You have to start finding the strength to talk to your inner self about this T, because you are worth it. So you can repell these feelings and see the truth.

    Feelings are abundent in us T, and we can follow them blindly if we are not careful.

    Perception is a great awarness of our exsistence, and sometimes we become aware of certain feelings in ourselves, ignited by aspects in others or other situations. Sometimes, these simple little aspects grow beyond the simlpe nature that they are, being fed by external sources that corrupt and twist the natural free flow that they are. Sometimes, our own apparent natural flow is out of balance due to certain forms of neglect and pain we have suffered in the past.

    T, you don't deserve to die.

    Maybe you need to look deeper into why, once you truly realize this is not right.

    Maybe you are falling short on defining your feelings and landing on this T. just because you can flow into a territory everyone completley fears, doesn't mean you are what they fear. But you need to address these feelings, and you are.. I hope you hold true to that honesty and commitment you have made to protecting children, and inevitably, yourself T. Don't give up.
  6. faceshed

    faceshed Active Member

    I did some reading after seeing this.
    It seams there are some people that suport this as a sexual orentation like being gay or whatever- I had no idea.
    I don't dare to post and links (sorry) but I found some people that use abstinence to live peacefully without harming others because they don't bleave they can change.
    I hope this helps you.

    I'll keep reading for a bit so feel free to pm me if you want to talk in privet.
  7. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    i as well do not believe that you should be dead.

    while your thoughts can be considered 'wrong' or a 'perversion'
    if it is making you feel the need to kill yourself to prevent it then you have more perspective on the consequences if you did act on your feelings.

    sometimes we cant help to think the things that we do, but i truly believe that you can find peace within yourself and find a way to move past these feelings (which i know arent a phase or whatever) and figure out a way to live more easily without acting on them...

  8. ybt

    ybt Guest

    There was already a thread about this. It ended up with half of fucking SF viciously attacking the user, showing no sense of intelligence whatsoever, even on a support site. So you lot, don't you dare think about starting. One of the posts has already been pretty edgy. So SHUT UP before it starts. PLEASE.
  9. ybt

    ybt Guest

    I also find it very interesting how it's assumed, i'm not even attracted to children, but I find it amazing how people can assume it's all right to have these feelings... as long as you don't act upon them, and fight to get rid of them. I understand a fair number of users on this board have a bad history where this is concerned, but keep your personal history out of it, not all attractions imply something, it's like saying all gay people molest children against their will, which is simply ridiculous. A group of people is not out to force sex upon a child, and I personally think that if it's consensual, it's unusual and I find it weird, but that there's no problem with it...

    I'm sure I'm going to be attacked for this post now.
  10. ybt

    ybt Guest

    And before you think of attacking me, I'm not saying anything inflammatory or brash, I'm expressing an opinion, so don't you dare start...
  11. ybt

    ybt Guest

    Edit: I just realized that the OP doesn't actually want relations, I didn't realize that before, but the same basic idea applies.
  12. asvt

    asvt Well-Known Member

    sorry if my post is the edgy one it was not my intention to offend
  13. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    P, I know that you deserve to live. The courage you show, and the willingness for sacrifice is incredibly noble.

    But that does not believe that you should end your life. I've read somewhere on here that perhaps it is some sort of confusion in your head... it could be the case. You're still young, hormones can change...

    I apologize for the word choice. I'm not at my best right now either.

    Whatever the case may be, we are here for you. Take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2007
  14. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    The very fact you havent done anything and had the guts to tell people about all this is such a good thing. Only idiots should think you a monster for the thoughts you face. Is it any more different then a gay person being unable to think about having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex?

    I am not sure of any cure for you but I did pick up about the paragraph you wrote:

    It seems to me that you might need to think back to your own childhood and see the effects it had on you. It maybe that you relate to the children through this and you feel safer with them. Or maybe you feel very submissive with adults and feel you can be safer with children. These are both maybe's but I bet they are worth thinking about.
    I for one do not think you a pervert. We can't always help our sexual urges and I know everyone alive has taboo's. But I can't emphasise enough that because you haven't done anything, people will help you. You've been very brave talking about this and it is a good thing you want to figure out why you feel this way about children.
  15. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I wholeheartedly agree with h20smack's post. Everyone has stuff they can't control.

    Just remember we're here for you should you ever need us.
  16. ybt

    ybt Guest

    Thanks guys for being humane, it really is appreciated.
  17. Pervert

    Pervert New Member

    Most of your conclusions don't really fit, so I'll talk about the ones that don't fit and the ones that might fit, to avoid too many people repeating them.

    I do fine with people my age and older. Hell, I do even better with people my age than I do with Children. (Well, until a few months ago, which fucked up EVERYTHING, and now I dont trust anyone, not even Children... ill get more into that...) It's because I get so nervous around Children, because I'm afraid I'll do something. Even if I'm not attracted to them, I spend the entire time with the Child making sure I don't touch them at all, barely starting conversation so I don't end up being "too nice", watching my mouth so the parents don't get mad... after too many situations like that, I started avoiding Children altogether, attractive or unattractive. I even avoid situations with younger family members.

    I found out about this during a really happy time in my life. I was just starting up school, I had a ton of friends, etc.. so the "broke up and regressed to Children" theory doesn't work either.

    I've thought about this quite a bit today, and I came up with what might be an answer. Might be.

    While my Childhood wasn't at all bad, I never wanted to grow up. I mean, sure, I wanted to grow up MENTALLY, I wanted to get married, have a job. When I was little, I even wanted to be a teacher. But... the physical aspect... no. I hated boobs. I hated hips. Once I walked in on my mom naked in the shower, and started thinking "Is that how ugly Im going to look when I grow up"? Maybe my Paedophilia came about as part of that. Maybe my preference towards Children came from a CHILDHOOD preference towards Children, and I'm trying to preserve that. Preserve my last bit of Childhood, maybe? Stay a child while I still can?

    I don't know if it's been mentioned, but some of you are probably wondering if there are any other "problems". Well, there are. I'll start at the beginning.

    When I first moved over here, to Utah, I started Cutting. Compared to how I feel now, I don't think it was depression, but more of a constant state of boredom. Cutting was a way of coping with problems, but the problems were more along the lines of failing classes, or getting in a fight, not depression.

    Around the same time I found out I'm a Paedophile, I developed Anorexia. Like many people, it started out as a diet. Now that I think about it, I think it was and still is partially about controlling something when I cant control my attractions, and partially as my attraction taking a toll on me physically. What I mean is, I think I look at myself, and because I don't look like a Child, I think I'm unattractive, so I starve to get rid of hints of extra fat, boobs, hips, etc.

    I've abused Xanax and Cough medication before.

    A few months ago, I was.... molested... It wasn't rape how you usually think of it, there wasn't penetration or physical force, but... I said no... more than once... he took it as roleplay, laughed it off, kept going... I didn't even find him physically attractive, or emotionally attractive... I didnt even like him as a friend... but.. by going out with him.. I thought I'd fill a void... After that happened, he stopped calling me.. if I called, his dad would say he's been and still is busy, but I know it's an excuse..

    I'm a whore...

    You could say that this has made me become more prone towards Children, but i don't feel like anythings changed before and after that... I just thought I'd throw it out there, because saying I want to die just because of my Paedophilia would be inaccurate.

    I haven't spent more time around Children since then.. I still avoid them... only now, I avoid everyone, not just Children...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2007
  18. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    pervert, i actually have similar issues wrt to my sexuality. i used to sometimes fantasize about girls 6-7 years younger to me but i overcame that feeling many years back. try yoga in my opinion, it might help. i think i was sexually abused as a child by another child who was the same age as me. strange isnt it ? But when i look back and recall the things he used to do, i think it was abuse for sure. it made me a pervert and a hyper sexual .im improving.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2007
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